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On my obsession with Judy Hopps
4 years ago
General
So, I had a bit of a breakthrough in therapy regarding my love of Zootopia, and coincidentally the topic was brought up a few time at a friend's boardgame night (you guys know who you are :p ) I figured I might as well try and expound my thoughts out here. It'll be an easy way to refer people to what I think, and I might stumble upon a new discovery while I'm at it, who knows!
SO, without further ado, here's a snapshot into my obsession with Judy Hopps and Zootopia.
Zootopia came out in March 4th, 2016. I don't remember when I first saw it, but in Jan 2016, my then-girlfriend and I had moved in. I had been running out of money and started taking student loans to pay for the last years. My ex had graduated and was studying to work as an emergency dispatcher (answering 911 calls and dispatching police/fire/ambulance as needed). She was being paid to study and become a dispatcher, but it was a highly stressful time for her, and we weren't rolling in money.
On my end I was probably burned out from trying to help her cope with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. We had been ok while we lived in my small bachelors (I lived there, she would spend time there to avoid spending time at home), but when we moved to the new place I didn't have money, so we agreed that she would pay the first year's rent and I would pay the following year's rent after I graduated and got a job.
When we moved in to the new place however, the dynamic between us changed a lot, and not for the better. It went from "my place, my rules" at the bachelors apartment, to "our place, her rules". Things had already been bad with me trying to be a therapist for her and failing, but it's like it went from me simply not being good enough, to me actively being a failure and needing to be punished for it. From the moment we moved in, it was her way or the highway, and if it wasn't up to her exacting standards it was a failure. Nothing less than perfection would be tolerated, I would be berated for my mistakes, and she never forgot and never forgave.
Every single mistake I made from that point on was compounded by every other mistake I had ever made, all combining into an ever-growing mountain of errors, mistakes, and failures. She wasn't just upset at this one thing that happened, but at that and every other thing I had ever done wrong. It got worse and worse, until I was virtually paralyzed with anxiety. I would be punished for doing anything wrong, so I would stop doing anything. If she wasn't there to tell me exactly how to do what she wanted me to do it, I wouldn't do it because it would never be good enough. That was the only point in time when the abuse was not just emotional, mental, and verbal, but also once turned physical.
She also felt she was owed time, and failing to give her the time she was owed meant I was disrespecting her or something. I did my best to establish with her a timeline that she would agree to, that I would go snow tubing with a friend for their birthday, with a clear timetable for the events, and that I would call her if there ever were any changes. Every single step of the way, I called her to inform her of changes, like getting cake to eat after snowtubing, and staying at their place a bit later to talk afterwards. We had agreed that if I called her to inform her of the change in plans, it would be ok.
It turns out it was not ok. She didn't want to be informed of when the timeline would be changed, she just didn't want the timeline to be changed at all. She felt I only needed X amount of time with friends, and anytime I spent longer than that I was doing it to disobey her and deliberately disrespect her. The mountain of shit I faced every single time I was 'late', even if it wasn't my fault at all, simply made me realize it wasn't worth facing that much shit to go out.
So I stopped going out. I stopped seeing my friends.
At one point she got so mad she tried to smash my school laptop with a hammer, and I had to slide it under a couch and physically prevent her from trying to reach it. She never tried to hit me with the hammer, but the laptop contained all my notes for classes, and I would need it to study and graduate. From that point onwards I didn't feel like my belongings were safe, that she could at any point smash my computer or my PS3 or anything else that belonged to me if she got mad enough.
For some reason she would always wait for bedtime to pick fights. I tried to talk to her during dinner time, during the day, or any time that we could have a conversation, but it didn't usually lead to much. I was walking on eggshells already to not upset her, and trying to engage during the day didn't work, so she'd pick bedtime to start arguing. No matter what was going on, what I did, or what I said, I was always wrong, and even if I was right I could have done it better, or faster, or been more mindful of how stressed she was with work. A few times she got mad enough to push me out of our bedroom and demand that I sleep on the couch in the living room. So I did.
At the very least the couch was very comfortable, but invariably, within an hour of her having lost her shit and demand I sleep on the couch, she's come back to me, apologize, say she was sorry, and ask me to come back to bed with her. I don't know what kind of weird thoughts she had, or why she'd kick me out in the first place if she'd just regret it less than an hour later, but it must have happened a dozen times in that first winter. A few times she even demanded I get out of the house, so I packed my clothes, my laptop (I didn't feel safe leaving it in the appartment, the PS3 I could afford to lose but not the laptop with my notes) and forced me to wait outside at the bus stop, to take a bus going to my friend's place.
