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I'm losing it
3 years ago
I dunno if i can do this furry thing anymore (again). My Christian values or whatever are driving me absolutely insane about it. Every Sunday I get the same message from God, insisting that I leave the fandom because it's so sex focused. If it was just pornography, i'd have deleted my stash way before now. But it's not just that, it's family. I always thought of myself as a freak, a guy who could never do anything right. But there are people here who seem to actually appreciate my existence, and not just feel sorry for me and call me once a month to talk about nothing. At least, I think some people are genuine... But does any of that matter?
I'm going insane about this. I know I am, because my brain won't shut up about it. Whenever I think about NSFW here, I start wondering if this is it. If this is all life is about, pursing the next big high. I feel like I should be doing more with myself. But I can't figure out how to get there while still being happy. Being myself.. not that I like myself in any regard.
I don't get it. I just want to be happy. But that's bad. I want to be good, but then I'll be alone again like I was during Christian academy days. Or do I just have to trust in god to give me new friends when I delete everything? Would it even be worth it? is anything?
I really wanted to my new years resolution to be "living with less fear" but now I'm farad I'll have the courage to hurt myself. Maybe to cut off any temptations I could possibly have in the future (It's in the bible), or just going 'fuck it' and giving up the game.
I know I need therapy, but I can't figure out who to go too. And I'm too scared they'll give me the wrong answer, or no answer. And my insurance will expire at any day now so that's fun.
I'm sorry. I really wanted to get off my butt and do more projects here, but God wants me to leave this beautiful creative world we've built together. I hate it. I hate Him. I hate everything... and I'm scared.
What the FUCK do I do!? I mean, I know what to do... but I don't like the answer by any means.
... I wish he was real. That boyfriend I always dreamed of that would tell me everything would be ok and I'd be able to believe him. But that's a lie and it will always be a lie no matter which path I take.
I'm sorry. I know this is the last thing anyone wants to read on an art site. I don't blame you if you leave me alone after this. Hell, it'd just make it easier for me to leave if no one likes me anymore. Even still, I know asking the 'sinners' what to do is a trap in itself. But like the title says, I'm losing it. And I just don't care anymore.
I'm going insane about this. I know I am, because my brain won't shut up about it. Whenever I think about NSFW here, I start wondering if this is it. If this is all life is about, pursing the next big high. I feel like I should be doing more with myself. But I can't figure out how to get there while still being happy. Being myself.. not that I like myself in any regard.
I don't get it. I just want to be happy. But that's bad. I want to be good, but then I'll be alone again like I was during Christian academy days. Or do I just have to trust in god to give me new friends when I delete everything? Would it even be worth it? is anything?
I really wanted to my new years resolution to be "living with less fear" but now I'm farad I'll have the courage to hurt myself. Maybe to cut off any temptations I could possibly have in the future (It's in the bible), or just going 'fuck it' and giving up the game.
I know I need therapy, but I can't figure out who to go too. And I'm too scared they'll give me the wrong answer, or no answer. And my insurance will expire at any day now so that's fun.
I'm sorry. I really wanted to get off my butt and do more projects here, but God wants me to leave this beautiful creative world we've built together. I hate it. I hate Him. I hate everything... and I'm scared.
What the FUCK do I do!? I mean, I know what to do... but I don't like the answer by any means.
... I wish he was real. That boyfriend I always dreamed of that would tell me everything would be ok and I'd be able to believe him. But that's a lie and it will always be a lie no matter which path I take.
I'm sorry. I know this is the last thing anyone wants to read on an art site. I don't blame you if you leave me alone after this. Hell, it'd just make it easier for me to leave if no one likes me anymore. Even still, I know asking the 'sinners' what to do is a trap in itself. But like the title says, I'm losing it. And I just don't care anymore.
The fact that you're having cognitive dissonance is a good thing. You're not being a blind fanatic or a hypocrite with projection issues. It's not a sign of weak faith, it's a sign that maybe the teachings don't square with reality and might not actually be healthy.
Ultimately I think he wants us all to be happy, so as long as your individual happiness isn't at the cost of someone else, I don't see a problem!
I used to justify porn from how I wasn't planning on getting married to a woman so I woudn't be tempted / unfaithful with it anyway... but that doesn't cut it anymore. Lust is lust... Right?
Also to bare in mind that over the centuries the Bible got modified quite a bit between the original and what we have today. It is my belief that all religions are here to ultimately guide us to do good to each other. Everything else is additional fluff and/or someone's own beliefs/motives affecting/corrupting the source material. Heck, the Pope is okay with gay people these days too, so why would that be an issue?
As such, being good just means don't be an asshole. Care for others, etc. And stay safe and healthy. A lot of the commandments were there because there was no way to do certain things safely, so it was just easier to tell people to avoid them entirely, like how pork generally was more diseased in the past so in Islam you can't eat it.
Your faith and the fandom aren't connected and it's up to you to decide what you look at... Avoid what you see as "unchristian" and enjoy what interests you just like in any other part of your life.