FA+
Shop
Something once locked away...
4 years ago
General
Hey all you Superstars! Coming to ya live from Loxxie's Rockbox!
At first I wasn't gonna post this journal but, I suppose journals are meant to get things off of ones chest no? I'll try and keep it short though as it's less than a happy one. It IS amazing what good games can do for us yes?; more so when you find ways to edit and mod it to your liking and have further enjoyment out of it. Well a mod I did for Skyrim did just that...in both good and bad ways. First I will post what I told someone else days ago after getting about 30% into the questline followed by what I put in the mods posting section.
1:*clings to her plushie of her father, trying her best to sip coffee as she hasn't been able to eat anything else all day, she herself being a frightened scared anxiety-ridden mess, the quest that she modded into skyrim that she mentioned the night before having given her night terrors of her ex's, between the verbal abuse, the stabbings, the beatdowns, the torture*
2:THIS was absolutely amazing, not even 20% percent into the questline and I was 1000% invested in the story, learning more about Elsweyr the Khajiit and the lore. I will admit something about it, and it may be weird for me to put this here but it may show just HOW invested and well done this mod is, i promise not to go into spoilers. Hearing M'rissi's tale and the horrors she and her kin had to endure along with how horrifying the absolute WITCH the antagonist is - it unlocked something in my deep subconscious that I had thought was locked away permanently, well...evidently not.
I have known some horrible, horrible people in my life and without going into details that would make this VERY nsfw, I will sum it up as emotional, mental and physical harm against me from my ex's, people who I thought were friends and sadly even my own family. It let to a lot of pain, anguish, suffering and COUNTLESS hospital visits.
It had made for a long road of loneliness, isolation and distrust. Now for years I thought I had shaken it all off, forgotten and moved on thanks to a FEW that have stayed by my side those mentioned years. Playing this however cracked the lock on that box and it all came back to me, and its been an....unpleasant week over it so far, wishing I could forget it all again, being afraid of everyone, even those few now close to me and having night terrors of me getting hurt again. Now that I have finished the quest however, and seeing how my character and M'rissi turned out -got the best ending ?-, I am now coming to terms that maybe this isn't ALL a bad thing?; Maybe it's time I leave that box open and actually talk about it all vs. trying to keep it hidden away, just like M'rissi
Am I a bad person for hiding the pain and darkness all these years?; Some part of me feels like it, as stated above another part of me wished it had stayed locked away. Also stated above however, maybe I shouldn't try to hide and forget about it anymore? I'm still a massive wreck with my past running rampant in my head so forgive me if I take time to respond to any replies...
1:*clings to her plushie of her father, trying her best to sip coffee as she hasn't been able to eat anything else all day, she herself being a frightened scared anxiety-ridden mess, the quest that she modded into skyrim that she mentioned the night before having given her night terrors of her ex's, between the verbal abuse, the stabbings, the beatdowns, the torture*
2:THIS was absolutely amazing, not even 20% percent into the questline and I was 1000% invested in the story, learning more about Elsweyr the Khajiit and the lore. I will admit something about it, and it may be weird for me to put this here but it may show just HOW invested and well done this mod is, i promise not to go into spoilers. Hearing M'rissi's tale and the horrors she and her kin had to endure along with how horrifying the absolute WITCH the antagonist is - it unlocked something in my deep subconscious that I had thought was locked away permanently, well...evidently not.
I have known some horrible, horrible people in my life and without going into details that would make this VERY nsfw, I will sum it up as emotional, mental and physical harm against me from my ex's, people who I thought were friends and sadly even my own family. It let to a lot of pain, anguish, suffering and COUNTLESS hospital visits.
It had made for a long road of loneliness, isolation and distrust. Now for years I thought I had shaken it all off, forgotten and moved on thanks to a FEW that have stayed by my side those mentioned years. Playing this however cracked the lock on that box and it all came back to me, and its been an....unpleasant week over it so far, wishing I could forget it all again, being afraid of everyone, even those few now close to me and having night terrors of me getting hurt again. Now that I have finished the quest however, and seeing how my character and M'rissi turned out -got the best ending ?-, I am now coming to terms that maybe this isn't ALL a bad thing?; Maybe it's time I leave that box open and actually talk about it all vs. trying to keep it hidden away, just like M'rissi
Am I a bad person for hiding the pain and darkness all these years?; Some part of me feels like it, as stated above another part of me wished it had stayed locked away. Also stated above however, maybe I shouldn't try to hide and forget about it anymore? I'm still a massive wreck with my past running rampant in my head so forgive me if I take time to respond to any replies...
You still have me as your friend. ^_^
*hugs*
I did the mod to tell a story, and to let people experience strong emotions, but I didn't think that may lead to some unpleasant memories. Ironic, because the story literally was about unpleasant memories >_<
At the same time, I do believe it's more healthy to embrace and recycle the past, so it won't be able to harm again.
I really hope you'll feel better after this, and the past won't be able to haunt you anymore.
It did indeed tell a story, with strong emotions that drew me in which is RARE for me in a game, for it to draw me in so much. My mind is telling me, that by your wording you may feel a little bad?; I could be wrong but regardless, the fact that the story was about unpleasant memories along with M'rissi's fear and torment when her own 'box' was unlocked is what unlocked the one in my own head, like it all came back like a clash of lighting.
You are 100% correct in that it's more healthy to embrace and recycle the past, just as M'rissi did. It will take some time to move on and put it all to rest but, I am already beginning to feel better, the past may haunt me for the time being but it wont be forever. Not only have those in my inner circle made it easier to comprehend, but I have taken what this has all brought onto me into something positive instead, now it has brought a MASSIVE new piece of lore to my own characters universe along with new characters.
Thank you for your kind words and for reading the journal, you really are an amazing person from what I've seen so far, continue being such and...well, thank you again. ♥
I just don't visit this site every day, so a little delay in answers is normal for me.
In fact, I feel flattered that my creation invoked such emotional responce.
True, I felt a little bad at first, while I read your journal, but I think this story would have a happy ending as well ;) Having a suportive inner circle is all that anyone can dream of in hard times.
And thank to you for sharing your feelings and experience, it does mean a lot for me!
I visit this place nearly every day, but it's mostly to check on any input or criticism on the stories/chapters I push out. =3
I am even happier to hear that I could make you feel flattered! I will say it again, you deserve it along with anything good that comes your way. I can tell easily that you put heart and soul into this and even after some thought over it, I STILL can't think of a time another quest or story had me so invested in such a short time into it!
I am sorry that I made you feel bad, even if it was just at first, HOWEVER I believe you are correct. :D This story will most certainly have a happy ending, and it's already beginning, new characters, new lore, new parts to my universe.
It's even kinda surreal in a good way that you say the words inner circle, that's part of the new additions to my universe, there's the Regulators but then there's the Inner Circle, a group hand picked by Princess Hirosaki to be DIRECTLY under her, the best, the most skilled, the most powerful, the ones who have earned her respect. The character I created that was inspired by M'rissi, who I have also made a cat-girl khajiit as well - her and her dwemer bunny/ 'dwarf' rabbit husband Lein Indeevaratsu AND Lein's twin Leon are all a part of said Inner Circle, all three of them being new characters that have come due to this entire experience.
You are very welcome and I hope you continue to be amazing and inspiring, to that I thank you in return ♥♥
P.S. - I retyped this and hid the original because holy crap did I have embarrassing grammar errors and words missing x.x