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[IMPORTANT] For my dear watchers and clients
3 years ago
Hello everyone.
It's been a long time since I worked on some commissions.... I haven't made much progress on them, mostly... it took me a while because I have had some bad days, days when I self-harmed...
I suffer from depression... And not only that, I have anxiety problems and anger problems.... Add to that, the economic situation of my country, and that I am the best breadwinner in my home, only my mother and I work, fortunately I earn more than she does, just doing commissions.... She earns literally $40 a week, while I earn $60 a day with a commission.... It's sad, but that's the situation here, for those who don't know, I'm from Venezuela.
Well, that's not the point. I have created this Journal because I almost ruined my life completely, I tried to commit suicide.... But I didn't do it, because here I am telling this, I don't have the courage to do something like that... I have felt like shit all these days... I didn't work on commissions for 2 weeks, just to rest, but it was still the same. My mind is filled with negative thoughts and I can't control it, it's like my own brain is controlling my emotions to make me feel bad.
Before I tried to finish myself off... I escaped on my bike a day before and went to a mountain without telling anyone where I went. Neither my friends nor my parents knew about me, I just went there to breathe and have some peace of mind... But even that didn't control what I tried to do the next day.
I don't even know where to start why I tried to do that, first I felt bad because I'm already 25 years old, and I live in a shitty situation, while other people are doing well and are already independent... I am still here and supporting my family.
Then there's the fact that I haven't had a romantic partner, or in short.... I haven't even had a real girlfriend, and that makes me feel rejected, like a piece of shit who nobody appreciates... I've tried to fight those thoughts, but they go on and on and on and on in my mind.... And they are the ones that affect me more emotionally...
It's horrible to have all these emotions attacking me at the same time, but what hurts me the most, are my anger issues. I have sores in my mouth, about 7 sores that I caused by hitting myself hard that day.... I slapped and hit myself very hard, so much so that now if I move my mouth, it's guaranteed agony.... I have not eaten well these days because my mouth has those wounds that I caused myself, not to mention the blows that can be seen on my face, but I have only said that I fell and that it was not caused by myself...
Oh I also have insomnia, I do not sleep well.... Only 4 hours is so many things
I need help and I don't know what to do, I've already been to psychologists, but I'm such an idiot that I don't do what they tell me..... Honestly though. I don't think what they tell me is really helping me, it seems like I really need a Psychiatrist.... The problem is money... It's hard for me to keep a house by myself, I hardly have any luxuries.... out of 100$ I earn, 60$ or 70$ goes for my home, food, bills, among others... Important things obviously, the rest... Just for myself or in case of emergency I keep them or gather them to buy something that makes me happy, some commission or model to make renders...
There are too many things going on in my mind, and I really haven't even counted all the shit I go through... I want to cry, but I can't, I don't think I'm macho or anything like that, I'm very sensitive, but when I need to cry.... I can't, it's just hard for me to cry when I have to....
I want to finish the commissions, but my close friends are asking me to rest.... But I can't, I'm already late in several... All because of my emotions and problems.
I apologize for taking so long... I simply ask for your understanding, it's not easy for me to live with these shitty emotions...
I am currently broke, I don't have enough money to buy food for the next few days, I am ashamed to do this.... But if you can donate in my Ko-Fi to have money and have some food in my home, it would be a great help, of course... It's optional, I'll see how I manage, this is my Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/wolfgal
Please, if you come to the comments to insult me or make me feel bad, save your words, any such comment I will block and delete.
I'm already tired of being like this, but I don't know what to do.... I'm not sure how many people read this, and I don't want it to go any further or reach many people, I'm not looking for attention, I just wanted to inform my clients what has happened to me these days and why it has taken me so long... First the scam and the threat of money, and now this.
Oh btw scammer, if you read this, I hope you do great in life, Puto cabron.
I am still working on the commissions, so keep checking the status of the commissions here: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10130211/
Well... that's all I had to say and I feel a little better about it. That's all I had to say and I feel a little better about it, I'll be glad to read your comments and all the best to all of you, please don't do the stupid things I tried to do, look for help.... Or at least try, I'll see what I can do.... This country everything is expensive, including an appointment with a psychiatrist.... Anyway, thank you very much for supporting me and for reading everything up to here, I will be reading your comments, and excuse my spelling mistakes, my English sometimes is not very good.
Thank you for your concern, I really appreciate it.
Thank you very much!