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Misery
4 years ago
General
Listen up, savior!
Wow, two journals in the same day.
I thought posting the last journal would help me feel better, and start moving forward. I thought that getting everything off my chest would make it all feel less heavy. Unfortunately, that... isn't what happened.
I feel... miserable. Putting everything into perspective like that has only shown me just how terrible I truly am. I'm the one who pushed everyone to hate me. I alienated everyone, even my closest friends. My self-hatred and lack of control hurts everyone.
I try to just suppress my emotions, but sometimes, it all takes over my brain. My thoughts become nothing but hatred and misery. My mind tells me that I'm on borrowed time... it's all a fragile house of cards. One day, I'll finally do something horrible, and everyone will see me for who I truly am. A false prophet, preaching hope and faith when my own life is nothing but empty words and despair. Sometimes, it tells me that I should just... skip to the end. Stop living this lie. Do something... stupid.
Even my best friends can't tolerate me... what's the point? How could I expect them to like me, when I can't even like myself?
People say they like me. They tell me that I'm an amazing person. An amazing writer. They tell me that I help them, and they enjoy talking to me... and all my brain tells me is that they don't know me well enough. They don't know the real me, a being of pure hatred and sadness. Even when I am happy, writing stuff or playing games with friends, I'm just waiting for the inevitable moment when all my mistakes come out and rip the carpet out from beneath me. Everything feels hollow and empty.
Even as I write this journal, my mind is telling me I'm just being pathetic. It tells me that no one cares, they just pretend to because they pity me. Even as I try to tell myself it's just my paranoia and depression telling me lies, I can't help worrying that I'm just in denial.
So, I want to ask you a favor, if you're reading this. Please. Tell me why you don't hate me. Maybe this is stupid and childish, but I want to see that some people truly don't hate me. I want to prove it to my brain.
Sorry for having two overly long pity party journals in the same day.
I thought posting the last journal would help me feel better, and start moving forward. I thought that getting everything off my chest would make it all feel less heavy. Unfortunately, that... isn't what happened.
I feel... miserable. Putting everything into perspective like that has only shown me just how terrible I truly am. I'm the one who pushed everyone to hate me. I alienated everyone, even my closest friends. My self-hatred and lack of control hurts everyone.
I try to just suppress my emotions, but sometimes, it all takes over my brain. My thoughts become nothing but hatred and misery. My mind tells me that I'm on borrowed time... it's all a fragile house of cards. One day, I'll finally do something horrible, and everyone will see me for who I truly am. A false prophet, preaching hope and faith when my own life is nothing but empty words and despair. Sometimes, it tells me that I should just... skip to the end. Stop living this lie. Do something... stupid.
Even my best friends can't tolerate me... what's the point? How could I expect them to like me, when I can't even like myself?
People say they like me. They tell me that I'm an amazing person. An amazing writer. They tell me that I help them, and they enjoy talking to me... and all my brain tells me is that they don't know me well enough. They don't know the real me, a being of pure hatred and sadness. Even when I am happy, writing stuff or playing games with friends, I'm just waiting for the inevitable moment when all my mistakes come out and rip the carpet out from beneath me. Everything feels hollow and empty.
Even as I write this journal, my mind is telling me I'm just being pathetic. It tells me that no one cares, they just pretend to because they pity me. Even as I try to tell myself it's just my paranoia and depression telling me lies, I can't help worrying that I'm just in denial.
So, I want to ask you a favor, if you're reading this. Please. Tell me why you don't hate me. Maybe this is stupid and childish, but I want to see that some people truly don't hate me. I want to prove it to my brain.
Sorry for having two overly long pity party journals in the same day.
So, first off, you definitely have done things that certainly hurt me, but I think i've moved past it and forgiven you for them. We're all human, and we make mistakes. I'm sure autism certainly hasn't helped you with social situations, and I totally understand. I've had trouble understanding cues even as a kid.
Next, I can totally relate to you. I certainly have trouble with my anger/aggression at times, but i've learned how to control it more. It may be because i'm more of an easy-going and laid-back person, but i can't really say for sure. What I can say is though, is that I believe you have a passion for what you do. You've managed to create stories and scenarios that I don't think I could come up with.
In essence, you're a creative person. While flawed, you put effort into the things you do. You have a lot of potential as an artist and a writer. As they always say in Meet the Robinsons, "Keep moving forward."
What do you care about right now? Who do you care about right now? What about irl? Doesn't that matter more than...The people here? The people close to you irl have stuck with you since day one. You're giving fucks about everyone here and your mistakes because you have nothing more important to give a fuck about. It's time to find your passion. It's time to let your real soul shine.
You poured your soul into this journal, for everyone to see. And I don't think you should hurt yourself. You're holding yourself accountable and now you must promise to do better. Life isn't easy, and when it gets you in a bad place it will keep you there forever if you let it. You hurt others, and they made sure that you knew it. In a way that's for the best, otherwise you may not have realized how wrong it was. You can't go back and change it now, but you can make this a turning point to start doing some good.
The world is filled with negativity, and suffering travels like a ripple. Pity itself, while not always used for negativity, often times can keep someone trapped. Self-pity will have you feeling low, hoping for the approval and love of someone else. You're allowed to pity yourself for a while but afterwards you should get back up and start doing something about it. You put negativity into this world, and now it will be your task to do some good, to live virtuously and find your purpose. Don't be a pitiable person, be a good person. If you're gone, you're gone, and the negativity you created will remain regardless. If you stay here you will have many opportunities to uplift your friends, loved ones, or just plain old strangers. Generosity, kindness, even just a warm smile or words of encouragement are ways that you can start down the path to being good. You're allowed to stumble, but do not give up.
You've seen your dark side. And you're sorry and disgusted with what you've done. It's time to let the light in. You should stick around. Life is highly unpredictable, and someday you may need to be the light for someone else.
You remind me of my ex bro, who also made tons of mistakes and had this paranoia that everyone hated him... Which was kind of true, with made him disappear.
Everything that happened to you reminded me of him... And just like him, I know for certain you are truly sorry and want to change, I know that. And you have never treated me badly or anything, even if we barely interacted with eachother, but still.... I know you want to be better, and that's why I support you.