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Life Update and the Future of my Content
3 years ago
General
Trigger Warnings for the sensitive kiddos: Near Death Experience, strong Language, Substance Abuse, "White Male Entitlement"
Basicly, ive been down bad since weeks now and since last Tuesday, it hit the peak when i had a Near Death Experience by having an Epileptic Seizure while swimming in a lake. If there werent any other Civils cooling off on that day, i wouldve been just a rotting corpse at the bottom of the lake by now. Ever since, this really fucked me up mentally, made me realize that, if i truly drowned there, how long will it take until people start to even think about worrying about me. Not just IRL Friends and Family, but also people online, seeing how im jsut some irrelevant nobody, clinging onto any engagement and validation i can get, 99% of it being mere Fave Numbers in my analytics, seeing how no one gives a single fuck about what i have to say and only are here for kink art. Yes, im going down the Route of sounding like an entitled fuck but ey, thats the beauty of it all when no one gives a fuck about you and only at most 2 people will actually read through this wall of text c: .
Which brings me to my next point that has been fuckign me mentally since months now... A sincere feeling of loneliness. Be it friends who never text back yet scold me when i rarely text them. Same with my Online Presence as a COntent Creator, be it as a Streamer and as an Artist. Streamingwise, i always and ALWAYS try my hardest to be entertaining and to form a community, yet all there is, is just a list of names on a now deleted Discord Server. I ask for people who would want to play alogn on modded Minecraft servers, get like 5-6 People saying yes but once i pay the 60 bucks to host a Server for 3 Months with decent Hardware, not a single goddamn fuck shows up, making me waste my money, my time and my effort for nothing. And dont even get me started on when i ask what content they would like to watch... I ask via creating a Reaction Based Poll where i can fucking see who votes yet when it comes to actual streamtime, not a single dickhead shows up which always makes me ask myself the same question... Why the fuck do you even vote on something youll never bother to watch to begin with.
When it comes to Art, nothing examplifies this behaviour more, than when i held the Raffle Giveaway. Suddenly everyone was on board, hell even had to decline some people as the five slots were filled quite fast. But once the free shit stopped after the Raffle, suddenly i can only pray for the miracle of a single goddamn fucking comment, suddenly no one gives a shit. (hell, even had that one fag who was here quite some time but once his Raffle Art was finished, he left the server, unfollowed me everywhere and even unfaved his own Art, probably so it wouldnt show up in his fave gallery. And seeing how hes not interested in anything at all, not even answering as to why, i can comfortably say... big middle finger of a fuck you too, Kivasend c:)
And thats not even all of the misery that is loneliness... Recently IRL, i found my first true love ever since my very first crush i had when i was 17 (was AroAce up until that point). Initially she friendzoned me which really isnt a big deal, we are still close friends, hang out a ton etc. and just like me, she also never had a relationship before. Just yesterday tho, she hit me with the "hey, i got a crush on this guy, what should i do?!" which at first isnt a big deal, after all having a crush on someoen also means you want the best for them which i did by giving her an open ear and some advice. But after it ate away at my brain, i start to see how literally everyone around me who i care for is having ups and ups within their lives, meanwhile im the one who keeps being elft behind, only to smile at the fortunes of others, feeling genuienly happy for them.
Oooon to the next topic tho... SOmething i have to stop lying to myself about, is my addictions... Ive been smoking CBD Joints since about 4 Months now. It started with at max one a day but as my mental shit built up, i am now at minimum 3 a day. Before all this, i was the perfect clean guy, never smoked Cigs, never drank Alcohol, never had Drugs (tho apart from the CBD which is legal here in CH, all of these still apply noawadays), and i can say "ill never take stronger stuff so no worries" all day, at the end, thats exactly what i said just a year ago about even harmless drugs. Hell, it even got to a point, where my weekends go exactly like this: Wake Up, watch Videos, smoke a Joint, watch more Vids, get tired from the Joint, sleep throughout half the day, eat dinner, watch more vids, occasionally draw one or two strokes, go back to sleep cause its midnight again.
