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End of 2021.
4 years ago
Hello! Every time I write a "special" post, I don't know what title to come up with. I'm generally uncomfortable with making excuses and talking about the bad things that happened to me. I absolutely don't know how to feel sorry for myself and let go of my feelings.
I wrote short news in my rus-public, but my FA page is the main platform and although it can be hard for me to translate everything, I think that I should not behave negligently and maybe people who are interested in me, will be good at knowing about my plans and experiences.
(Translation dated December 22nd.)
The past year has been tough in terms of creativity. I'm totally dissatisfied with myself as an artist. My art has become a routine and a pursuit of material goals. I lie so deep at the bottom of this whole lake that I cannot distinguish porn from emotional art, and black from white, joy from longing, and water from the earth - all inspiration for me is a gray veil, where sometimes I see "red and white spots" in the form of pieces stories of my characters. Covid has greatly influenced my condition, I'm experiencing depression, although I have no reason for it. Obsessive thoughts and other signs of OCD are constantly storming my head...
(Translation dated December 30th.)
I can't believe how bad December ended up. I would so much like to please you and myself with a beautiful picture, but I feel just... I don't even know how to describe my condition, this is boundless fatigue and just pitch darkness. Last week my friend crashed in an accident and this left an additional imprint on all the burdens. I just don’t know how to come to my senses and how to find the strength in myself for work. It is not ethical to breed whining during the weekend, but all the people and all the support does not bring me satisfaction and I just think that it will become a little easier for me to speak out in public. I haven't slept for two months now and it's just fucked up. Kinktober devastated me, responsibility strangles, I definitely will not participate in it next year. This is a very interesting challenge, but enough, bro, you've done a lot, it's time to stop and find a new niche. After all the events, you understand that the "fictional depression" due to some kind of garbage is just nothing compared to the losses that happen in reality. I, frankly, do not value those around me much and try not to get attached to people, but now I absolutely definitely conclude that it is better to feel even the notorious hatred of a living person than to grieve for the dead. What a nightmare all this is. I would like to help myself, but weekends do not bring me rest, no games, no cheeky behavior, no jokes. Nothing.
Now I'm trying to get out of this state with very small steps, but it is still hard for me to do it. Sometimes I want to cry because it seems to me that I'm losing myself as an artist, although this is my only real vocation and there is no place for me in this world except to paint. It doesn't matter what I paint: fucking porn or a million identical chests for mobile games, animals or people - I don't care, I just want to live in art and be that Art. It’s not the first time for me to rise from my knees, and although it’s insanely difficult, I think that soon, I will be ready to start doing something new, which will also heal me completely. ❤
I wrote short news in my rus-public, but my FA page is the main platform and although it can be hard for me to translate everything, I think that I should not behave negligently and maybe people who are interested in me, will be good at knowing about my plans and experiences.
(Translation dated December 22nd.)
The past year has been tough in terms of creativity. I'm totally dissatisfied with myself as an artist. My art has become a routine and a pursuit of material goals. I lie so deep at the bottom of this whole lake that I cannot distinguish porn from emotional art, and black from white, joy from longing, and water from the earth - all inspiration for me is a gray veil, where sometimes I see "red and white spots" in the form of pieces stories of my characters. Covid has greatly influenced my condition, I'm experiencing depression, although I have no reason for it. Obsessive thoughts and other signs of OCD are constantly storming my head...
(Translation dated December 30th.)
I can't believe how bad December ended up. I would so much like to please you and myself with a beautiful picture, but I feel just... I don't even know how to describe my condition, this is boundless fatigue and just pitch darkness. Last week my friend crashed in an accident and this left an additional imprint on all the burdens. I just don’t know how to come to my senses and how to find the strength in myself for work. It is not ethical to breed whining during the weekend, but all the people and all the support does not bring me satisfaction and I just think that it will become a little easier for me to speak out in public. I haven't slept for two months now and it's just fucked up. Kinktober devastated me, responsibility strangles, I definitely will not participate in it next year. This is a very interesting challenge, but enough, bro, you've done a lot, it's time to stop and find a new niche. After all the events, you understand that the "fictional depression" due to some kind of garbage is just nothing compared to the losses that happen in reality. I, frankly, do not value those around me much and try not to get attached to people, but now I absolutely definitely conclude that it is better to feel even the notorious hatred of a living person than to grieve for the dead. What a nightmare all this is. I would like to help myself, but weekends do not bring me rest, no games, no cheeky behavior, no jokes. Nothing.
Now I'm trying to get out of this state with very small steps, but it is still hard for me to do it. Sometimes I want to cry because it seems to me that I'm losing myself as an artist, although this is my only real vocation and there is no place for me in this world except to paint. It doesn't matter what I paint: fucking porn or a million identical chests for mobile games, animals or people - I don't care, I just want to live in art and be that Art. It’s not the first time for me to rise from my knees, and although it’s insanely difficult, I think that soon, I will be ready to start doing something new, which will also heal me completely. ❤
