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A Lost & Sad Little Duckling (Journaling)
3 years ago
OPTIONAL MELODY:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gBXKcdHyb0
(Thought this would be better to go with this ‘Current Feelings Journal’ than Happiness In Slavery, or Wish by Nine Inch Nails. Both of the non-Berdly songs, which both are from the Broken album, tend to reflect my feelings of frustration and how I have unpleasant feelings towards my overall future when I get too far from the Yosh & Celeste parts of my ‘Mental Health Defense System’.).
POSITIVES FIRST:
Writing negatives is more for my Journaling / Self-Therapy and need not be read.
1: Lucca and I are doing great together! He is a really great partner who never seems to run out of ways in which we can improve on both are shared and individual lives. He has also helped me to work myself off an anti-anxiety medication that I no longer need, but had become addicted to. It is hoped that I will be able to be completely off the medication by the end of the year.
2: Lucca has helped me to see just how much I have allowed myself to be controlled / manipulated by people. These individuals are the ones that have used various forms of passive-aggressive, shaming, and/or disappointment whenever I have done things in my own best interest in which they do not agree with. (Critique and individual opinion’s are okay. However, I draw the line at being talked down to, ignored, blamed, etc. for matters in which cause no harm to myself, those around me, and/or imply that I am the direct cause of negative events that I have no direct control over.).
3: I feel the creative fires of inspiration returning to my heart and soul. I no longer feel like I have to force myself to write stories, comment on the work of others, etc. This should allow me to really make some progress after, what has been, over a year-long fight against depression.
WHAT MAKES A DINO-DUCKLING THROW A TANTRUM:
You can stop reading now…
1: The job opportunity with the city, which I was officially hired for and set to start back on February 24th of this year, has completely fallen through. (Additional tests for my ability to perform the job and work with the city’s third-party software ended on May 5th with an ‘Accessibility Technology Specialist (AT)’ being hired by ‘Blindness & Visual Services (BBVS)’ to come into the workplace to determine how I could successfully perform the position of [u]Part-Time Receptionist[/b]. However, upon review, the AT found that the volume of in-person customers, hand-written documents, and volume of other documents that are physical and not electronic was too great to perform given current existing tools for individuals who are 100% blind.).to
2: 16 years of being bullied, misunderstood, underappreciated, and being ”…Our first blind hire…” has me Strongly questioning if there is any job opportunity out there that I can do that supplements, or safely exceeds, receiving Social Security Disability (SSDI). (I know that I have ways in which I can contribute to the world and those around me. The issue is that I do not, nor can genuinely figure out, an ethical way to be paid for what I do best and find myself frequently being told I should find a career in.).
3: It has become painfully obvious that I am less than capable, largely due to issues with ease-of-use for someone who is 100% blind, of maintaining a house. There are just too many important aspects of home ownership that either take way too long to even attempt with any degree of success in which someone with eyesight could perform more successfully in a fraction of the time, or simply have no workarounds in which someone who is without physical eyesight can perform. (Lucca has taken on a number of these tasks to help ensure the overall integrity of the house. This has had the unfortunate side effect of taking away from the time he would be spending on commission work that helps support us financially.).
4: I am really struggling to find activities / interests in which do not require someone else in order to enjoy them. Most notably is playing video games. Finding someone who genuinely wants to play a game for me is next to impossible. (Before my eyesight was lost forever in 2016, I was able to play some games with the aid of super-magnified glasses and pink / rose-colored filters to reduce the impact of a lifetime of treatments, surgeries, and appointments in the attempt to retain some degree of vision against the incurable eye disease, Glaucoma.).
5: Finding ways to enjoy what I would like to enjoy without having to make someone else feel like my proxy / feel as if I am living vicariously through them is causing me to think of how worthwhile it is to try and pursue any interest in which I cannot 100% tangibly interact with that has no need for physical eyesight. (I’ve wasted more money than I would like to admit on things that made ‘me’ feel happy that became sources of sadness due to how I need someone else in order to truly experience in the way I would like to.).
