FA+
Shop
6/6 - So Mad
3 years ago
I'm so mad. Don't even know why. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Everything god damn suck. Falling apart. Nothing really makes me happy anymore, don't know if I will feel okay or happy again. I keep thinking about ending it but I never do. Why haven't I yet? It's all over. Everything I touch turns to ruin. Why am I so mad? Why the FUCK do I feel so alone, even when I try to reach out I feel so fucking alone and I'm with my thoughts and it's killing me. Maybe it should just finish the job. What am I anymore? Why am I even doing anything?
Work's been fine. I work with good people. Brought in some Anaglyph 3D glasses for everyone so they could watch my videos in 3D. Was that stupid? Doesn't seem like anyone has taken any. Well, maybe one or two people. Some people at work really like my videos. I never really follow up on the numbers they do. I haven't really been particularly inspired recently. Even the things I want to do I don't have the inspiration to do. Where are these projects going? Are they losing quality now?
Why the FUCK can't I connect to others anymore? Why do I feel like there's there brick wall now? Am I stupid? Autistic AF? No confidence. It's frustrating me. Like, I can talk to people. Sometimes I can't connect. The people I want to connect with I can't. Feels like I can't. I try to be supportive of everyone. Still, feels like I'm my own biggest roadblock. How do I remove that? I will never have the potential for success again. Everything just burns down.
I just want to feel like I can love again but I can't I just fucking can't. I get so fucking weird about it now. It all feels WRONG. Still being thrust between wanting to love again and having this emotional block that prevents it. It just doesn't go away. Maybe I never knew how to love to begin with. Maybe I am incapable of it. People said it would get better. I would feel okay. I don't. I just can't get past it. I just want to give all my stuff away and disappear. If I'm not any good, why am I still here? Am I just as mad as all the other people? I'm trying to make a legit conscious effort to try and be a better person.
Maybe it's easy to forget the good things when so much bad has happened. I either want love or career success, and neither I have achieved. I want to love and be loved by another again so bad but I just can't. It feels like something broke inside me. Can that be fixed? Will time heal this still? Have I not met the right person? How do I do this? Everything feels so much more complicated than it did before. It's so stupid, so fucking stupid. I can't with it anymore. Is it worth fixing at this point? Maybe it's time to lay down and give everything a rest. I technically did the one thing I wanted in life already. Could I die without regrets? Why can't I be motivated to do the things I like?
Why the fuck do I still have to be nuts? It feels like everything happened yesterday, and it's coming up on a YEAR. Should I just burn everything to the ground? Burn all the bridges and end it? Nobody would care anyway, and it would help me end myself easier if nobody would miss me. She was okay with me killing myself. She told me as long as it wasn't around her, it would be okay. Maybe she was right.
Work's been fine. I work with good people. Brought in some Anaglyph 3D glasses for everyone so they could watch my videos in 3D. Was that stupid? Doesn't seem like anyone has taken any. Well, maybe one or two people. Some people at work really like my videos. I never really follow up on the numbers they do. I haven't really been particularly inspired recently. Even the things I want to do I don't have the inspiration to do. Where are these projects going? Are they losing quality now?
Why the FUCK can't I connect to others anymore? Why do I feel like there's there brick wall now? Am I stupid? Autistic AF? No confidence. It's frustrating me. Like, I can talk to people. Sometimes I can't connect. The people I want to connect with I can't. Feels like I can't. I try to be supportive of everyone. Still, feels like I'm my own biggest roadblock. How do I remove that? I will never have the potential for success again. Everything just burns down.
I just want to feel like I can love again but I can't I just fucking can't. I get so fucking weird about it now. It all feels WRONG. Still being thrust between wanting to love again and having this emotional block that prevents it. It just doesn't go away. Maybe I never knew how to love to begin with. Maybe I am incapable of it. People said it would get better. I would feel okay. I don't. I just can't get past it. I just want to give all my stuff away and disappear. If I'm not any good, why am I still here? Am I just as mad as all the other people? I'm trying to make a legit conscious effort to try and be a better person.
Maybe it's easy to forget the good things when so much bad has happened. I either want love or career success, and neither I have achieved. I want to love and be loved by another again so bad but I just can't. It feels like something broke inside me. Can that be fixed? Will time heal this still? Have I not met the right person? How do I do this? Everything feels so much more complicated than it did before. It's so stupid, so fucking stupid. I can't with it anymore. Is it worth fixing at this point? Maybe it's time to lay down and give everything a rest. I technically did the one thing I wanted in life already. Could I die without regrets? Why can't I be motivated to do the things I like?
Why the fuck do I still have to be nuts? It feels like everything happened yesterday, and it's coming up on a YEAR. Should I just burn everything to the ground? Burn all the bridges and end it? Nobody would care anyway, and it would help me end myself easier if nobody would miss me. She was okay with me killing myself. She told me as long as it wasn't around her, it would be okay. Maybe she was right.
