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Rab the Otter
4 years ago
General
One year later…
Well on February the 1st, that’s the day. This day last year everything changed. Not just for me, but for some of my closest friends too.
“Last seen online at 5:58 AM” The last time Rab checked his telegram was on the 1st of February 2021.
I have been thinking about what to say in this post for a while but I think the best thing I can do is try and get a message to those who grieve, share some of my experiences with Rab and a message to those who are experiencing depression.
Rab, dear friend, heart of the party, a loving, gentle individual who was a huge star wars nut, an extremely intelligent astrophysics student, passed away suddenly. What followed was utter confusion, devastation at the truth of what happened and now we are still dealing with it and will continue to deal with it for the rest of our lives. He was 19.
Rab was the sort of person who would interject on a conversation with something very witty and funny. The kind of person who would know how to work out a very difficult maths problem in a matter of seconds, completely shocking everyone. Who in Vrchat would pull out a very memey avatar because he knew how to read a room. He could tell when someone was down and try to talk to them, he could tell when someone was being self destructive and try and comfort them. He was a very kind and loving person. There are paragraphs of things I could say. The last thing Rab told me, is when I was playing the game “Dyson sphere program” he called me “Super mega uber hitler” because I was essentially ruining the ecosystem of not just a planet, but an entire star system.
Below is a the short story of when I met Rab:-
…………
So the first person I met in this group was Spunky, I met him through my irl best friend Grem and I added him to my friends list. I really wanted to play on vrc one day but Grem and some of my other friends were not around and I was too shy to go into public worlds. I saw Spunky was online and psyched myself up to join on him. I was literally chanting to myself "Just do it, just fucking do it" as I hovered over the join button on Spunkys social profile in vrc.
When I joined, Rab was not there... but this is when I met Riyo and Azra. Spunky had to leave like... 30 seconds after joining so now I was an anxious wreck. I had no one to cling too. However Riyo came up to me and said hi, he liked my Rikkor avatar (which was a public one at the time) and he cloned it and we talked for a bit and so did Azra. We added each other to our friends lists and I left that day feeling glad I hopped in.
The next day, I saw Riyo and Spunky online in the drinking night world in vrc and decided to join them and oh my lord it was packed. I met a lot of people that night who I hold close, such as Cinnamon, Jace, Kittiah, Catari... the list goes on but more importantly... Rab.
There I was clinging to Spunky, and saying a few words to Cinnamon when out of nowhere 4 huge muscle bound Scotsman pop in. Start dancing right on top of us screaming "SCCOOOOOTTTLLLAAAANND" with bagpipes blaring. At first I thought...
"Who is this idiot?!"
That idiot, was Rab. After screaming at people to get a drink he changed into a pine-marten and said hello. He saw I was shy and told me he liked my avatar, asked who I was already friends with there, asked if I was drinking. Simple questions with simple answers. He was trying to get to know me and I let him in and it was one of the best things to happen to me.
Fast forward a month or so, myself Riyo, Rab, Cinnamon and Spunky were watching warhammer 40k battle reports together in VR and I was sat in Rabs lap as we did this. We went on to play other games together, such as warhammer inquisitor, war thunder, pavlov, phasmophobia and others. He really helped make the rest of the year bearable. He was such a blessing.”
……….
I have been dreading this day for a while. It’s difficult to put into words exactly what went through my mind when we learned what happened, why he vanished suddenly off all social media. All I can say is like many of us, when I learned what happened, it was the most crushing feeling of loss I have ever experienced. I don’t have anything creative to make as tribute, I don’t have those sort of skills but what I will be doing is pouring one out for him in his memory.
My therapist knows all about what happened and he told me a little about his job. He told me that part of his job involves talking to cancer patients, those who are terminally ill. He asks them (the cancer patients):-
“What are the positives of this situation?”
Seems like an insane and insulting question doesn’t it?
He asked me to think about it, what would they say? What could someone who is terminally ill say to that? The first thing I could think of is that their families would come together for them, in this moment of crisis, to lean on each other, to support the patient too. It could renew relationships. My therapist said that's exactly right and it’s something that he sees a lot.