Again, she'd invite me inside within 30 minutes of making me wait out in the cold, but one time she didn't. It was so late the busses weren't running anymore so I called my mother to come and pick me up.
She did, and I spent 2 days at my parent's place. My ex called me back during the night, in tears, saying the anxiety was killing her and she needed me back right that instant. I didn't want to and tried to tell her to come back later in the day at least when the streets were clearer, but she insisted on coming right that minute to pick me up. I'm still horribly ashamed of it, but I packed my stuff, left a note for my parents saying my partner came to pick me up, and went back with her to our place.
So, that should appropriately set the stage for Zootopia.
I had stopped following the furry fandom while I was in university. I was trying out some new stuff, discovering what I liked, making new friends, and just had other things to do. By March 2016 however I had no energy left for anything, not even studying. I didn't really find much of anything that was fun or pleasant or happy, mostly just a distraction from life before I went back to studying, walking around on eggshells, and getting berated.
When I saw Zootopia, it brought back all my memories of the furry fandom, of the fun I had thinking up and writing the transformation stories I wrote, and about the people I had talked to. It reawakened my furry passion, and the story was just so happy, so hopeful, so bright, it was literally the single and only thing that could actually make me happy for that entire year.
I fell in love with just about every aspect of the show. I loved the architecture, I loved how they built a city for mammals of all shapes and sizes, I loved all the jokes and the easter eggs and all the million and one details in the background. I threw myself into the Zootopia subreddit and the fanfictions with a passion. I adored everything about the setting and I just could not get enough of it.
I spent a long time reading romance fanfictions about Nick and Judy, how they discovered feelings for one another, how they admitted those feelings, and how they dealt with the whole situation. I was so attracted to that pure wholesome love, I couldn't get enough of it, and it almost always made me cry. At the time it was a rather bittersweet thing, it let some of my pain out and I could cry, and some of it was definitely tears of happiness at the joy the two were experiencing.
I had a recent breakthrough in therapy this last session, and I realized what got me so emotionally hooked with Judy. Every single time I saw the movie, I would always cry without fail every single time she went looking for Nick and apologized for her actions. Even today, whether it's the movie, a fanfiction of that scene, or this song, specifically at the 2 minute 14 mark, even today I still cry.
She broke my heart. I wish it didn't happen, but then she found me and said:
"I know that I was wrong, it's fine if you hate me. You were right all along, I'm really just a dumb bunny"
(yes, I am crying as I write this. Oh bittersweet tears).
She came back and apologized. Nick was there, ready to forgive her, if only she apologized, and then they went on to become much closer.
I never got that apology.
I was ready and willing to forgive her, every step of the way. I loved her and I wanted to do my best for her. But she never apologized, and that's the one thing I really wanted. Anytime she 'apologized' it's because she had kicked me out, and it was causing her anguish. She apologized because she wanted me to be there to make her feel better.
But she never apologized for making me feel like utter shit. Never once apologized for the language she used, and the more I argued back about it, the more I tried to get her to change the way she spoke to be less hurtful, the more she dug her heels in and threw it back in my face.
So I stopped hoping. I stopped trying. I stopped caring, and tried to stop feeling.
So that's why I'm somewhat obsessed with Judy Hopps. It's not because it's a fetish thing, or a sexual attraction thing. It's that she is the kind of partner I wish I had, the kind of person who would have treasured my feelings and tried to make things right, rather than keep stomping my heard into thousands of pieces. I love what she represents and the kind of relationship I so desperately wanted for myself.
So yes I absolutely love adult art of Judy as well, but it's not that I see myself, either as my human self or my fursona with her. To me Judy will always only belong to Nick, and he will always only belong to her. I have no interest in inserting myself in there anywhere. If Judy is naked, it is for Nick's benefit, not mine. I see her through that lens, through that perspective. What can I say, I'm a straight guy, and I love the female form. I'm not salivating over Nick because I don't swing that way ;)
I'm not going to say I don't enjoy the adult art because I do. However, it's not in a self-inserting way where I would want to be with her, because I don't belong with her and she doesn't belong with me. I so deeply want a relationship with someone the way she has a 'relationship' with Nick, with trust, joking back and forth, forgiveness, and a willingness to stand up for one another.
I never got that apology from her, never got that forgiveness from her, and even though we broke up in 2017 it's still eating at me. I healed a lot, picked up the broken pieces of me and glued them back together as best I could, and it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it used to, but it's still there, and I'm still healing from it on my own.
If I had a relationship like Judy and Nick's, I would never have been hurt that badly, and my ex would have asked for forgiveness and actively worked to make things better, not worse.
