So I haven't really made it public here, but as of Father's Day, I found out I was expecting. Now.... There is a bit of backstory on this...

First things first. I have a son, who just turned 15, that I have not been able to see or contact for nearly as many years. His father lied on the stands, and sadly, he's isolated me from what has been my only living child. He was born in 2006.

In 2009, I had a stillbirth, a little baby girl, who weighed 2 pounds. 2.6 ounces. She was so tiny. But I never got to see her smile, never got to tell her I love her. It was, without a doubt, the hardest day of my life.

Then, in 2011 or 2012 (I can't remember exactly as I was on a LOT of pain killers at the time) I had a tubal that ruptured. Landed me in the Hospital for a few days, where I was told by a nurse, "You'll never have kids again. Your odds are less than 5%." I asked her if there was still a chance, and she, begrudgingly, said yes. But then insisted it was such a small chance, it was basically akin to winning the lottery.

So for years, and not from lack of trying, I've been living as if I will never have a child. I was with someone for nearly 7 years, and despite trying every few days a month, nothing happened. No positive pregnancy tests, nothing. So I resigned myself that the nurse was right. I was, essentially, a Barren Dragoness. I'd never hold a child in my arms, never get to have another chance to be a Mother.

That all started to change in 2020. When the pandemic started, I moved out with a friend of mine, leaving the man I was with for 7 years due to lack of broken promises and neglect. We agreed we wouldn't really try for a relationship, but... Things just happened. And we started seeing each other as more than friends. 2021 rolled around. I got Covid in Feb (so did my other half), and while it dropped me on my ass, I wasn't really worse for the wear. A bit scatter brained but, I survived. Got my jabs for the Pfizers Vaccine in April. May rolls around. I'm a bit tired, but think nothing of it, as I just started a new job, and I'm getting up earlier than I was used to. June rolls around. I'm late to work, and have a melt down. Now, obviously, I'm female RL, and I think it's just 'that time of the month.' And chalk it up to PMS. But... Something is nagging me in the back of my mind. So I ask the one I'm living with if he can take me to get a pregnancy test. He said sure. I get home, take the test...

Imagine my shock, horror, amazement, and surprise... when after 2 minutes of a 5 minute test, there is a faint red line in the T portion of the test. It's positive. I wait the full 5 minutes. That line just gets darker. I walk out to my partner, and told him to take what I'm about to say, with a very large spoon of salt. My exact words I believe were "Ahh... Happy Father's Day? I think I'm pregnant..." Yes, this actually happened ON Father's day. I didn't dare get excited. I couldn't. Was this just a joke? The universe screwing with me and making me think what I wanted the most was actually happening?

I was scared I'd have another tubal, and that it would rupture. We went to an OBGYN, and they did an ultrasound. There, nestled where it should, was a very small bundle of cells. And when I say "small" I mean almost impossible to see. I was told I was probably less than 5 weeks pregnant. Meaning I caught it super early. Now, I'm nearly 9 months. With a little baby girl beating the crap outta me from the inside. My Mate, and I, are finally letting it become reality that she's going to be okay. I'm finally accepting this isn't the universe playing a cruel prank on me. I haven't wanted to accept it. But try as I might, on the days she was less active prior to now, I'd have panic attacks. But now, she's moving like clock work, and I look, and feel like, I've swallowed a watermelon! Sorry this Journal is so long. It's the reason my art uploads of commissions has slowed WAY down. I can't afford art, as I'm no longer working due to stress, and the fact, I have a newborn that will be demanding all my time and resources in less than 5 weeks time. But you know what?

I wouldn't have it any other way....

I love you Allanah... I can't wait to see you in February. To hold you in my arms... Is something I could only dream.