He asked me to ask myself, what are the positives here? For me, it was that I had to come out of my shell. I forced myself to talk to more people and try to be supportive. I learned a lot from that but I still ask myself, why? Just why? Why did you do it, Rab? Trying to look at a positive no matter how small seems unfair.
Again as an admission whilst I am still doing this saying this… Although a year on I still grieve, I feel sadness, guilt, confusion and there were countless nights I spent listening, crying, drinking entire bottles of whisky.… and I think about it almost every day but there is one emotion I still feel which I am not proud of. That emotion is anger, not just at myself for failing to take action, I occasionally feel anger, asking “Why? Do you understand what you have done Rab? How badly you hurt everyone?” but I know I should not feel that way. Rab thought he had no way out. Sometimes we can’t control our emotions or what we feel.
There were signs, he even spoke to me about a few things, but I didn’t take any definitive action and I still beat myself up over it. So many people had their lives changed, some even questioned their faith. It still makes me feel like I failed in a way I can never atone for. Utterly unforgivable. But I also know this wasn’t caused by me, or anyone in particular.
It was caused by an illness. An insidious and evil thing akin to cancer. It makes its host hide what's going on so they don't reach out.
If you ever feel like you have no way out, please please talk to someone, anyone. Do not act on it. It will cause pure devastation. There might be a voice saying you won't be missed, but it’s wrong. You will be missed…
Every…
Single…
Day…
The loss I have felt has never gone away and once you experience this, it stays with you but over time, it becomes manageable.
The love I feel for my friends is immense and I hope they know that. Rab probably knew this too and he knew all his friends loved him, but when you are that unwell, this sickness blinds you. Depression is an illness. It can be treated. Taking that first step is very hard and to anyone who has done so, you should be so proud of yourself.
What do we do from here a year on? Some people have made promises to themselves, either to honour Rab or to make changes that they need, realizing life is too short and how valuable it is. If you come to this conclusion you can make good changes and do things you have always wanted to do. As I mentioned earlier, some good things can come from even the worst situations, the light is easier to see the darker it gets, but it might become harder to reach, that's where your friends and family can help, you just need to let them in.
For me, as I said, it helped me start to talk to people more. Since I was a teenager I always wanted to “be there” for people because I know exactly what it’s like when you reach out and try and get help but those who are supposed to protect you, bury their head in the sand.
I didn’t know how to express this, how to start trying to talk to people but thanks to friends like Grem, Cinnamon, Spunky and Riyo and many more, who are still an inspiration to me in so many ways and because of the very sad circumstances I was able to learn. I have felt like I have gotten better at talking to people but I do lean more towards offering suggestions of actions rather than words of comfort, but I am working on the latter because sometimes actions either aren't needed or will do more harm than good.
So if you could ask yourself, what did this situation change which ended up as a somthing positive in the end?
I’ll end this here with something that anyone reading this should take away. If you need to reach out to anyone, if you are struggling, please reach out. You are loved. If you ever feel alone, and you are reading this, message me. I’ll do my best to steer you to a place where you can get proper help. And if it’s not me, tell someone. A loved one. A friend.
Like my therapist said and implied, pain can help you grow, but the price can be too damn high...
This pain of loss however is nothing to be celebrated, but it can make things change in positive ways and help you grow as a person.
Finally, something I heard which I use as my personal motto, some art and a song which I attribute to Rab.
“The storm will lead you home…” - The Promise, Globus
Some art made by my friend Amelia
https://twitter.com/Novaloux/status.....64770728112132
This song is something I will always attribute to Rab.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bU75Aca_Kk4
“Stand tall, my friend
May all of the dark lost inside you find light again
In time tumbling, turning, we seek amends
Eternal winds to the land descend
Our journey will never end”
Rest in peace Joshua. Rest in peace my friend.
Well on February the 1st, that’s the day. This day last year everything changed. Not just for me, but for some of my closest friends too.
“Last seen online at 5:58 AM” The last time Rab checked his telegram was on the 1st of February 2021.
I have been thinking about what to say in this post for a while but I think the best thing I can do is try and get a message to those who grieve, share some of my experiences with Rab and a message to those who are experiencing depression.
