4 months being unemployed now....I'm only working 10 hrs a week freelancing at home on weekends for one job and another one only getting paid per design now [which is whenever they decide to e-mail me to make shit]. It's barely enough to pay my car payment, school loans and credit cards.

As a designer I'm so tired of being underpaid and under appreciated. Over the years having shitty jobs I honestly am starting to hate being a designer. I haven't had any jobs that are helping my career at all.

I started my own side hustle because the previous toxic job I left was unfulfilling and boring [which 8 days in the new job I did pursue let me go.] Plus was always talked about behind my back, always got stuck doing other people's jobs. I was burned out. There was no possible growth or advancement whatsoever. But my side hustle still isn't anywhere near what I want it to be. I was hoping to be making it a full-time career/income by now. But unfortunately it's still not and I'm still trying to work on that because that is my dream....I have never felt fulfilled in life. I don't enjoy my life. Of course I love my Husband and Daughter but I'm missing everything else. The career fulfillment. Being able to go on vacations and make memories. I haven't been happy for a long time. I don't want to be stuck hating my life forever and have regrets. Especially before I go blind...I don't know if I will and that's the scary part about my eye disease. I absolutely have no idea. The uncertainty of it.....as an artist it's devastating because art is my life. It's what I love to do....

Anyway haven't had any luck finding a job at all and I'm at my wits end. I feel like I should start doing commissions again. Though it's been a very long time since I have now. I haven't drawn much furry art in such a long time besides re-drawing some of my own personal work. But we will see. Maybe I'll do my preset commissions where i had a theme. I seemed to always get more with those. Though the only thing with having a child now I don't have a whole lot of time.

Sorry for my rant/journal update. I just need to get it off my chest once in awhile. I can only tell my Husband so much. I am doing therapy over the phone through my Husband's insurance [thankfully it's free]. Not sure if it's really helping yet or not. I have an upcoming doctor appointment the end of the month which I might discuss with my primary care doctor, but not sure. I have good days and have bad days. Sometimes more bad days than good....I'm so tired of the bad luck. My life has been shit the past 5 years. Only good thing out of the 5 years was my daughter being born. Im so proud of her. Watching her grow and learning new things. I just hope I can get a damn job soon so I can be able to buy things for her again that she needs. My Husband doesn't make enough to help me with my bills too.....I was the one buying her clothes but that had to stop since I'm barely making any income now. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.