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Help - Get Me Out of Here
3 years ago
>>>If this journal is before 2020, I was younger than 18 and experienced a lot of neurological trauma :woozy_face:
>>>If this journal is before 2022 August 17th this was before I was a furry!
>>>If this journal is before 2022 August 17th this was before I was a furry!
Ok soooo, I had a mental disability, a really big one - that's how I got here. What it was? No bloody idea, but plurality - aka DID or OSDD, is the closest bet (probably some strange OSDD classification), as schizophrenia just doesn't cut it.
Much to my dismay, it has evolved. Fun-Fear may be gone, but the furry vore is not. Parts of my brain still take interest in furry vore, aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA. I am not into furry vore, I am forced into it. And I'm going to be forced into a furry as well if I don't get rid of it.
I am not a bloody furry, and never will be. Got close, will admit, but never there.
I want out of the furry fandom, I don't like it. Never have liked it, never associated with it. Vore and most furry fetishes are ewwww EUGH, gross, to me. Goddddd save my sooooooooooouuuuuuuuuul (I'm not religious so this is ironic).
Much to my dismay, it has evolved. Fun-Fear may be gone, but the furry vore is not. Parts of my brain still take interest in furry vore, aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA. I am not into furry vore, I am forced into it. And I'm going to be forced into a furry as well if I don't get rid of it.
I am not a bloody furry, and never will be. Got close, will admit, but never there.
I want out of the furry fandom, I don't like it. Never have liked it, never associated with it. Vore and most furry fetishes are ewwww EUGH, gross, to me. Goddddd save my sooooooooooouuuuuuuuuul (I'm not religious so this is ironic).
Failing that, the next best thing I can do is suggest things that I imagine an actual mental health professional would tell you. For example, to detach yourself from the vore while maintaining some sort of historical continuity here, you may find it useful to make a new account for people to communicate with you on without you seeing FF's old favs. Or, if it's what you really need, it may be worth just nuking your FA presence entirely. Idk, I'm very much not qualified to give mental health advice.
It's embarrassing enough that one of those two people only discovered because they played the vore game (that Fun-Fear made) that a complication of mine was playing at the time, and I had to explain. I could be socially destroyed by this situation. I've been solely fighting it alone, and long dog dude with an "imaginary friend" starting with "lov" was not helpful at all - this is why I hate him so much and with such a passion (don't want to mention his name in this journal).
The only one of those 3 I can do, is the creation of a new account. I can't detach due to the complication (people I've talked to online, have suggested detachment), and I can't leave FA due to the complication at hand.
On the one hand (and you probably know this, hence the journal), you shouldn't have to fight this alone. On the other hand, I can see why you've chosen words/actions/connections how you have. Fair enough about not mentioning *o*** and *o******* by name, tho I wouldn't be surprised if they see this anyway. (I'm not mentioning this journal to them, but I did link to our conversation on the other journal in a shout about a week ago, and I suspect their initial interest in my case combined with their continuing interest in you/"complication" is enough that they'd check things anyway.)
Okay, making a new account should at least take you one step further. For continuity's sake, the way I'd do it is just linking from this one ("Damotrix") to the new one (maybe something like "NL-talk"?) and saying in the new profile something like "New account of NL to move away from 'Eradicated (?)' interests while keeping communication open.", without linking back. Then leave a shout on this account from the new one for two-way confirmation that the accounts really are from the same system, and as a reminder to everyone that the old account is no longer active. Of course I expect you to do change details however suits you, but I wanted to be sure you have a concrete idea of what moving accounts looks like.
I'll get back to the other replies in a little while. But this journal seemed more urgent.
Yeah, I know I shouldn't have to, but it's for the best thus far. Yeah, any sense of venture into seeking help (which was minor venturing by my standards) usually had the results I expected with trying to come out - negativity, shame, hopelessness, and worthlessness. As well as being flat out ignored or forgotten lol. I was honestly surprised when the first time I had a continued positive time - was with a Call Centre from India that has an email-based system. They're slow with things (reply speed), but they're always there. It was the first and only time I had someone to actually talk to for longer than a day, while being comfortably in-depth. I've been able to talk with some people for longer than a day, and some with being comfortably in-depth, but never both.
You probably have an idea more than likely, but I just want to say "you have no idea" because I dunno, it increases the emphasis lol. But, "you have no idea" how much I do actually want help - I just know that it's probably impossible. Even if I was able to move on to that next level of getting help - what can they do? There's not really anything they could do, I don't think, now. I had been so hyper-focused on the concept of getting help - that I forgot just how unrealistic my expectations with help, are.
As much as I hate him, I do have a moral-based respect for him, that I won't cross. It might eventually erode away, but for the time being, it hasn't. Yeah, he's very likely to see this - everything I've said is stuff I'm comfortable with him seeing - and other people as well. Although I don't expect someone to filter through a million comments on that other journal though, so I was a lot more lackluster with holding back. So, you can share it if you want, I don't really care. He knows what I think about him lol
Yeah yeah maybe. I've used the intermediate account used by a "complication" after Fun-Fear, but before my current "complication", for accounts of alternative stuff in my name and action. Though, they made a discord, deviantart, and furaffinity with it. So I won't be able to change those beyond the discord - which does let you change it. I could use those accounts regardless though - instead of making another gmail.