Rab, dear friend, heart of the party, a loving, gentle individual who was a huge star wars nut, an extremely intelligent astrophysics student, passed away suddenly. What followed was utter confusion, devastation at the truth of what happened and now we are still dealing with it and will continue to deal with it for the rest of our lives. He was 19.
Rab was the sort of person who would interject on a conversation with something very witty and funny. The kind of person who would know how to work out a very difficult maths problem in a matter of seconds, completely shocking everyone. Who in Vrchat would pull out a very memey avatar because he knew how to read a room. He could tell when someone was down and try to talk to them, he could tell when someone was being self destructive and try and comfort them. He was a very kind and loving person. There are paragraphs of things I could say. The last thing Rab told me, is when I was playing the game “Dyson sphere program” he called me “Super mega uber hitler” because I was essentially ruining the ecosystem of not just a planet, but an entire star system.
Below is a the short story of when I met Rab:-
…………
So the first person I met in this group was Spunky, I met him through my irl best friend Grem and I added him to my friends list. I really wanted to play on vrc one day but Grem and some of my other friends were not around and I was too shy to go into public worlds. I saw Spunky was online and psyched myself up to join on him. I was literally chanting to myself "Just do it, just fucking do it" as I hovered over the join button on Spunkys social profile in vrc.
When I joined, Rab was not there... but this is when I met Riyo and Azra. Spunky had to leave like... 30 seconds after joining so now I was an anxious wreck. I had no one to cling too. However Riyo came up to me and said hi, he liked my Rikkor avatar (which was a public one at the time) and he cloned it and we talked for a bit and so did Azra. We added each other to our friends lists and I left that day feeling glad I hopped in.
The next day, I saw Riyo and Spunky online in the drinking night world in vrc and decided to join them and oh my lord it was packed. I met a lot of people that night who I hold close, such as Cinnamon, Jace, Kittiah, Catari... the list goes on but more importantly... Rab.
There I was clinging to Spunky, and saying a few words to Cinnamon when out of nowhere 4 huge muscle bound Scotsman pop in. Start dancing right on top of us screaming "SCCOOOOOTTTLLLAAAANND" with bagpipes blaring. At first I thought...
"Who is this idiot?!"
That idiot, was Rab. After screaming at people to get a drink he changed into a pine-marten and said hello. He saw I was shy and told me he liked my avatar, asked who I was already friends with there, asked if I was drinking. Simple questions with simple answers. He was trying to get to know me and I let him in and it was one of the best things to happen to me.
Fast forward a month or so, myself Riyo, Rab, Cinnamon and Spunky were watching warhammer 40k battle reports together in VR and I was sat in Rabs lap as we did this. We went on to play other games together, such as warhammer inquisitor, war thunder, pavlov, phasmophobia and others. He really helped make the rest of the year bearable. He was such a blessing.”
……….
I have been dreading this day for a while. It’s difficult to put into words exactly what went through my mind when we learned what happened, why he vanished suddenly off all social media. All I can say is like many of us, when I learned what happened, it was the most crushing feeling of loss I have ever experienced. I don’t have anything creative to make as tribute, I don’t have those sort of skills but what I will be doing is pouring one out for him in his memory.
My therapist knows all about what happened and he told me a little about his job. He told me that part of his job involves talking to cancer patients, those who are terminally ill. He asks them (the cancer patients):-
“What are the positives of this situation?”
Seems like an insane and insulting question doesn’t it?
He asked me to think about it, what would they say? What could someone who is terminally ill say to that? The first thing I could think of is that their families would come together for them, in this moment of crisis, to lean on each other, to support the patient too. It could renew relationships. My therapist said that's exactly right and it’s something that he sees a lot.
He asked me to ask myself, what are the positives here? For me, it was that I had to come out of my shell. I forced myself to talk to more people and try to be supportive. I learned a lot from that but I still ask myself, why? Just why? Why did you do it, Rab? Trying to look at a positive no matter how small seems unfair.
