It's very troublesome and inconvenient to be told that I have been granted some elected office which I have never heard of. It cuts into my schedule, which is full of more important things. I have to curtail enjoyable activities like disgorging corrosive slime and copulating with yachts to go sort this nuisance out when it happens, and it happens with increasing regularity. I write today as a plea: Please, stop giving me authority.

I noticed this odd behavior some time ago, shortly after I burned down a Cheesecake Factory. I was being followed everywhere I went by a group of people wearing funny hats that wouldn't stop staring at me. This was unsettling, naturally. I tried eating them, but this only made more of them show up. With no recourse, I decided to converse with them, and they explained that they were my acolytes and they would do anything I told them to. I thought this was the stupidest thing I ever heard, so I told them to prove it by leaping into a rock quarry. That was one cult solved, but I only attracted another, and then another, in increasing levels of devotion and outlandishness. My current cult, which I try to ignore, wears orange swim fins at all times (and nothing else) and regularly flagellates themselves with baguettes.

It didn't stop there. People bother me all the time wanting me to tell them what to do. People will interrupt me devouring a Burger King to ask for dietary advice. I go to shit on a country club and they make me a member. I get calls from cable news asking to interview me about your piddling issues and what I think should be done about them. They keep trying to put this thing on my head, I think it's a crown? And the worst part is I can't figure out why. I have no concern for you other than to hasten as quickly as possible your painful demise. I am a hideous monster, propelled by malice, reeking and honking and craving your flesh. But does it alarm you? No! People lay on the street and beg me to step on them, with coy reverse psychology and an affected baby-talk voice that disgusts even me. I try to be even more horrible to put an end to it all, but the worse I get the more thrilled you are at the prospect of me enslaving you. Which brings me to the issue at hand, the most intolerable of the annoyances I suffer: The staggering number of elections I seem to be winning. I have been made, without my knowledge or approval, the president of two PTAs, several HOAs, mayor of various towns across four states, Tax Assessor of Archibald County, Chief Finance Minister of Molvania, and I am told that I have a decent shot at becoming a senator of Florida.

Please, please stop this. Do not write my name on any more ballots. It's weird and a little disturbing. What do I have to do to make you people hate and fear me? Be nice?