Fair point. I've gotta go myself lol
That Indian call center sounds pretty good! Is it still available to you?
"You have no idea" how much I relate to "you have no idea" lol. But yeah, I don't understand your 'inner demons', only mine. And my 'inner demons' seem thoroughly incapable of sustained self-aware existence in this brain, so my fight is much different than yours.
As for finding new comments, there are plenty of automated tools for that. Thus *o*** could in theory "filter through a million comments" very easily, such as by running this: https://github.com/dgtlmoon/changedetection.io
Repurposing an existing alt account could work. Or you can try using a Gmail feature where certain types of similar addresses are all associated with the same account. E.g., username@gmail goes to the same account as user.name@gmail, username+nearly-arbitrary-additional-text-between-the-plus-and-at-signs@gmail, and even u.s.e.r.n.a.m.e+this-is-how-many-dots-can-fit-in-that-username@gmail (I omitted the ".com" part to avoid making actual email addresses in this example). When I made this account, FA accepted "disposable" email addresses, so it would surprise me if they've gone out of their way to limit Gmail addresses.
It's that rare rotten egg that I cannot risk. The one psychiatrist/psychologist that decides to ruin their career over it. They can move on more than likely, but I would not be able to. That's the difference, they won't have a huge complication in the future - beyond a slap on the wrist, being fired, and with it barely affecting their criminal record - while my life gets completely destroyed. It's not an equal ratio, and it doesn't incentivize privacy unless the person really loves their job - or paycheck.
It's only in their best interests if they choose to follow the rule - and are paid for it. Incentivization. Probably would have tons of rules on patient rights, but I dunno.
Nope, it's fully illegal, bestiality is illegal. Anyways, I heard it's not specifically illegal in Russia - but that you can still be charged for animal abuse for it, regardless. Ugh, I don't want to think it's bestiality because it makes me uncomfortable to consider it, but maybe it really is, I dunno. Fun-Fear and my complication, despite being sexually interested in vore, don't consider vore itself to be sexual (unless genitalia is involved, as per their definition). I don't think they even considered it a fetish or kink, up until my newest complication.
Yeah they are really good. It is still available, and I have yet to reply back to them, they recently sent me an email back like a few days ago.
Lmaooooo, it's our favourite phrase collectively. Yeah as much you'll never fully understand mine - I will probably never be able to fully understand yours. Oh for real, they aren't? Daaaaamn. I thought they were capable of sustained self-awareness. Eh, I did try to use every trick in the book to try to get rid of my complications, leading them to become more and more hyper-self-aware. True true, our fights are vastly different.
Fair, but how many people are going to think of that, how many people will be willing to use it, and how many people are going to know how to use it? I don't think I'd know how to use it lol - nor am I willing to use it for this situation.
Oh, that's a thing?? You can just, write it slightly different, and it will refer back to it? What if someone makes a gmail of that exact name?
Well, you can look up the penalties and ask what sorts of extreme cases they've helped. It's not the sort of thing where instant rapport is expected. That said, psychiatry is the sort of career that takes years of training and pays pretty well. So even if the record for breaking confidentiality isn't criminal, it's still career-ending. If I was hiring someone for a sensitive position, then I'd much rather hire someone who's plural in a chaotic and disordered way but doing their best to avoid hurting anyone, rather than someone who was in a trusted position of power and outed their patient.
Nope, it's fully illegal
Ah, that's good to hear!
Anyways, I heard it's not specifically illegal in Russia - but that you can still be charged for animal abuse for it, regardless.
I want to make some sort of "in post-Soviet Russia" joke, but I'm not seeing it. Anyway, why bring up Russia? Is that where *o*** lives?
Yeah they are really good. It is still available, and I have yet to reply back to them, they recently sent me an email back like a few days ago.
I highly encourage you to reply back soon! Any sort of safe professional guidance, really.
Oh for real, they aren't? Daaaaamn. I thought they were capable of sustained self-awareness. Eh, I did try to use every trick in the book to try to get rid of my complications, leading them to become more and more hyper-self-aware. True true, our fights are vastly different.
Well, that one ego-like a couple years ago that lasted less than 72 hours was self-aware enough to look up information on how a coup d'état works and learned that a coup is considered successful after a week or so. But it could only exist in forced monolithic form and wouldn't let any other self awareness exist, which was highly unstable. So it was frankly incompatible with this brain and couldn't be salvaged as-was even if it had the full support of the system. Most of the other "demons" are more like sub-sapient impulses and urges, or bad memories and ideas. Turns out this brain is kinda bad at sustaining consciously independently self-modifying volitional structures, despite all the hyper-individualistic projects of interest.