And once again, all because i just dont see any reason nro have the motivation to do anything exciting cause either no one gives a flying fuck about me, or its me risking my epilepsy by going outside during these harsh sunlights
Just as a heads up, if you actually read up until this point... Thank you. Ive been putting all my bottled up emotions, frustration and anger that ive swallowed down over the many recent months into this text so it really means alot to me that you care enough to read all this. On your next Commission, mention that you read this and youll get a -50% Discount as a token of my appreciation.
But anyway, about the part that maybe some people will give a shit about, that being, the future of my Content:
Twitch and Picarto are dead for good. I have no drive, motivation and reason to ever go back and put any effort into these sites just so i can get at maximum 5 Chat Messages over the span of 3 Hours. No way in hell am i wasting my time like this ever again. Maybe ill come back to Twitch, but dont put your nonexistent hopes up.
As for Art, im also gonna draw a hard line right there! Im so fucking done trying to please people by drawing Vore Stuff of the Chars they like the most. Hell, even Vore in general, i really lost the will to pursue it any further as i have no fun with it anymore, given how utterly dead the engagement is. Might as well keep my Art for myself in my head, not gonna change a single thing.
Even worse tho on Twitter... Drawing Human Stuff has been my comfort zone for quite some time now, having ALOT more fun with them than Vore to a point, where i dont even care that ill get 2 likes at most if any at all.
In short, im gonna draw whatever the fuck i want and whatever the fuck i feel like sharing with the Internet, be it Vore or NonVore stuff
Any RPs where youre the one waiting for my response, kiss that RP goodbye. I might respond to it but literally dont count on it, i really dont feel like forcing out any effort for some basic 0-8-15 RP that is about as original as a Clickbait Reddit TextToSpeech Video.
And saving the best for last, i just want to genuienly thank the following people who were willing to put up with my BS and who i really care for:
AlphaSchakal, Ellvee and extremely special love for those who had my backs basicly anytime i needed a trusting ear to chew on:
Sophia, Vicky, Denise, Tina and Sena. Be sure to give Sena (PlatinaSena on DA and Twitter) special love, what a talented woman and almost 8 years old friend!
And with that, i bid you a lovely Rest of the Day~
- Dirakia
Basicly, ive been down bad since weeks now and since last Tuesday, it hit the peak when i had a Near Death Experience by having an Epileptic Seizure while swimming in a lake. If there werent any other Civils cooling off on that day, i wouldve been just a rotting corpse at the bottom of the lake by now. Ever since, this really fucked me up mentally, made me realize that, if i truly drowned there, how long will it take until people start to even think about worrying about me. Not just IRL Friends and Family, but also people online, seeing how im jsut some irrelevant nobody, clinging onto any engagement and validation i can get, 99% of it being mere Fave Numbers in my analytics, seeing how no one gives a single fuck about what i have to say and only are here for kink art. Yes, im going down the Route of sounding like an entitled fuck but ey, thats the beauty of it all when no one gives a fuck about you and only at most 2 people will actually read through this wall of text c: .
Which brings me to my next point that has been fuckign me mentally since months now... A sincere feeling of loneliness. Be it friends who never text back yet scold me when i rarely text them. Same with my Online Presence as a COntent Creator, be it as a Streamer and as an Artist. Streamingwise, i always and ALWAYS try my hardest to be entertaining and to form a community, yet all there is, is just a list of names on a now deleted Discord Server. I ask for people who would want to play alogn on modded Minecraft servers, get like 5-6 People saying yes but once i pay the 60 bucks to host a Server for 3 Months with decent Hardware, not a single goddamn fuck shows up, making me waste my money, my time and my effort for nothing. And dont even get me started on when i ask what content they would like to watch... I ask via creating a Reaction Based Poll where i can fucking see who votes yet when it comes to actual streamtime, not a single dickhead shows up which always makes me ask myself the same question... Why the fuck do you even vote on something youll never bother to watch to begin with.