So yeah. That's why I'm still stuck/hooked/obsessed with Judy. I hope to find someone like her one day, someone I can share my heart with and not have to worry that they'll smash it to pieces, someone who I can trust will come back and sincerely apologize for hurting me, so that we can heal together and grow closer together.
Zootopia definitely gave me a knot and bunny fetish tho, and a bit of size difference fetish too
SO, without further ado, here's a snapshot into my obsession with Judy Hopps and Zootopia.
Zootopia came out in March 4th, 2016. I don't remember when I first saw it, but in Jan 2016, my then-girlfriend and I had moved in. I had been running out of money and started taking student loans to pay for the last years. My ex had graduated and was studying to work as an emergency dispatcher (answering 911 calls and dispatching police/fire/ambulance as needed). She was being paid to study and become a dispatcher, but it was a highly stressful time for her, and we weren't rolling in money.
On my end I was probably burned out from trying to help her cope with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. We had been ok while we lived in my small bachelors (I lived there, she would spend time there to avoid spending time at home), but when we moved to the new place I didn't have money, so we agreed that she would pay the first year's rent and I would pay the following year's rent after I graduated and got a job.
When we moved in to the new place however, the dynamic between us changed a lot, and not for the better. It went from "my place, my rules" at the bachelors apartment, to "our place, her rules". Things had already been bad with me trying to be a therapist for her and failing, but it's like it went from me simply not being good enough, to me actively being a failure and needing to be punished for it. From the moment we moved in, it was her way or the highway, and if it wasn't up to her exacting standards it was a failure. Nothing less than perfection would be tolerated, I would be berated for my mistakes, and she never forgot and never forgave.
Every single mistake I made from that point on was compounded by every other mistake I had ever made, all combining into an ever-growing mountain of errors, mistakes, and failures. She wasn't just upset at this one thing that happened, but at that and every other thing I had ever done wrong. It got worse and worse, until I was virtually paralyzed with anxiety. I would be punished for doing anything wrong, so I would stop doing anything. If she wasn't there to tell me exactly how to do what she wanted me to do it, I wouldn't do it because it would never be good enough. That was the only point in time when the abuse was not just emotional, mental, and verbal, but also once turned physical.
She also felt she was owed time, and failing to give her the time she was owed meant I was disrespecting her or something. I did my best to establish with her a timeline that she would agree to, that I would go snow tubing with a friend for their birthday, with a clear timetable for the events, and that I would call her if there ever were any changes. Every single step of the way, I called her to inform her of changes, like getting cake to eat after snowtubing, and staying at their place a bit later to talk afterwards. We had agreed that if I called her to inform her of the change in plans, it would be ok.
It turns out it was not ok. She didn't want to be informed of when the timeline would be changed, she just didn't want the timeline to be changed at all. She felt I only needed X amount of time with friends, and anytime I spent longer than that I was doing it to disobey her and deliberately disrespect her. The mountain of shit I faced every single time I was 'late', even if it wasn't my fault at all, simply made me realize it wasn't worth facing that much shit to go out.
So I stopped going out. I stopped seeing my friends.
At one point she got so mad she tried to smash my school laptop with a hammer, and I had to slide it under a couch and physically prevent her from trying to reach it. She never tried to hit me with the hammer, but the laptop contained all my notes for classes, and I would need it to study and graduate. From that point onwards I didn't feel like my belongings were safe, that she could at any point smash my computer or my PS3 or anything else that belonged to me if she got mad enough.
For some reason she would always wait for bedtime to pick fights. I tried to talk to her during dinner time, during the day, or any time that we could have a conversation, but it didn't usually lead to much. I was walking on eggshells already to not upset her, and trying to engage during the day didn't work, so she'd pick bedtime to start arguing. No matter what was going on, what I did, or what I said, I was always wrong, and even if I was right I could have done it better, or faster, or been more mindful of how stressed she was with work. A few times she got mad enough to push me out of our bedroom and demand that I sleep on the couch in the living room. So I did.
At the very least the couch was very comfortable, but invariably, within an hour of her having lost her shit and demand I sleep on the couch, she's come back to me, apologize, say she was sorry, and ask me to come back to bed with her. I don't know what kind of weird thoughts she had, or why she'd kick me out in the first place if she'd just regret it less than an hour later, but it must have happened a dozen times in that first winter. A few times she even demanded I get out of the house, so I packed my clothes, my laptop (I didn't feel safe leaving it in the appartment, the PS3 I could afford to lose but not the laptop with my notes) and forced me to wait outside at the bus stop, to take a bus going to my friend's place.
Again, she'd invite me inside within 30 minutes of making me wait out in the cold, but one time she didn't. It was so late the busses weren't running anymore so I called my mother to come and pick me up.