Again as an admission whilst I am still doing this saying this… Although a year on I still grieve, I feel sadness, guilt, confusion and there were countless nights I spent listening, crying, drinking entire bottles of whisky.… and I think about it almost every day but there is one emotion I still feel which I am not proud of. That emotion is anger, not just at myself for failing to take action, I occasionally feel anger, asking “Why? Do you understand what you have done Rab? How badly you hurt everyone?” but I know I should not feel that way. Rab thought he had no way out. Sometimes we can’t control our emotions or what we feel.
There were signs, he even spoke to me about a few things, but I didn’t take any definitive action and I still beat myself up over it. So many people had their lives changed, some even questioned their faith. It still makes me feel like I failed in a way I can never atone for. Utterly unforgivable. But I also know this wasn’t caused by me, or anyone in particular.
It was caused by an illness. An insidious and evil thing akin to cancer. It makes its host hide what's going on so they don't reach out.
If you ever feel like you have no way out, please please talk to someone, anyone. Do not act on it. It will cause pure devastation. There might be a voice saying you won't be missed, but it’s wrong. You will be missed…
Every…
Single…
Day…
The loss I have felt has never gone away and once you experience this, it stays with you but over time, it becomes manageable.
The love I feel for my friends is immense and I hope they know that. Rab probably knew this too and he knew all his friends loved him, but when you are that unwell, this sickness blinds you. Depression is an illness. It can be treated. Taking that first step is very hard and to anyone who has done so, you should be so proud of yourself.
What do we do from here a year on? Some people have made promises to themselves, either to honour Rab or to make changes that they need, realizing life is too short and how valuable it is. If you come to this conclusion you can make good changes and do things you have always wanted to do. As I mentioned earlier, some good things can come from even the worst situations, the light is easier to see the darker it gets, but it might become harder to reach, that's where your friends and family can help, you just need to let them in.
For me, as I said, it helped me start to talk to people more. Since I was a teenager I always wanted to “be there” for people because I know exactly what it’s like when you reach out and try and get help but those who are supposed to protect you, bury their head in the sand.
I didn’t know how to express this, how to start trying to talk to people but thanks to friends like Grem, Cinnamon, Spunky and Riyo and many more, who are still an inspiration to me in so many ways and because of the very sad circumstances I was able to learn. I have felt like I have gotten better at talking to people but I do lean more towards offering suggestions of actions rather than words of comfort, but I am working on the latter because sometimes actions either aren't needed or will do more harm than good.
So if you could ask yourself, what did this situation change which ended up as a somthing positive in the end?
I’ll end this here with something that anyone reading this should take away. If you need to reach out to anyone, if you are struggling, please reach out. You are loved. If you ever feel alone, and you are reading this, message me. I’ll do my best to steer you to a place where you can get proper help. And if it’s not me, tell someone. A loved one. A friend.
Like my therapist said and implied, pain can help you grow, but the price can be too damn high...
This pain of loss however is nothing to be celebrated, but it can make things change in positive ways and help you grow as a person.
Finally, something I heard which I use as my personal motto, some art and a song which I attribute to Rab.
“The storm will lead you home…” - The Promise, Globus
Some art made by my friend Amelia
https://twitter.com/Novaloux/status.....64770728112132
This song is something I will always attribute to Rab.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bU75Aca_Kk4
“Stand tall, my friend
May all of the dark lost inside you find light again
In time tumbling, turning, we seek amends
Eternal winds to the land descend
Our journey will never end”
Rest in peace Joshua. Rest in peace my friend.
Man, If I could hop on VRChat & give you a hug right now, I totally would...
VRChat has helped me a lot over the past couple years. I would stay on for hours & hours in public worlds at a time until I got myself to say anything, anything at all. This was before I even had VR...
I spent all of high school basically alone, without any friends. You get so used to being alone that it becomes scary to talk to anyone, even your own family (Or what's left of it anyway... cough cough)
Years have passed, I've met a bunch of friends online, & I met someone who I deeply care about. Not a day goes by where we don't talk to each other on discord. Rab sounds like a really nice guy, Wish I could've got the chance to meet him.
I agree with the post above. It's much better when you have somebody to talk to. Or just having someone else there to comfort you. Take that from a guy who spent basically all of high school without any friends or anyone to lean on in desperate times.