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Self-Appraisal, or Why Do I Bother?
3 years ago
Scribbling nonsense all across the board like jaguars leaping from trees of leather bodices encasing aged withered corpses whose eyes dazzle with the light of one million and three silver satellites flying over Los Angeles hiding illegal immigrants from Irish potato farms built atop the golden ruins of El Dorado filled with demonic Ewoks hurling tremendous tankards of tons of Tylenol at the panda bear ninjas that hide around every corner of the magic square building trying desperately to pull up its skirt and set roots on another cubic square inch of the board upon which I am scribbling nonsense.
I don't think that I'm boasting when I say that I believe I put out writing at a generally high quality. I am proud of the stories that I create more often than not. I've been writing for a long time so I can reasonably say that I have a grasp on the elements that go into it and what does or does not quantify a quality product. I feel that in the modern social climate, a lot of people struggle with pushing themselves up because of this perception that to do so would be a sign of pride and arrogance. When it comes to work that you are passionate about, things that you excel in, it's important to be open about yourself.
I don't have the luxury of anything of that sort when it comes to my coloring efforts. I have a basic understanding of the fundamentals of art, but I am capable of very little when it comes to actual execution thereof. Coloring was something that I started doing on a whim and steadily progressed into becoming more and more involved. Nowadays, while I do certainly feel that I have improved in what I put out, I don't feel like I have any means of adequately gauging that quality. I'm conscious that I do shadows well, but that is a process that takes an excruciatingly long time and burns me out quicker than anything, so it doesn't feel like that much of an accomplishment. I've almost completely stopped doing colored lines because it adds too much extra frustration for me to feel it's worth the time.
And I don't know what to do about that. I rarely ever get meaningful comments on the coloring that I do, I still have to operate on the assumption that most people who see pictures colored by me don't even register what I'm doing. I'm aware that it's deleterious to compare oneself to others, but in this case I can't keep from doing that, it's the only measuring stick I have available to me. There were several colorists who all started out around the same time I did, and all of them have gone on to be far more successful than I have. I'm fairly certain that the number of clients I've had for coloring commissions isn't even in the double digits, and it slowly waned down to nothing over the years until I wasn't getting any by the time I closed commissions entirely. It always left me with the conclusion that if people would rather go to someone else, there surely must be something I'm doing wrong. And yet, even if I were to start taking commissions again, even if I were to suddenly get a large influx of clients, I don't think that would help, because I can't handle that much workload. I already have a folder full of pictures to work on, a folder which is growing far more than it is shrinking because of my glacial pace.
It's getting to a point that this feeling of inadequacy is bleeding into my writing, the content that I'm actually skilled in, as well. I don't think that I'm ever going to be someone who can work at a quick pace, even without distractions getting in my way (hi Elden Ring). I have no desire to open for commissions because it takes up too much of my time, a set of five clients is liable to take me at least a month to go through. The end results may be good, but I almost never feel like I produce anything valuable enough to merit the time that it took to complete them. I don't know what I can do about this, because I need to produce content at a good pace if I'm ever going to get anything done. I don't know how to make myself feel like my efforts are worth anything.
I don't have the luxury of anything of that sort when it comes to my coloring efforts. I have a basic understanding of the fundamentals of art, but I am capable of very little when it comes to actual execution thereof. Coloring was something that I started doing on a whim and steadily progressed into becoming more and more involved. Nowadays, while I do certainly feel that I have improved in what I put out, I don't feel like I have any means of adequately gauging that quality. I'm conscious that I do shadows well, but that is a process that takes an excruciatingly long time and burns me out quicker than anything, so it doesn't feel like that much of an accomplishment. I've almost completely stopped doing colored lines because it adds too much extra frustration for me to feel it's worth the time.
And I don't know what to do about that. I rarely ever get meaningful comments on the coloring that I do, I still have to operate on the assumption that most people who see pictures colored by me don't even register what I'm doing. I'm aware that it's deleterious to compare oneself to others, but in this case I can't keep from doing that, it's the only measuring stick I have available to me. There were several colorists who all started out around the same time I did, and all of them have gone on to be far more successful than I have. I'm fairly certain that the number of clients I've had for coloring commissions isn't even in the double digits, and it slowly waned down to nothing over the years until I wasn't getting any by the time I closed commissions entirely. It always left me with the conclusion that if people would rather go to someone else, there surely must be something I'm doing wrong. And yet, even if I were to start taking commissions again, even if I were to suddenly get a large influx of clients, I don't think that would help, because I can't handle that much workload. I already have a folder full of pictures to work on, a folder which is growing far more than it is shrinking because of my glacial pace.
It's getting to a point that this feeling of inadequacy is bleeding into my writing, the content that I'm actually skilled in, as well. I don't think that I'm ever going to be someone who can work at a quick pace, even without distractions getting in my way (hi Elden Ring). I have no desire to open for commissions because it takes up too much of my time, a set of five clients is liable to take me at least a month to go through. The end results may be good, but I almost never feel like I produce anything valuable enough to merit the time that it took to complete them. I don't know what I can do about this, because I need to produce content at a good pace if I'm ever going to get anything done. I don't know how to make myself feel like my efforts are worth anything.
Unfortunately the feeling like this does come from a lack of self validation or self esteem in a way.
I think the fact that you actually feel good about your writing (and you should, your writing is super good) is something that you should really hang onto since not even I consistently feel I am good at art.
I do not feel you are doing anything wrong, just, people are seriously bad at letting you know when you've done well, and I can say I understand that wholeheartedly.
You really just have to take what you do well, and hang onto it like your life depends on it, no matter what, I know that's a simple answer but such a thing has helped me.
for what it's worth I've always enjoyed your coloring, too. I've always had an appreciation for people who color things because well, coloring is hard. haha
Lots of things wouldn't be made without people spesifically hired to color, especially things like fully colored comics or some animations.
You're doing great.
You don't need to produce anything at a quick pace. You are a star doing what you're already doing.
If you ever need a hand advertising or getting recognition for your work I'll do what I can, you deserve it. But don't think that low amount of reaction or comments means that your work is any less. These days it's really hard to be seen unless you've already been seen -w-