6: Peep is spending more-and-more time with his mom. His mom does not work over the summer and has plans to take him to various places over the course of the summer. I am not able to do much of anything with, or for, my son beyond keeping his room available for when he may wish to have friends over. (Peep has not really shown a lot of interest in having his friends over for gaming, sleepovers, etc. since the house was purchased by my mother and I. This has a short-term benefit of allowing Lucca and I to reclaim the ‘Master Bedroom’ we gave him to use for when he had friends over. The long-term loss is how, since his mother left me in 2018, I have felt less-and-less a worthwhile part of his life.).
CONCLUSION:
I have really just felt like I’m an obsolete human being who has nothing worthwhile to work towards, feel excited about, or even offer to the ever-growing world we live in where eyesight is needed in order to participate without burdening someone else. What’s the point of aspiring for anything when all it takes is nobody being interested in what you are aspiring for to make it all a worthless waste of time?
Lucca has really done a great job of being there for me despite how much of a burden I feel I am to him. There is so much I would like to do to show Lucca my appreciation for his love as my ‘Papa’. Unfortunately you need money to do those things in which will empower yourself and those you are significantly bonded to. Five weeks from today, I will not be getting the financial benefit of Unemployment Compensation. Getting another job is feeling more-and-more impossible and I know my talents as a writer are nowhere where they would need to be in order to make up for this loss of income through opening story commissions. (I also have no notable reputation as an writer with most of my written works going unread with no feedback to show for the time it takes me to write entirely through the use of blind-friendly, screen-reading software. It also doesn’t help how less than a handful of people have really read those works I invested a lot of time and money in order to show my gift for writing.).
I’ll get over myself more sooner-than-later thanks to this journal. I only share these as there may be someone else out there who feels like there is nothing worth feeling happy about, but does not know how to express themselves. Knowing you can relate with someone is one of the first steps towards pushing back against all that psychologically brings you down.
May all be well and know that, no matter what, I will be doing my best to find something to keep myself from giving up on doing all I can to make something of my life.
Your Pal:
---Yosh E. O’Ducky ;)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gBXKcdHyb0
(Thought this would be better to go with this ‘Current Feelings Journal’ than Happiness In Slavery, or Wish by Nine Inch Nails. Both of the non-Berdly songs, which both are from the Broken album, tend to reflect my feelings of frustration and how I have unpleasant feelings towards my overall future when I get too far from the Yosh & Celeste parts of my ‘Mental Health Defense System’.).
POSITIVES FIRST:
Writing negatives is more for my Journaling / Self-Therapy and need not be read.
1: Lucca and I are doing great together! He is a really great partner who never seems to run out of ways in which we can improve on both are shared and individual lives. He has also helped me to work myself off an anti-anxiety medication that I no longer need, but had become addicted to. It is hoped that I will be able to be completely off the medication by the end of the year.
2: Lucca has helped me to see just how much I have allowed myself to be controlled / manipulated by people. These individuals are the ones that have used various forms of passive-aggressive, shaming, and/or disappointment whenever I have done things in my own best interest in which they do not agree with. (Critique and individual opinion’s are okay. However, I draw the line at being talked down to, ignored, blamed, etc. for matters in which cause no harm to myself, those around me, and/or imply that I am the direct cause of negative events that I have no direct control over.).
3: I feel the creative fires of inspiration returning to my heart and soul. I no longer feel like I have to force myself to write stories, comment on the work of others, etc. This should allow me to really make some progress after, what has been, over a year-long fight against depression.
WHAT MAKES A DINO-DUCKLING THROW A TANTRUM:
You can stop reading now…
1: The job opportunity with the city, which I was officially hired for and set to start back on February 24th of this year, has completely fallen through. (Additional tests for my ability to perform the job and work with the city’s third-party software ended on May 5th with an ‘Accessibility Technology Specialist (AT)’ being hired by ‘Blindness & Visual Services (BBVS)’ to come into the workplace to determine how I could successfully perform the position of [u]Part-Time Receptionist[/b]. However, upon review, the AT found that the volume of in-person customers, hand-written documents, and volume of other documents that are physical and not electronic was too great to perform given current existing tools for individuals who are 100% blind.).to
2: 16 years of being bullied, misunderstood, underappreciated, and being ”…Our first blind hire…” has me Strongly questioning if there is any job opportunity out there that I can do that supplements, or safely exceeds, receiving Social Security Disability (SSDI). (I know that I have ways in which I can contribute to the world and those around me. The issue is that I do not, nor can genuinely figure out, an ethical way to be paid for what I do best and find myself frequently being told I should find a career in.).