She did, and I spent 2 days at my parent's place. My ex called me back during the night, in tears, saying the anxiety was killing her and she needed me back right that instant. I didn't want to and tried to tell her to come back later in the day at least when the streets were clearer, but she insisted on coming right that minute to pick me up. I'm still horribly ashamed of it, but I packed my stuff, left a note for my parents saying my partner came to pick me up, and went back with her to our place.
So, that should appropriately set the stage for Zootopia.
I had stopped following the furry fandom while I was in university. I was trying out some new stuff, discovering what I liked, making new friends, and just had other things to do. By March 2016 however I had no energy left for anything, not even studying. I didn't really find much of anything that was fun or pleasant or happy, mostly just a distraction from life before I went back to studying, walking around on eggshells, and getting berated.
When I saw Zootopia, it brought back all my memories of the furry fandom, of the fun I had thinking up and writing the transformation stories I wrote, and about the people I had talked to. It reawakened my furry passion, and the story was just so happy, so hopeful, so bright, it was literally the single and only thing that could actually make me happy for that entire year.
I fell in love with just about every aspect of the show. I loved the architecture, I loved how they built a city for mammals of all shapes and sizes, I loved all the jokes and the easter eggs and all the million and one details in the background. I threw myself into the Zootopia subreddit and the fanfictions with a passion. I adored everything about the setting and I just could not get enough of it.
I spent a long time reading romance fanfictions about Nick and Judy, how they discovered feelings for one another, how they admitted those feelings, and how they dealt with the whole situation. I was so attracted to that pure wholesome love, I couldn't get enough of it, and it almost always made me cry. At the time it was a rather bittersweet thing, it let some of my pain out and I could cry, and some of it was definitely tears of happiness at the joy the two were experiencing.
I had a recent breakthrough in therapy this last session, and I realized what got me so emotionally hooked with Judy. Every single time I saw the movie, I would always cry without fail every single time she went looking for Nick and apologized for her actions. Even today, whether it's the movie, a fanfiction of that scene, or this song, specifically at the 2 minute 14 mark, even today I still cry.
She broke my heart. I wish it didn't happen, but then she found me and said:
"I know that I was wrong, it's fine if you hate me. You were right all along, I'm really just a dumb bunny"
(yes, I am crying as I write this. Oh bittersweet tears).
She came back and apologized. Nick was there, ready to forgive her, if only she apologized, and then they went on to become much closer.
I never got that apology.
I was ready and willing to forgive her, every step of the way. I loved her and I wanted to do my best for her. But she never apologized, and that's the one thing I really wanted. Anytime she 'apologized' it's because she had kicked me out, and it was causing her anguish. She apologized because she wanted me to be there to make her feel better.
But she never apologized for making me feel like utter shit. Never once apologized for the language she used, and the more I argued back about it, the more I tried to get her to change the way she spoke to be less hurtful, the more she dug her heels in and threw it back in my face.
So I stopped hoping. I stopped trying. I stopped caring, and tried to stop feeling.
So that's why I'm somewhat obsessed with Judy Hopps. It's not because it's a fetish thing, or a sexual attraction thing. It's that she is the kind of partner I wish I had, the kind of person who would have treasured my feelings and tried to make things right, rather than keep stomping my heard into thousands of pieces. I love what she represents and the kind of relationship I so desperately wanted for myself.
So yes I absolutely love adult art of Judy as well, but it's not that I see myself, either as my human self or my fursona with her. To me Judy will always only belong to Nick, and he will always only belong to her. I have no interest in inserting myself in there anywhere. If Judy is naked, it is for Nick's benefit, not mine. I see her through that lens, through that perspective. What can I say, I'm a straight guy, and I love the female form. I'm not salivating over Nick because I don't swing that way ;)
I'm not going to say I don't enjoy the adult art because I do. However, it's not in a self-inserting way where I would want to be with her, because I don't belong with her and she doesn't belong with me. I so deeply want a relationship with someone the way she has a 'relationship' with Nick, with trust, joking back and forth, forgiveness, and a willingness to stand up for one another.
I never got that apology from her, never got that forgiveness from her, and even though we broke up in 2017 it's still eating at me. I healed a lot, picked up the broken pieces of me and glued them back together as best I could, and it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it used to, but it's still there, and I'm still healing from it on my own.
If I had a relationship like Judy and Nick's, I would never have been hurt that badly, and my ex would have asked for forgiveness and actively worked to make things better, not worse.
