I'm not sure of the circumstances, but I'm sorry to hear things are going poorly.

I really hope they pick up.

I really have no clue what you are facing, but you say you will never speak to someone about it... If you are stuck, it's a good idea to find someone to confide in, if not amongst loved ones then perhaps a professional.

Either way, I hope you can find some relief to your troubles.

It's never a sign of weakness to feel like you're going to give in under pressure and there's no shame in lingering on the absolute edge of hopelessness.

A good number of human beings feel this way most of the time because a good number of us were never warned about the unsatifying moments we might face or the disapointment we might feel or the empty glass that might someday sit in front of us on that dry day when we need it not to be empty the most,

It's a lot like when a person who is rather fat begins to lose weight. The body's skin doesn't exactly work as fast as one might think and so if you work really hard to burn a lot of fat off at once your body begins to look saggy. Before there once stood a round bulge of fat, it sticks out but it's thick and has shape but after you work out it loses it's thickness. A nice round tummy will drop inches, sagging because the skin is now looser. When you come into that gym all wide eyed and determaned to look better for your boyfriend, though, that's going to be the last thing that gym trainer mentions to you though.

Anyways, my point is that at some point most human beings, at least the good ones, go through a period like you are now where they feel like giving up. That lust for life, love, adventure and the rising of the sun just isn't there and there's always this belief, at least in the good one's heads, that it's NOT acceptable and these feelings MUST change.

And they MUST change NOW.

When really this period of emotion is critical for authentic human existence!
At least for the good ones. It's OK for you to feel this way and do so if you truely must in order to get through what you're facing. The rules are no hurting yourself, do not hurt other people and please try to bath once a week at the very least. Other than that, do what you need, including but not limited to feeling this way for awhile if you want.

I don't know what is going on with you personally but this journal is a healthy sign of not wanting to forever be without hope. Things are going to change for you in your life because you're not happy with it. Just don't let that 'saggy fat' that you're going to have to face on the way to your 'better body' keep you from feeling good about the smaller thing you have done that are good while working for a better you.

I'm sorry that I don't know you. I'm sorry that I'm not aware fully what's going on for you because I'm sure it's very difficult for you and you could really use the typed out responce from someone that not only knows you but loves you. My babble is all I can offer and I wanted to say something, anything, because I relate to the feelings you expressed.

*pats you on head*

It´s a really long comment and , Wow, I really don´t know what to say. Thanks. It won´t help me with my problem, because it´s a problem that can only be solved with money, but it gives me back a bit of my strenght. Something I really need. I don´t wanna give up hope, but it´s at the moment so hopeless. I hate it, everytime there seems to be hope it let´s me down again. I don´t think I can stand it longer. Your comment gave me a bit back from what I need to hold on. I´ll write a new journal and explain why I´m so desperate. Becaus this time it´s not because I just feel sick, haunted or just bad. This time my whole future depends on the events of the next few weeks and if I can bear it any longer.

I'm not sure what it is that is haunting you, but from experience I can tell you that ignoring it or suppressing it won't help. It may seem like a fix at the time but eventually it will catch up to you. I use to be that way, holding in what bothered me, or the hurt of the past until I ended up severely depressed; I lost 15 pounds in three months and had really bad thoughts, thought that all my friends would pull the same stuff some people in my past had.

I probably should have talked to people about it but I didn't. Instead I got some hormonal help (part of the problem was imbalanced hormones) and then spent time purposefully drawing those bad memories forward. Analyzing them with a logical adult mind, breaking them down and trying to understand them. Sure there are a few instances that still bother me, always will, but by forcing myself to confront them they no longer hold any power over me, the fears I had steaming from them dissipated.

I don't know if that'll work for you, so I suggest either trying it or finding someone that you can talk to that will just listen. Find someone that will only offer advice if you ask them for it, and otherwise just let you get the poison out.

I hate it to talk about it. I was never good at talking about such things. With no one. And talking about it won´t change my past. I have to live with the things that happened. But I can change my future. I hope so. And that´s my biggest problem, if I still have a future. It sounds a bit confusing, but I decided to make a journal entry in which I explain my situation. Because I need help.

Then maybe try what I did? see if that will help you? It helped me to see various paths I could take to get to the future I want. Course I can't control everything but having broken down the stuff of the past that affected me I could better see what options I had in front of me.

I really hope you find something that will work for you. That feeling of hopelessness is really one of the worst.

das klingt nicht gut. sieht aus als ob es stärker wäre als du...
ich wünschte, ich könnte dir rat geben. oder mit etwas geld unterstützen.
falls du deine sorgen in einer email runter schreiben magst, ich verspreche dir, sie vollständig zu lesen. wer weiß, vielleicht erleichtert es dir die ganze sache etwas...
oder vielelicht könnte ich dir eine reale schulter anbieten. ich weiß, wir kennen uns beide nciht wirklich, udn wahrscheinlich würde ich dich nur annerven... aber nunja. mannheim ist ja nicht gar so weit weg. sollte möglich sein.

bis da hin, schreib ruhig alles nieder. auch wenn du es nicht weiter reichst, vielleicht hilft es ja doch.
udn wenn doch: Anbessa[at]gmx.de


oder vielelicht hilft ein wenig liedtext von SCHWEISSER:

das hier
bringt mich nicht um
ich werd überleben
keine tränen
ich bin stark
das mach mich nur hart!