3: It has become painfully obvious that I am less than capable, largely due to issues with ease-of-use for someone who is 100% blind, of maintaining a house. There are just too many important aspects of home ownership that either take way too long to even attempt with any degree of success in which someone with eyesight could perform more successfully in a fraction of the time, or simply have no workarounds in which someone who is without physical eyesight can perform. (Lucca has taken on a number of these tasks to help ensure the overall integrity of the house. This has had the unfortunate side effect of taking away from the time he would be spending on commission work that helps support us financially.).
4: I am really struggling to find activities / interests in which do not require someone else in order to enjoy them. Most notably is playing video games. Finding someone who genuinely wants to play a game for me is next to impossible. (Before my eyesight was lost forever in 2016, I was able to play some games with the aid of super-magnified glasses and pink / rose-colored filters to reduce the impact of a lifetime of treatments, surgeries, and appointments in the attempt to retain some degree of vision against the incurable eye disease, Glaucoma.).
5: Finding ways to enjoy what I would like to enjoy without having to make someone else feel like my proxy / feel as if I am living vicariously through them is causing me to think of how worthwhile it is to try and pursue any interest in which I cannot 100% tangibly interact with that has no need for physical eyesight. (I’ve wasted more money than I would like to admit on things that made ‘me’ feel happy that became sources of sadness due to how I need someone else in order to truly experience in the way I would like to.).
6: Peep is spending more-and-more time with his mom. His mom does not work over the summer and has plans to take him to various places over the course of the summer. I am not able to do much of anything with, or for, my son beyond keeping his room available for when he may wish to have friends over. (Peep has not really shown a lot of interest in having his friends over for gaming, sleepovers, etc. since the house was purchased by my mother and I. This has a short-term benefit of allowing Lucca and I to reclaim the ‘Master Bedroom’ we gave him to use for when he had friends over. The long-term loss is how, since his mother left me in 2018, I have felt less-and-less a worthwhile part of his life.).
CONCLUSION:
I have really just felt like I’m an obsolete human being who has nothing worthwhile to work towards, feel excited about, or even offer to the ever-growing world we live in where eyesight is needed in order to participate without burdening someone else. What’s the point of aspiring for anything when all it takes is nobody being interested in what you are aspiring for to make it all a worthless waste of time?
Lucca has really done a great job of being there for me despite how much of a burden I feel I am to him. There is so much I would like to do to show Lucca my appreciation for his love as my ‘Papa’. Unfortunately you need money to do those things in which will empower yourself and those you are significantly bonded to. Five weeks from today, I will not be getting the financial benefit of Unemployment Compensation. Getting another job is feeling more-and-more impossible and I know my talents as a writer are nowhere where they would need to be in order to make up for this loss of income through opening story commissions. (I also have no notable reputation as an writer with most of my written works going unread with no feedback to show for the time it takes me to write entirely through the use of blind-friendly, screen-reading software. It also doesn’t help how less than a handful of people have really read those works I invested a lot of time and money in order to show my gift for writing.).
I’ll get over myself more sooner-than-later thanks to this journal. I only share these as there may be someone else out there who feels like there is nothing worth feeling happy about, but does not know how to express themselves. Knowing you can relate with someone is one of the first steps towards pushing back against all that psychologically brings you down.
May all be well and know that, no matter what, I will be doing my best to find something to keep myself from giving up on doing all I can to make something of my life.
Your Pal:
---Yosh E. O’Ducky ;)
***
Please know that I am always here for you, my Ham-Ticki-Tastic, dino-butt buddy. I will always have time for you. *Boops your nose and giggles* Toot-a-loo and Scootaloo!
On part 6: Having been a child in a divorce (11 years ago), kids will spend time, given the option, wherever they think is most convenient. But you're still his dad, and I'm sure he's thankful for that. Just remember, it's always the littlest, most absurdly inconsequential things that kids consider important. Don't sweat the big stuff too much, just put effort in where you can.
Sorry I can't help more. My username is sambo48, I go by Omen, in case you want to talk. Just saying because I'm not sure what kind of accessibility stuff FA does or what you need, and being a web developer, I know how awful the screen-reader support can be.
