My psychologist and I found a vein... An interesting one. He only said what it was after I described the absolute barfworthy trip an average workday is for me... After bitching about the GF for 45 minutes of the hour session.

I had an aha moment when he listed a couple things about what it could be. Its called experiential avoidance. It's a disorder that causes someone to avoid activities or feelings that give them anxiety or discomfort, to a net detrimental effect.

For me, many things elicit this... Avoidant reaction. The behavior can create vicious cycles, hold you back from positive experiences and deepen trauma due to not dealing with it.

I had come up with a similar journey in not so clear of terms, being honest with myself. An attempt to understand why so many things feel bad. An attempt to accept how I feel and move on from things that bug me. The disorder description seems like it describes perfectly many of the self harming things I do, that are rooted in avoiding something else that's not always clear in years of hindsight.

Haven't started yet to read into this disorder deeply. I feel like it is likely going to be "it" and where it's going to get hard. I'm a little afraid to make the plunge and begin to read about it. But I'm hopeful that when I'm ready there'll be steps to take in the right direction.