When it comes to Art, nothing examplifies this behaviour more, than when i held the Raffle Giveaway. Suddenly everyone was on board, hell even had to decline some people as the five slots were filled quite fast. But once the free shit stopped after the Raffle, suddenly i can only pray for the miracle of a single goddamn fucking comment, suddenly no one gives a shit. (hell, even had that one fag who was here quite some time but once his Raffle Art was finished, he left the server, unfollowed me everywhere and even unfaved his own Art, probably so it wouldnt show up in his fave gallery. And seeing how hes not interested in anything at all, not even answering as to why, i can comfortably say... big middle finger of a fuck you too, Kivasend c:)
And thats not even all of the misery that is loneliness... Recently IRL, i found my first true love ever since my very first crush i had when i was 17 (was AroAce up until that point). Initially she friendzoned me which really isnt a big deal, we are still close friends, hang out a ton etc. and just like me, she also never had a relationship before. Just yesterday tho, she hit me with the "hey, i got a crush on this guy, what should i do?!" which at first isnt a big deal, after all having a crush on someoen also means you want the best for them which i did by giving her an open ear and some advice. But after it ate away at my brain, i start to see how literally everyone around me who i care for is having ups and ups within their lives, meanwhile im the one who keeps being elft behind, only to smile at the fortunes of others, feeling genuienly happy for them.
Oooon to the next topic tho... SOmething i have to stop lying to myself about, is my addictions... Ive been smoking CBD Joints since about 4 Months now. It started with at max one a day but as my mental shit built up, i am now at minimum 3 a day. Before all this, i was the perfect clean guy, never smoked Cigs, never drank Alcohol, never had Drugs (tho apart from the CBD which is legal here in CH, all of these still apply noawadays), and i can say "ill never take stronger stuff so no worries" all day, at the end, thats exactly what i said just a year ago about even harmless drugs. Hell, it even got to a point, where my weekends go exactly like this: Wake Up, watch Videos, smoke a Joint, watch more Vids, get tired from the Joint, sleep throughout half the day, eat dinner, watch more vids, occasionally draw one or two strokes, go back to sleep cause its midnight again.
And once again, all because i just dont see any reason nro have the motivation to do anything exciting cause either no one gives a flying fuck about me, or its me risking my epilepsy by going outside during these harsh sunlights
Just as a heads up, if you actually read up until this point... Thank you. Ive been putting all my bottled up emotions, frustration and anger that ive swallowed down over the many recent months into this text so it really means alot to me that you care enough to read all this. On your next Commission, mention that you read this and youll get a -50% Discount as a token of my appreciation.
But anyway, about the part that maybe some people will give a shit about, that being, the future of my Content:
Twitch and Picarto are dead for good. I have no drive, motivation and reason to ever go back and put any effort into these sites just so i can get at maximum 5 Chat Messages over the span of 3 Hours. No way in hell am i wasting my time like this ever again. Maybe ill come back to Twitch, but dont put your nonexistent hopes up.
As for Art, im also gonna draw a hard line right there! Im so fucking done trying to please people by drawing Vore Stuff of the Chars they like the most. Hell, even Vore in general, i really lost the will to pursue it any further as i have no fun with it anymore, given how utterly dead the engagement is. Might as well keep my Art for myself in my head, not gonna change a single thing.
Even worse tho on Twitter... Drawing Human Stuff has been my comfort zone for quite some time now, having ALOT more fun with them than Vore to a point, where i dont even care that ill get 2 likes at most if any at all.
In short, im gonna draw whatever the fuck i want and whatever the fuck i feel like sharing with the Internet, be it Vore or NonVore stuff
Any RPs where youre the one waiting for my response, kiss that RP goodbye. I might respond to it but literally dont count on it, i really dont feel like forcing out any effort for some basic 0-8-15 RP that is about as original as a Clickbait Reddit TextToSpeech Video.
And saving the best for last, i just want to genuienly thank the following people who were willing to put up with my BS and who i really care for:
AlphaSchakal, Ellvee and extremely special love for those who had my backs basicly anytime i needed a trusting ear to chew on:
Sophia, Vicky, Denise, Tina and Sena. Be sure to give Sena (PlatinaSena on DA and Twitter) special love, what a talented woman and almost 8 years old friend!
And with that, i bid you a lovely Rest of the Day~
- Dirakia
Going forward I think focusing on things that make you happy and sharing those things will help surround you with others who will support you. Regardless of what you do, don't do it for others, try and find your own enjoyment first. Your content is your choice and whatever you decide will be the right step going forward. Trust in yourself and the rest will follow. It won't happen immediately but sometime you'll get where you want to be, can only wish you the best going forwards with things.
Thank you so so much for the kind words <3
and yeah , do what you feel comfortable to do , go for it