***
I've not heard of 'The Veil: Shadow of the Crown'. I shall have to do a little research into it after I finish replying to my current list of comments. (I tend to get to comments faster than submissions and to submissions before I get to notes. This is largely due to the amount of effort needed to properly read and reply to what is being shared in these areas of the site.).
***
I need to stop getting my diapers in a bunch over how things have gone with my son since his mom decided she was done with me. He is just about done with his Freshman year of High School and doing very well with his grades, friendships, and even taking part in advocating for those classmates he has who are LGBTQ.
What seems to make my mind go into 'Nightmare Mode' is hearing my mom / his grandma go on about how she believes my Peep doesn't respect her and a bunch of other things that just get super annoying and depressing to hear on a near regular basis. No kid is perfect and no teenager is without acting like a twerp. It is also fair to say that having a social life with opportunities to discover yourself are what drive the transition from teen to young adult.
I'm hopeful that, once he is out and experiencing life more freely post High School that he'll remember to stop by and play some games with his dad.
***
You're a Web Developer? How awesome! I was kind of a content creator between 1996 and 2003. I utilized Microsoft FrontPage to assist people in making fairly simple web-sites, maintained a fairly successful fan-site for Nintendo's 'Yoshi', and maintained an online store pressence for a local PC & Mobile Phone company.
What amazes me about web design from the early 2000s to Present is how much extra image-based / dashboard content occupies web-based based applications. These would not be so bad if it was not for the fact they often are more of an image than text. Screen reading software, like JAWS, does not get along with anything that requires a precise mouse-click would be needed in order to interact with. (Breadcrumb navigation works well, but not interactive drop-down menus.).
As I have lost jobs as a result of poor 'Accessibility Testing', which has been justified to me as there not being enough time to properly vet software prior to its release, I have figured out a simple way to make technology more accessible to everyone with the most minimal amount of extra 'Functional', 'Regression', or 'Accessibility Testing'.
1: Develop the entire software system so someone who does not work well with a mouse can perform all duties with their keyboard. (There are many people who would prefer to not break away from their train-of-thought to find, move, and click the mouse. Allowing the user to complete all actions from 'Point A' to 'Point B' without breaking their stride on the keyboard.)
2: Make the 'Default Appearance' to be [Automatic] for background color and [Automatic] for text color. (This will allow users who utilize 'High Contrast Mode', or may need a different theme to minimize eye strain, to not miss displayed content.).
3: Code all drop-down boxes, check boxes, and edit boxes so that default hot keys that exist in the optimized for web browser can be used to quickly move about the GUI.
The above is a simple, barebones minimum that will give the visually-impaired a chance to succeed at their jobs while also providing a foundation for users who are 100% blind.
***
Sorry for so much quacking. I once worked for an insurance company as a 'Business Analyst' and, despite being horrifically bullied out of my position due to my decaying eyesight, I really enjoyed writing 'Test Scripts', performing 'Functional & Regression Testing', drafting 'Use Case' documents, and creating training manuals for departmental best practices.
Have a super day! Keep doing all you can to develop software that can be enjoyed and interacted with by as large of an audience as possible!
Yeah, I'm constantly horrified by what the internet has turned into. A sea of look-alike websites, all using toolkits and frameworks instead of writing their own stylesheets and code, not to mention the horrible optimization for both performance and the user interface, which are awful even before you get into accessibility problems. My stance has always been that the actual website, even the server side processing, should be built from the ground up as simply as possible. Make it function properly, then make it look nice using stylesheets. The obsession with frameworks and avoiding page refreshes has always baffled me. And yeah, those little interactive drop-downs that you hover on that every company seems to love nowadays are absolutely awful.
No worries about the amount of "quacking". I enjoyed reading your replies.
I hope you have a brilliant day, and in fact week, as well!
