FA+
Shop
The Story Thus Far (Past Year Summary)
3 years ago
As you guys know, I've been eating shit when it comes to how I've been treated medically and socially the the people near me in meatspace for years, but this all kind of took a big spike starting last year.
I really hate starting shit out like "oh I'm a black fat disabled girl bluh bluh bluh" because the last thing I want is for people to feel pity for me based on identity or things I can't change at all or because of other factors. Has a lot of the bad shit I've been through been a result of these things? Maybe? It could also just be the poverty, the circumstances of being medically overlooked growing up kind of katamari-ing into itself. I dont really know- But the point is nobody can tell me that I havent been trying my fucking hardest to overcome all the stuff life has thrown my way.
But also - theres only so much I can do on my own.
I moved to Philly to be near my girlfriend and her fiance (now husband *polylife*) back in August 2021. Everything was fine, if not a bit chaotic, I had money left over unemployment I was getting and *had to keep spending* in order to keep my food stamps and medicaid, not to mention because of my SSI case.
If you've known me on Discord during 2020, you'll know I pretty much funneled maybe a quarter of that money into philanthropy, AFTER securing my rent, bills, debts, and refunding customers who had been waiting on me from the 2019 deep depression I had suffered.
As I told a client recently: "It will be a great pleasure to all involved when I can get back on my feet and do the work I owe... unlike many other artists in my position, I really do not intend on taking more on and running. Maybe its to my detriment but i have too much pride and respect for my clients to do that"
I take a long time because of the absolute **shitfuck** of a situation I've been in since pretty much 2015. *7 years* of things I wouldn't have had to go through if my DNA Donors weren't monstrously evil, but more on that later.
So after I settled in in Philly, I was doing the typical move things you do. Ignore the packed boxes, unpack computer first, try to get used to the weirdness, and of course, change address and most importantly! Get connected to doctors.
Now I'm on Medicaid, and have been for maybe a year? Year and a half? Anyway I find a clinic close by and they really take their sweet time with intake and have a 2 physical appearance process.
Christ, even as I type this I'm starting to disassociate a bit from everything thats happened since then but. I'm going to try.
So- I finally see the psychiatrist and. Because the previous psychiatrist had diagnosed me with bipolar disorder (which was wrong, but I didnt know at the time) this psychiatrist said it wasnt this clincis "policy to give stimulants". Despite the fact I had been on Adderall with the previous psychiatrist for 2 years and have been on it many times even before since then.
So anyway, they give me this- drug that doesnt have a generic form yet (always a good sign... /sarcasm. I didnt react well to Vyvanse either but lets move on). And so- they switched me off Adderall cold turkey. I uh. Just- didnt have anything left.
Around this time I also had this throat thing. Tonsilitis? For about two weeks in the end of september, and finally I couldnt take it anymore, went to an urgent care who called the Emergency Room right away, where I stayed overnight. From there I was given antibiotics and while I was taking the antibiotics I started taking this medicine they gave me for the "bipolar"
And I didnt realize it right away but- it gave me horrible, terrible burning hives. I had *never* had an allergy to a medication before, so I didnt make the connection it would have been that until later, and even after I stopped taking it the hives were still dissipating for 2 weeks after and I had wounds on my legs that didnt heal until *last month*
They didnt care or reach out so I cut my losses and tried to contact another clinic.
On Nov 1st 2021, my phone sim card suddenly stopped working. Spent like a month with boost mobile support asking for a new sim card to be shipped and reminding them. when it finally came, it still didnt work.
Dec 21st 2021 Bought a cheap crap phone from Walmart just so I could live my life again, had to change the phone number I had for maybe 10 years because boost requires you to have a "user id" which requires you to go to a physical location, which I couldnt do. So fuck them.
Money was running dry, and didnt know how to pay rent. Applied for philly rent assist.
Man this gets very tough now. so much happens at once.
Philly Rent Assist denies me in march and I spend a month in emails back and forth until finally their own incompetency allowed me to file again on the same form for more money and they finally realized I guess how stubborn I was and finally approved it "contigent on funding" So they owe me like, A little over $2,000 now.
Meanwhile, next clinic I chose is no better. They kept flaking on phone calls because of some weird interaction with the Phone I got in December claiming number no longer in service, but people can still call me and vice versa so- maybe it was office exclusive?
god this. this is getting harder.
