let me start off with, i know its April fools day. usually i made a joke i'm quitting drawing on april fools but stopped since i saw all the love and support.

that being said Im in what's called Burnt out. i really haven't been drawing for the past few weeks and its really. REALLY getting to me. were not in a good position for anything atm. my wife is working at a job she hates and i hate aswell. my job is come to a halt cause of this stupid mental pin in my head. not only that the more days i go on without getting a commission or working just drives me up a wall.

not only that the town we live in just sucks with jobs. some temp, others are just mental hastles for a paycheck. honestly helping my roommate find a job is just a hassle since its all "hiring" but no one wants to hire.

rent is 3 months late i got bills needed. internet, phone, water, electric. basically all this just to live and "work" even though i haven't done anything. and it's a constant voice in the back of my head yelling at me over and over and over again. "why did i quit my job? you should have stayed. you made money while an artist now look at ya, burnt out, depressed and anxious. suck it up and just draw."

"they don't care about this or that, you just want the money to spend on bills. and have a small amount for yourself to buy some game that's on sale or a snack so you can surpass your fallings, they don't want to hear about your mental health, everyone has it. grow up. they dont want to hear about how your back or stomach hurts every time you wake up. how you get sick often. they don't want to hear it. get your ass up and draw."

its really maddening how much it yells at me so much. honestly not mentally or physically ok. i really am not.

i don't like asking for help but its just hard. really it is. i want to get out of this rut so i can draw again and make money to fix the problems, but even then my self-worth is just so low. i don't know what to do...

not only this but the fact my birthday is coming up. nothing to be happy about it. I honestly fear it.

for those who don't know I had a really good buddy of mine.  wordsmith64 passed away about 2 years ago now. as well as my aunt. he didn't die on my birthday per say but my aunt did. and i got the news both on the same day. it hurt really badly. so badly i don't remember what happened last year cause i was drinking all day to forget about it. mostly slept too.

now its coming again with all this and i may lose where i live and what i have. its a constant ice pick. i really don't know what the fuck to do.

for the most part I'm "ok" ish at the moment. i'm not stupid enough to "end the game" early. i know a lot of people would be very upset if i did. i just need help. but i don't know what the fuck to do...