***
Did you know that you can download the JAWS screen reader software from the 'Freedom Scientific' web-site? It will run in "45 Minute Mode", but you can get those 45 minutes back by just restarting your computer, loading JAWS, and enjoying the 'Mr. Roboto' voice that makes screen-reading software oh-so much fun. :)
I had my employer, to whom hired me and I never could start the job due to software and other blind-related technicalities, download JAWS Professional to their work computer. This allowed me to test the third party software they were using for how well it would work with JAWS... and it failed miserably. *Sighs*
***
When I worked for the insurance company, I was quite proud of having all of our software built and maintained 'In-House'. There was one software system, which was used for fraud protection, which was built by a third party and boy-oh-boy was it a mess when my department started to test for how much effort we'd need to do to ensure it worked fluidly for its day-to-day intended purpose.
What is super annoying is how the third party, 'out of the box' solution developers create, in my experienced opinion, the most barebones systems to meet the very minimal definition of functionality. Businesses, government agencies, etc. feel they are saving money by foregoing an in-house IT team to build and/or maintain important systems that meet their day-to-day needs. Unfortunately these cost-cutting measures put the entity buying into the software at the mercy of the third party developer who may, or may not, update the software in ways that have more compatibility issues for those poor entities that bought into the software that may, or may not, be cutting corners to force new releases and charge more to integrate changes for the end user.
*Sighs* Sorry. I get a tad bothered at how business owners appear to just see numbers on a 'Balance Sheet' and decide that is what they are going to do. So much 'Short Term' thinking without any concern for 'Long Term' results. :(
Hopefully that continued to be the case going forward...
Lots of things to diligently work on to stay out of the hole and waddling closer-and-closer to that great big pond with crystal-clear water that is always just the right temperature. :)
You aren't obsolete. What you do is amazing.
Sometimes it just feels like I'm not living the "You won't need your eyes to find your place in the world." way that I know I should be. This is why writing journals to express feelings with words that act as a one-on-one therapy session with myself help a ton. :)
***
I hope that you are well and that you know I am getting closer-and-closer to both commenting and writing more work for friends and just quacky good times.
The picture is both an rp scene and vent art. With visual descripion of course.
I think, if you can and feel up to it, you ought to open up story commissions. I'd definitely be down for more stuff from you. This seems like an easy way for me to throw money at you. If I can help you in other ways, I will.
Do you feel you will be able to apply for Unemployment Compensation benefits? Mine run out after the first week in July, but 26 weeks of financial help to get you to your next job is certainly super-duper helpful. The only catch is how you need to make sure the current employer writes a small document to prove you were 'laid off' over having been forced to quit. Being 'laid off' is what allows you to make a gallant charge towards getting weekly benefits that can super help while you rebuild your strategy for your next assault on the workforce.
***
I've been missing the opportunity to talk with you. Lucca has been keeping me up to date with all the goings on with the group chat, but I really need to find a way to get in where it allows Lucca and I both to jovially participate in the fun group tweets, chirps, roars, barks, howls, crinkles, etc.
***
I think I will open up for story commissions next week. I need to see if I have any backlog to take care of with regard to writing and, soon-after, I'll see what comes of it to aid in the supplementing of me and Lucca's income. :)
*Snugs again* thanks, tacki.
Yes, it would be quite nice to have you become a regular.
I'll keep my eyes open for when you announce story commissions. Thank you for the possibility!
Have you done something interesting with your son in the recent time? I would really like to know that, I'm sure that you two have nice time together.
***
My son, Peep, is at the age where he is becoming his own person. He also got his very first summer job, which he is looking to keep as he continues his High School Degree this Autumn / Fall. He has 3 years left before graduation and it is really nice hearing him so happy with the work he does while saving money to afford his first car. (I never had enough eyesight to legally have a licenese to drive. I did learn to drive from my mom and dad on abandoned logging roads. I still remember how to use a 'Standard transmission' enough to find first and second gear. I just really prefer an 'Automatic Transmission' due to how terrible I am in using the clutch to start the process of changing from one gear to another gear.).
My son makes me very proud for how he is growing up. I wish we could do more things together, but I feel very happy getting to know how he takes pride in his work, which is for a restaurant chain that serves soft-served ice cream treats, while he keeps getting good grades, finding his joy in the arts, and caring enough to not judge his fellow classmates on anything society is known to falsely assume of certain types of people.
The way Pennsylvania, where I live, has people earn their driver's licenses varies depending on the US State you are a citizen of. Some states are more difficult to earn your driver's license while others make it fairly simple.