From first going to the clinic I think December 17th 2021 ish or something- I didnt see a psychiatrist and get my Adderall available to me until **MARCH 2022** could maybe have been April too but- man I dont wanna look at the discord logs and find out, can you blame me? one of those 2 months.
Thought it was a victory. Also through all this I was basically just, asking for rent assistance from a local place and by the time they came through it was- yeah, just the time that had passed. I hate. everything.
Also, throughout all this time one of the housemates was being a passive agressive - aggressive fuck nut with no regards to anyone around him. Like look. I'm low maitenance. I dont even come out of my room except to use the bathroom because I subsist off a kettle, rice cooker and air fryer. I couldnt care less about dishes. But when I feel the vibrations of music blasting in the main living area in my floor, their guests vomit in the sink and I see it with no warning (when I have struggled with Bulimia in the past SO YEAH--- NOT TO MENTION JUST NASTY ANYWAY??) all sorts of horrible things.
And I told the landlord every time they were crossing the line, which I think I'm pretty patient. And every time, a rebuttal was something about my ESA cat and his litter. (Which- makes no sense because like, It's not the litter box, this area is the type of neighborhood where the "dumpster" is just the edge of the building on the sidewalk dont blame me. )
So also the maintenance of the shower was fucky, there was no hot water for a month, i told the landlord repeatedly. I was feeling super gross one day and was going to go out so I went downstairs to have a hot shower-
im not even looking at the screen right now because basically what happened was just. another addition to the trauma catalogue. Yeah. Called the police, they left doing nothing, and when I left my room for .5 seconds to take out some garbage while waiting for my gf to pick me up he said
"nice try"
then when I called my landlord and told him. stayed at my gf house that night so i could be safe.
Supposedly he texted her that morning about how they were complaining about my cat meowing.
seriously?
um- its getting really hard but im almost done, jeez.
Uh- so psychiatrists kept canceling appointments but represcribing adderall, up until they wanted an inperson appointment. and um. I was feeling okay that day.
except for the fact the week before, I had to deal with a fire alarm end of life in my room for.
37 hours.
and started having seizures at the 3o hour mark? Um. Yeha. And was- confused and, scared and didnt know who i am. I told the landlord like- 2 hours into realizing the fire alarm was going off that it was happening but i guess thats a given.
Since then- emotional trauma, neglect and extreme distress had been setting off petit mal seizures.
Um. When I went to the clinic in person? I was doing fine I thought. Looking forward to things and then.
They cancelled again. While I was there and um. I had spent $20 to get their already for the uber. The prospect of another $20 to get back. For a day of no progress- with no care. no apologies. no. empathy. It kind of. broke me? a bit? maybe.
So, I had enough in me to- ask if they could compensate me somehow because- thats not fair. thats not right. Thats not my fault and - it was consistent and they knew my situation.
While I was waiting in the room um.
I had a seizure.
In public.
I still am- feeling weird thinking about it. Just. My body went limp and. god I dont wanna go into detail I just- I went to the emergency room in an ambulance and they did tests and referrals um, none of which...haha, followed up of course. at all. (i did have a new phone by then so...)
Jeez, keep it together. Fuck. Okay so um. Yeah, literally had a seizure in the clinic from their neglect, and- ha. I called Friday about my adderall prescription and the person was like "Oh you were scheduled to come in Tuesday"
What. You mean the day I passed out on location with dozens of witnesses?
Oh god god its hard to go on like this but- basically yeah just, another month of medication bs something about the adderall was in shortage! wow okay cool, um. and saying they'll call never doing it. I was making complaints and reporting and none of it mattered! And finally i saw a psychiatrist again and they were so mean and snappy on the phone call and after i explained EVERYTHING they were like.
"Oh, i see you have bipolar on your chart. I'm not comfortable giving someone adderall."
Go to hell.
This was someone of the same clinic by the way, that had prescribed me the adderall, that confirmed yeah i dont have bipolar. they didnt bother to put it on the chart, didnt bother to do anything and i just.
Yeah, so thats where we leave off now.
This was hard.
I never wanted it to be this way. I never asked to be abused by my mother, father and stepfather. I never wanted to have to willingly become homeless. I never wanted to move like, 7 times. I never wanted to give my mom another chance. I never asked for my knee to be dislocated by her or- or...
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm not strong- but I'm not weak I'm just...
I'm Beebz.
Thank you for your support. To avoid anyone being sad I want to also say despite my- despondence, I want to say that I am not at risk for suicide. I just- i love too many people, I have too much potential and help to give to want to do that. I want the pain to stop too.