Fair, but how many people are going to think of that, how many people will be willing to use it, and how many people are going to know how to use it?
Well, it would be pretty trivial for a web developer, and straightforward for any other programmer or system administrator.
Oh, that's a thing?? You can just, write it slightly different, and it will refer back to it? What if someone makes a gmail of that exact name?
Yep. It's been around for over a decade. Here's a post from the official Gmail blog: https://gmail.googleblog.com/2008/0.....from-your.html . As for conflicts, I've heard rumour of that happening in the early days of Gmail, but they haven't allowed such conflicting accounts to be created for a long time. So, if you already have username "example", then no one can make accounts named "ex.ample", "eXaMpLe", etcetera. I also think it disallows "+" in usernames, while allowing them in addresses. So it's guaranteed that "example", "eX.Am.pL.e+whatever-words-you-want", and similar all correspond to the same "example" account, regardless of what dots or capitalization are used.
Fair fair, but I don't have the energy to check every single type of penalty - and their conditions, at the moment. That's true, it isn't the type of thing of where instant rapport is expected, but it's 100% undeniable rapport I expect if I'm giving out my legal name and address.
Career-ending, and education and pay being flushed down the toilet, but not life ruining. And besides, I'm sure there's ways they can figure out, to face lesser or no penalties whatsoever, through good word usage and supposed facts. Snake-tonguing/fork-tonguing - deceptive lying or abuse of legality. Which, happens a lot in other departments, so why shouldn't I expect it to happen in psychiatry?
Damn, that's me! Lmaoooo. But yeah, makes sense. Considering it shows that under stress - and even psychosis, such an individual can maintain confidentiality and ethics.
Ah, that's good to hear!
I want to make some sort of "in post-Soviet Russia" joke, but I'm not seeing it. Anyway, why bring up Russia? Is that where *o*** lives?
Indeeeeeed. Lmaooo, would be funny. No, I just remembered it from a meme. Long-dog lives on the East Coast (USA) last time I recall (he took an image of his and my messages after I asked if he could see an emoji I couldn't see, and he stupidly included his timestamps, which matched mine, about half to a full year ago. I would say I tried to get him to do it like some villainous mastermind, but I really didn't even think about it, until I saw the timestamps in his messages lmao. It's the subconsciously opportunistic side of myself and my complication, that immediately went, "OH YEAH, HE LIVES ON THE EAST COAST!!!"). I think he moves a lot, so he might be elsewhere now, but he did try to trick me by saying a small damn tree he took a picture of, was a redwood, about half a year ago. I guess he was trying to humour me the idea that he was actually on the West Coast.
Well, that one ego-like a couple years ago that lasted less than 72 hours was self-aware enough to look up information on how a coup d'état works and learned that a coup is considered successful after a week or so. But it could only exist in forced monolithic form and wouldn't let any other self awareness exist, which was highly unstable. So it was frankly incompatible with this brain and couldn't be salvaged as-was even if it had the full support of the system. Most of the other "demons" are more like sub-sapient impulses and urges, or bad memories and ideas. Turns out this brain is kinda bad at sustaining consciously independently self-modifying volitional structures, despite all the hyper-individualistic projects of interest.
Damn, it researched a coup d'etat? Mine didn't research it, they just acknowledged that it was a forceful transition of power made by a militarily or influentially capable power - de facto transition rather than de jure. Damn, so it became like a huge tumour and suffocated itself essentially from its immense girth. Ah I see I see. I kinda envy you now, I wish my brain was too incompatible. I mean, I don't want to be plural, but your plurality is much more enviable to me.
Well, it would be pretty trivial for a web developer, and straightforward for any other programmer or system administrator.
Maybe, but, to which extent would people of such class find this place (if they can), would be interested, and would actively research? You're prob one of a very select few people (like 25 or less) who have genuinely taken interest in my shortcomings within the last 3 years, and even a rarer select few (like 3 or less including long-dog) who took interest solely by themselves - and not from talking to me in person (initially anyways).
In all senses, I find it a very rare chance. Well, a very rare chance until I make it onto some "Dark Side of the Internet" or "Internet Archives" kinda video lmao.
Yep. It's been around for over a decade. Here's a post from the official Gmail blog: https://gmail.googleblog.com/2008/0.....from-your.html . As for conflicts, I've heard rumour of that happening in the early days of Gmail, but they haven't allowed such conflicting accounts to be created for a long time. So, if you already have username "example", then no one can make accounts named "ex.ample", "eXaMpLe", etcetera. I also think it disallows "+" in usernames, while allowing them in addresses. So it's guaranteed that "example", "eX.Am.pL.e+whatever-words-you-want", and similar all correspond to the same "example" account, regardless of what dots or capitalization are used.
Damn, that's cool to note. Seems pretty helpful too judging by the blog.
*awkward but I did become furry :skull:*
Well technically have been since July of 2022 but it really took off recently so now I go "uwu" "owo" and are into vore bruh