In a recent series of events, I've been on something of a strange unforeseen vision quest that wasn't necessarily initiated intentionally, and thusly came unsuspectedly as it continued to lead me from one horizon to the next. about a week and a half ago, I made a dramatic change in my habits as a necessity for the sake of my physical health let alone my financial well-being. While I don't feel it's necessary to clarify what the exact habitual change was, it's more than reasonable to say that most folks who have addictive tendencies would understand perfectly the bane certain vices present on an individual.. and to recover from such substance addictions (no matter the severity, from heroin to tobacco) can prove to be some of the most difficult tasks one could ever overcome. As a reflex of these changes, an individual must undergo a form of physical withdrawals; for some substances, the effects of withdrawal could be unquestionably worse to the physical body and psyche than others depending on both the substance and the individual's conviction to it. In this case for me, I'll simply say, I've known the effects of heroin withdrawals firsthand, and while I haven't indulged in that particular vice in several years, this one was culpable in comparison. Its understood in some circumstances that the weight of physical and mental depravities from distractions of vice can provide certain visions or revelations, hence is the principal of the traditional vision quest, where one deprives themselves from food, water, and physical distractions and enters a social isolation for a certain number of days with the intention to bring forth a spiritual vision. I once participated in such a tradition (in the intentional capacity) about four or five years ago after my first taste of new-found sobriety. I had my vision, my spiritual guide appeared to me, and I plotted the fashion to live my life as that vision presented. But there were still mysteries to be learned. A person is not made perfect by a revelation, and all too often, individuals may find themselves "riding the pink cloud" as we in early recovery called it.. which clarified, describes a tendency for those who are freshly sobered to life as "full of themselves"; One who rides the pink cloud is only freshly recovered and feels a sense of euphoria from the fact they have overcome a great life challenge that they may not have thought possible. Its a form of Survivors guilt. I have rode the pink cloud before.. I understand perfectly what this feeling is like. So now when I consider the position I'm in now, being recently recovered from yet another symptom of a deep psychological flaw of mine (addiction with a new face), I'm torn between understanding what parts are real revelations of understanding my reality, and which parts are simply my endorphins hitting new parts of my brain chemistry and my sub-conscious mind making explanations for it where my conscious mind cannot explain.

In truth, I find a deep comfort with making these spiritual connections to it all; I've never in my life been the explicitly spiritual type that can easily form the explanations around that of the super-natural, or at the very least, unexplainable quantum phenomenon. That's not to say that I dont believe in this at all, but there is always an equal side of skepticism in my psyche. At my worst points in life, this side was so overwhelming, It made me a nihilist and profound cynic. But as I've moved past the cynicism and sheer nihilism, I've discovered as I gained maturity that the most honest understanding of reality lies between the two.. belief in the unexplainable, and blunt skepticism. In any case, as a result of this recent form of vision questing, I've had kind of a spiritual awakening. The skeptic side of my psyche continues to tell me, "that's the pink cloud talking, bud" but the more open-minded side is telling me "see what you see and let it be". It seems following the latter voice has been more beneficial in essence. The ability to discern coincidence with super-natural intervention becomes quite difficult to understand if you hold less bearing on either as these things happen, because as the latter voice says, "see what you see and let it be", the implication here is that you're already leaving your luck (I resent the notion of "fate") to the unknown, knowing what is to happen will happen, and that's that. The part that makes it a spiritual behavior is if one believes that the actions to happen are a result of something one has previously done, (essentially similar idea to karma). A skeptic only sees coincidence, good or bad. So where am I here, where am I in the Now?

Well understanding this premise, you probably understand where my conscious explorations have lead me. At best, I'm at my most spiritualistic... and this has been beneficial for me so far. But always lingers a cynical purview of it... a part of my subconscious that will never leave me, and will either ever be the pinnacle of my psychological downfall, or my perfect moment of clarity. The mind can be such a cunt sometimes.