I just want- I just want hope again.
I really hate starting shit out like "oh I'm a black fat disabled girl bluh bluh bluh" because the last thing I want is for people to feel pity for me based on identity or things I can't change at all or because of other factors. Has a lot of the bad shit I've been through been a result of these things? Maybe? It could also just be the poverty, the circumstances of being medically overlooked growing up kind of katamari-ing into itself. I dont really know- But the point is nobody can tell me that I havent been trying my fucking hardest to overcome all the stuff life has thrown my way.
But also - theres only so much I can do on my own.
I moved to Philly to be near my girlfriend and her fiance (now husband *polylife*) back in August 2021. Everything was fine, if not a bit chaotic, I had money left over unemployment I was getting and *had to keep spending* in order to keep my food stamps and medicaid, not to mention because of my SSI case.
If you've known me on Discord during 2020, you'll know I pretty much funneled maybe a quarter of that money into philanthropy, AFTER securing my rent, bills, debts, and refunding customers who had been waiting on me from the 2019 deep depression I had suffered.
As I told a client recently: "It will be a great pleasure to all involved when I can get back on my feet and do the work I owe... unlike many other artists in my position, I really do not intend on taking more on and running. Maybe its to my detriment but i have too much pride and respect for my clients to do that"
I take a long time because of the absolute **shitfuck** of a situation I've been in since pretty much 2015. *7 years* of things I wouldn't have had to go through if my DNA Donors weren't monstrously evil, but more on that later.
So after I settled in in Philly, I was doing the typical move things you do. Ignore the packed boxes, unpack computer first, try to get used to the weirdness, and of course, change address and most importantly! Get connected to doctors.
Now I'm on Medicaid, and have been for maybe a year? Year and a half? Anyway I find a clinic close by and they really take their sweet time with intake and have a 2 physical appearance process.
Christ, even as I type this I'm starting to disassociate a bit from everything thats happened since then but. I'm going to try.
So- I finally see the psychiatrist and. Because the previous psychiatrist had diagnosed me with bipolar disorder (which was wrong, but I didnt know at the time) this psychiatrist said it wasnt this clincis "policy to give stimulants". Despite the fact I had been on Adderall with the previous psychiatrist for 2 years and have been on it many times even before since then.
So anyway, they give me this- drug that doesnt have a generic form yet (always a good sign... /sarcasm. I didnt react well to Vyvanse either but lets move on). And so- they switched me off Adderall cold turkey. I uh. Just- didnt have anything left.
Around this time I also had this throat thing. Tonsilitis? For about two weeks in the end of september, and finally I couldnt take it anymore, went to an urgent care who called the Emergency Room right away, where I stayed overnight. From there I was given antibiotics and while I was taking the antibiotics I started taking this medicine they gave me for the "bipolar"
And I didnt realize it right away but- it gave me horrible, terrible burning hives. I had *never* had an allergy to a medication before, so I didnt make the connection it would have been that until later, and even after I stopped taking it the hives were still dissipating for 2 weeks after and I had wounds on my legs that didnt heal until *last month*
They didnt care or reach out so I cut my losses and tried to contact another clinic.
On Nov 1st 2021, my phone sim card suddenly stopped working. Spent like a month with boost mobile support asking for a new sim card to be shipped and reminding them. when it finally came, it still didnt work.
Dec 21st 2021 Bought a cheap crap phone from Walmart just so I could live my life again, had to change the phone number I had for maybe 10 years because boost requires you to have a "user id" which requires you to go to a physical location, which I couldnt do. So fuck them.
Money was running dry, and didnt know how to pay rent. Applied for philly rent assist.
Man this gets very tough now. so much happens at once.
Philly Rent Assist denies me in march and I spend a month in emails back and forth until finally their own incompetency allowed me to file again on the same form for more money and they finally realized I guess how stubborn I was and finally approved it "contigent on funding" So they owe me like, A little over $2,000 now.
Meanwhile, next clinic I chose is no better. They kept flaking on phone calls because of some weird interaction with the Phone I got in December claiming number no longer in service, but people can still call me and vice versa so- maybe it was office exclusive?
god this. this is getting harder.
From first going to the clinic I think December 17th 2021 ish or something- I didnt see a psychiatrist and get my Adderall available to me until **MARCH 2022** could maybe have been April too but- man I dont wanna look at the discord logs and find out, can you blame me? one of those 2 months.
