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Life Update (rant and serious things related)
3 years ago
General
Hello, everyone.
It's been a long time since I wrote a journal about what I've done lately. Many things have happened and my situation is changing a lot (for better or worse).
For those who don't know me: I'm SaberKenji. I live in Colombia. 38 years old.
I've been drawing furry since 2006. In 2010 I had moved to another account called Tokenworks, starting that stage as a cartoonist working together with Toenz until 2021, after the pandemic, when we ended our relationship.
Since that year, my life has gone through many ups and downs. A lot of low hits. Too many bad things. I tried to keep Tokenworks afloat but a situation with a guy that scammed me (which was out of my hands) caused my reputation as an artist to take a quick nosedive to the hell.
I won't go into details because to be honest, I'm not going to give exposure to those people who affected my reputation.
For this reason I came back to this account, with my tail between my legs, being humiliated by life itself.
I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) since adolescence and something that was thought to be overcome resurfaced with greater force. Antidepressants are not working anymore apparently.
Every day is a personal hell, a battle against myself where the loser is my body and my health.
Even so, I had hopes that everything would change for the better and that I could only get out of my situation.
Last week my grandmother died.
The last time I spoke to her was a month ago. Supposedly my uncle was taking care of her since the beginning of this year.
I found out what was really going on. Total abandonment. My grandmother should never have left my house, my mother and I were very aware of her. Now I feel frustrated, hating my uncle more and more.
I'm thinking in my uncle as the one who killed my grandma...
But Am I a bad person because I think that? am I someone selfish? Am I paying karma? Do I really deserve what is happening? Those feelings pass through my head every day.
Lately I'm waking up and in the morning I try to get motivation by slapping myself in the face, telling to me: "Not anymore, Kenji!" "You're alive, you should be thankful for that. Wake up and move on!" I neglected my personal appearance and so far I am doing something about it.
I wonder when I will stop suffering. When will it end and how many more things must I lose to find happiness. I am afraid to think about loved ones who will leave my side. Drawing distracts me from all this, and although people tell me that I have improved a lot, that my drawings are incredible, that my art is not the same as before... I still don't assimilate that I do things well. I used to be able to draw something in seconds using my own imagination. Now that imagination seems to be missing or maybe it doesn't want to help me anymore.
I'm still not convinced that I'm doing a good thing.
If you ask me: What do you feel right now? My answer would be: I don't know.
I apologize if this whole journal has upset you or sounds pretty negative, but keep in mind that I just lost a loved one. I want to continue drawing and I would like to draw things that are currently in trend or the things I have in hold for two years.
This is a long process, just like quitting smoking or getting off antidepressants.
Please be patient. I'll be fine...I think.
----Kenji----
It's been a long time since I wrote a journal about what I've done lately. Many things have happened and my situation is changing a lot (for better or worse).
For those who don't know me: I'm SaberKenji. I live in Colombia. 38 years old.
I've been drawing furry since 2006. In 2010 I had moved to another account called Tokenworks, starting that stage as a cartoonist working together with Toenz until 2021, after the pandemic, when we ended our relationship.
Since that year, my life has gone through many ups and downs. A lot of low hits. Too many bad things. I tried to keep Tokenworks afloat but a situation with a guy that scammed me (which was out of my hands) caused my reputation as an artist to take a quick nosedive to the hell.
I won't go into details because to be honest, I'm not going to give exposure to those people who affected my reputation.
For this reason I came back to this account, with my tail between my legs, being humiliated by life itself.
I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) since adolescence and something that was thought to be overcome resurfaced with greater force. Antidepressants are not working anymore apparently.
Every day is a personal hell, a battle against myself where the loser is my body and my health.
Even so, I had hopes that everything would change for the better and that I could only get out of my situation.
Last week my grandmother died.
The last time I spoke to her was a month ago. Supposedly my uncle was taking care of her since the beginning of this year.
I found out what was really going on. Total abandonment. My grandmother should never have left my house, my mother and I were very aware of her. Now I feel frustrated, hating my uncle more and more.
I'm thinking in my uncle as the one who killed my grandma...
But Am I a bad person because I think that? am I someone selfish? Am I paying karma? Do I really deserve what is happening? Those feelings pass through my head every day.
Lately I'm waking up and in the morning I try to get motivation by slapping myself in the face, telling to me: "Not anymore, Kenji!" "You're alive, you should be thankful for that. Wake up and move on!" I neglected my personal appearance and so far I am doing something about it.
I wonder when I will stop suffering. When will it end and how many more things must I lose to find happiness. I am afraid to think about loved ones who will leave my side. Drawing distracts me from all this, and although people tell me that I have improved a lot, that my drawings are incredible, that my art is not the same as before... I still don't assimilate that I do things well. I used to be able to draw something in seconds using my own imagination. Now that imagination seems to be missing or maybe it doesn't want to help me anymore.
I'm still not convinced that I'm doing a good thing.
If you ask me: What do you feel right now? My answer would be: I don't know.
I apologize if this whole journal has upset you or sounds pretty negative, but keep in mind that I just lost a loved one. I want to continue drawing and I would like to draw things that are currently in trend or the things I have in hold for two years.
This is a long process, just like quitting smoking or getting off antidepressants.
Please be patient. I'll be fine...I think.
----Kenji----
I wish you all the very best for your future, your art-career, and your life in general, that things will calm down and you will be able to have a more peace-of-mind very soon.
Just so you know, anything that you're going through is temporary. Just don't be hard on yourself if the changes you want aren't coming as fast as you like it to be. These things take time. Just keep your head up and keep on living.
My condolences on your loss. It can be pretty hard to adjust to a family member that you were close to.
you're a great bro
I prefer to forgive and move on. I’m not talking with my uncle anymore.