This will be another post about how painful it is to live, so if you don't like this or are not interested, just skip it. You know, I always thought that some people simply cannot be happy, they simply cannot for various reasons, and I have always been a confirmation of my own theory, like when I was 12 I told my mother that the world stopped looking colorful to me, seriously. Now I am 18 and I understand that I have completely fucked up my life, I cannot love, often I cannot leave the house, I experience periodic physical pain, the causes of which I do not know, and I understand that nothing will change for the better. Believe me, I really tried to fix it, I tried new hobbies, tried to make new acquaintances, tried to love, but everything was vain, all my hobbies went to hell, my friends were assholes, and love just bored me, which was the last straw, because love is the last thing I hoped for, I just burned out. I really want to live a normal life, but I just can't do it, these are no longer mental disorders, these are stable beliefs with which I live. I know that for the most part you don't care and don't even try to convince me, people are not able to sympathize with a stranger who wants to die, I just need to write it somewhere, like diaries that I never had. Anyway don't be like me, ask for help in time if you feel depressed and thank you for reading all this