Thought it was a victory. Also through all this I was basically just, asking for rent assistance from a local place and by the time they came through it was- yeah, just the time that had passed. I hate. everything.
Also, throughout all this time one of the housemates was being a passive agressive - aggressive fuck nut with no regards to anyone around him. Like look. I'm low maitenance. I dont even come out of my room except to use the bathroom because I subsist off a kettle, rice cooker and air fryer. I couldnt care less about dishes. But when I feel the vibrations of music blasting in the main living area in my floor, their guests vomit in the sink and I see it with no warning (when I have struggled with Bulimia in the past SO YEAH--- NOT TO MENTION JUST NASTY ANYWAY??) all sorts of horrible things.
And I told the landlord every time they were crossing the line, which I think I'm pretty patient. And every time, a rebuttal was something about my ESA cat and his litter. (Which- makes no sense because like, It's not the litter box, this area is the type of neighborhood where the "dumpster" is just the edge of the building on the sidewalk dont blame me. )
So also the maintenance of the shower was fucky, there was no hot water for a month, i told the landlord repeatedly. I was feeling super gross one day and was going to go out so I went downstairs to have a hot shower-
im not even looking at the screen right now because basically what happened was just. another addition to the trauma catalogue. Yeah. Called the police, they left doing nothing, and when I left my room for .5 seconds to take out some garbage while waiting for my gf to pick me up he said
"nice try"
then when I called my landlord and told him. stayed at my gf house that night so i could be safe.
Supposedly he texted her that morning about how they were complaining about my cat meowing.
seriously?
um- its getting really hard but im almost done, jeez.
Uh- so psychiatrists kept canceling appointments but represcribing adderall, up until they wanted an inperson appointment. and um. I was feeling okay that day.
except for the fact the week before, I had to deal with a fire alarm end of life in my room for.
37 hours.
and started having seizures at the 3o hour mark? Um. Yeha. And was- confused and, scared and didnt know who i am. I told the landlord like- 2 hours into realizing the fire alarm was going off that it was happening but i guess thats a given.
Since then- emotional trauma, neglect and extreme distress had been setting off petit mal seizures.
Um. When I went to the clinic in person? I was doing fine I thought. Looking forward to things and then.
They cancelled again. While I was there and um. I had spent $20 to get their already for the uber. The prospect of another $20 to get back. For a day of no progress- with no care. no apologies. no. empathy. It kind of. broke me? a bit? maybe.
So, I had enough in me to- ask if they could compensate me somehow because- thats not fair. thats not right. Thats not my fault and - it was consistent and they knew my situation.
While I was waiting in the room um.
I had a seizure.
In public.
I still am- feeling weird thinking about it. Just. My body went limp and. god I dont wanna go into detail I just- I went to the emergency room in an ambulance and they did tests and referrals um, none of which...haha, followed up of course. at all. (i did have a new phone by then so...)
Jeez, keep it together. Fuck. Okay so um. Yeah, literally had a seizure in the clinic from their neglect, and- ha. I called Friday about my adderall prescription and the person was like "Oh you were scheduled to come in Tuesday"
What. You mean the day I passed out on location with dozens of witnesses?
Oh god god its hard to go on like this but- basically yeah just, another month of medication bs something about the adderall was in shortage! wow okay cool, um. and saying they'll call never doing it. I was making complaints and reporting and none of it mattered! And finally i saw a psychiatrist again and they were so mean and snappy on the phone call and after i explained EVERYTHING they were like.
"Oh, i see you have bipolar on your chart. I'm not comfortable giving someone adderall."
Go to hell.
This was someone of the same clinic by the way, that had prescribed me the adderall, that confirmed yeah i dont have bipolar. they didnt bother to put it on the chart, didnt bother to do anything and i just.
Yeah, so thats where we leave off now.
This was hard.
I never wanted it to be this way. I never asked to be abused by my mother, father and stepfather. I never wanted to have to willingly become homeless. I never wanted to move like, 7 times. I never wanted to give my mom another chance. I never asked for my knee to be dislocated by her or- or...
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm not strong- but I'm not weak I'm just...
I'm Beebz.
Thank you for your support. To avoid anyone being sad I want to also say despite my- despondence, I want to say that I am not at risk for suicide. I just- i love too many people, I have too much potential and help to give to want to do that. I want the pain to stop too.
I just want- I just want hope again.
The end of life of a firealarm means 5 piercing beeps every 60 seconds. In my case it was ignoring the alarm cancelled button and was splitting my head open for hours.