So yeah. That's why I'm still stuck/hooked/obsessed with Judy. I hope to find someone like her one day, someone I can share my heart with and not have to worry that they'll smash it to pieces, someone who I can trust will come back and sincerely apologize for hurting me, so that we can heal together and grow closer together.
Zootopia definitely gave me a knot and bunny fetish tho, and a bit of size difference fetish too
Seeing furry characters as a sort of idealization of how people should be does make sense to me, though. We humans tend to fall short in a lot of ways, but at least with animal-people there’s a chance they might be nicer or more honest.
I think for me the fact they don’t really exist is part of it, too. They’re a ‘safe’ target for affection, both because they lack the agency to hurt us, and because we don’t have to worry about inadvertently hurting them.
Per the situation, it was rough, but that's how life goes. Best one can do is learn the lessons and move on to make sure not to repeat those same mistakes again.
I definitely hear you on seeing furry characters as idealized versions of ourselves. We humans have been writing stories with anthropomorphic animals since forever, to teach ourselves important lessons. It helps to strip away all the complications of human life and go right to the core of the issue.
They are also absolutely a safe target for affection as well, not just lack of agency to hurt us and/or reject us, and that we can't hurt them, but also we're free to imagine them however we want them to be. Getting to know another person is hard, but when that 'person' is entirely in your head, you get to know them very well and very easily. They live in your head after all!
For me it's less an obsession with Judy Hopps as a person I guess and more like what she represents, a loyal partner who isn't afraid to apologize and help out. That's what I really wanted, my idea of what romantic relationships should be like, and that idea was very badly damaged by the relationship I was in. Like I said though, I learned a lot of important lessons, I'm healing from it, and I'm just about ready to restart my social life, and make room for a romantic connection.
I hope you've been doing well and the pandemic didn't affect you too badly. Take care!
And yeah, I think you’ve got it right there with the stripping away of complications. Animal characters, and especially ones aimed at younger viewers, seem to be especially good at filling those type of idealized or symbolic roles.
Pandemic hasn’t been too bad for me; not a people person, and I live under a rock out in the middle of nowhere anyway, so not much change. Hope you’ve been okay too, and that things go well as the restrictions start to unwind!
Oof I feel that haha!
Happy to hear it's not been too bad for you! I've been living isolated under a rock, but this rock happens to be in a big city. My social life wasn't horribly active before so it wasn't a huge difference, but the isolation is really getting to me. I especially have a hard time with working from home, unable to see or talk to anyone about work. It's a pain.
Per symbolic roles, it's good to strip away some of the complications. Fun fact that's why they didn't have birds or reptiles in Zootopia, they wanted to keep a clear and defined line between predators and prey. Anyhoo, they managed to strip a lot of complications, while still keeping some very realistic and complex characters. That's not an easy thing to do for sure!
And per someone appearing in my life, that's going to be hard considering I spend the vast majority of my time at home hiding from covid haha ;)
Canada will be reopening soon, moving to a better place, going to get a car sometime in May, and looking forward to my life being better!
I hope you have been doing ok as well! *hugs*
Life is still full and interesting, a lot less stressful as my youngster now has stable housing. When I say youngster they are in their very early 30s.
To be honest I'm a homebody anyhow so I've never been inconvenienced by the whole Covid deal. Even when basic supplies were sold out, I have at least a couple of weeks worth of stuff I need on hand anyhow. If anything Covid has lead to certain advantages from my point of view. everything is available online, most of my medical needs can be dealt with online. I now have a mobility scooter that I go out on when the weather is cool and get some sunshine. Biggest hurdle for me was emergency surgery in 2020. So overall things are good. *hugs*
Happy to hear life is full and less stressful! I hear you on stable housing, there's a housing crisis in Canada the same as in Australia I hear. I'm moving for the 4th time in 4 years, and only once was it 'forced' on me. It's not fun for sure, and I hope their situation will remain stable!
Per homebody I hear you, I'm kind of the same. I hope the surgery in 2020 went well for you. My mother had a hip replacement surgery in 2020 about a month before the hospital closed elective/non-essential surgeries, so I was taking care of her for a month. My grandmother fell down the stairs around the same time, concussion, hairline fractures in her skull, spine, and clavicle, she's better now but it was rough for a while. Dad was away taking care of her and I was at home taking care of mom.
I'm happy to hear you are doing well! Up here in Canada it's a smidge more difficult to get around in winter, mobility scooters are severely impaired by snow. Just this last week I think we must have had at least a foot of snow. It was a bit more than 'normal' but still, if you don't have a car your mobility is pretty much zero for a while until the streets and sidewalks are plowed and the snow removed.
Happy to hear things are good, and here's to hoping they keep getting better! *hugs*