Or is that just actual brain damage making me stupid?

It is said that to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result is the definition of insanity, but I feel like when I try things differently or to do something new the outcome still loops back to the same thing. I don't believe in preordained fates, but sometimes it does feel like there is no winning. Only the endless beatings. Pain after pain after pain after pain after pain and there's no winning. You try you best, but its not par. It can will never be par. You lack what is necessary. You can't just get or obtain it either. You have it, or you don't. And only those who do are allowed here. You're not meant to be here. This world isn't meant for you. You were not supposed to be here and yet here you are. And so you'll be punished for it. How dare you be.

Yes... How dare I...

I mean.. there's quite a few exits I can choose from at the end of the day. But lately reality has felt like an illusion, and I feel like if I tried to inject lead into my skull at high velocities, or jump in front of a truck and I'll wake up in chair as if it was a bad dream. Sometimes reality feels false in ways I can only describe as sideways. Things are just... off. Like an odd cant to it. I feel like I need to wake myself up. Perhaps in a way similar to Mirai Nikki. Is it a dream? Will I wake up at the end of the fall? I wake up when I meet the concrete at the end. Right? Is this all a dream? Its hard to tell sometimes. There's no way reality can be built up so stacked against you. The universe doesn't care about you. It wouldn't bother to stack the deck against you. It couldn't be this way. It can't be this bad. It has to be an illusion right? How do I wake up? How do we wake up? I want to wake up.

Half of my family has been obliterated by mental issues and soon, if I'm really lucky, I'll be the last standing specifically down my bloodline. I see what has happened and the 'lives' of those who are left, or perhaps the false people who've replaced them, and I compare their lives and history to mine, and its not that different. And then I look at statistics, various mental diagnoses, and experiences, and compare them to my own. And it all feels.. not preordained.. but inescapable nonetheless. People like me don't die of old age. We die by our own hands. I have always felt this to be true. Even since I was a little boy. Will I really be so different? The universe is so far more mundane that everyone thinks it is. If it can be boring, if it can be forgettable.. it will happen. And the death of just some other average guy means nothing. It never has. It never will. How am I supposed to break that? By being subpar? Yeah sure.

Perhaps what I am thinking of is destiny. Maybe that's a better way to put it. I don't believe in preordained fates, sure, but a destiny can be flexible, as can the path to it. But it still ends up with the same outcome right? If that's so, perhaps it is my destiny to suffer until I feel like its time to stop. And sometimes I feel like that's the best I'll ever get out of life.

Is this all a nightmare? Is this all real? Do we wake up? Or would it be better to sleep for it all?