oof... tough situation, sharing moral support for whatever that's worth over the internet

That's a tough situation. Sucks that the rest of the family won't offer any help :-/ wish you, your brother and your mother best of luck.

I understand completely. My mother and I were in the same situation with taking care of her mother. The dementia gave way to Alzheimer's, but we didn't stick her in a nursing home. It was better for her to live her final months surrounded by family rather than in some place she didn't recognize, even as she was slowly forgetting our names and faces as well as her own life. It wasn't easy, but it was for the best. I wish you the same strength and patience, Kaa.

Kaa and his brother didn't do this for an easy life, you know. This was a very difficult decision after years of agonising. The simple fact is that she is now at the stage she needs 24-hour care...something that one person simply can't provide by themselves. At least now she'll be near trained professionals who are there night and day if she needs anything...plus she isn't far away so can still be visited by family.

I think you've misunderstood my post. I didn't suggest it was to have an easy life. It was the same with my grandmother. She needed constant supervision once the dementia started overtaking her rationality, but we took it upon ourselves to handle it.

We had considered a nursing home at first because she couldn't be left by herself due to her constantly wandering around on her own, but there were a number of factors involved. My mother and I both work, the cost was expensive, and since this all happened during the worst time of the pandemic, we found out from some of our neighbors that we would not be able to visit her easily (if at all) due to some new "limited visitation" policy that had just been implemented. Instead, we hired an in-home care assistant to help her with meals and going to the bathroom, had a doctor make regular visits to check on her, and converted the living room of our apartment into what was essentially a mini hospital room so that she could be as comfortable as possible in her own home. Needless to say, it was a trial for both of us since she would have random outbursts while when we came back from work, refused to take her medication regularly, repeatedly threatened to kill herself by throwing herself off the balcony, and kept having random crying fits for no reason through the night. It's not easy watching a family member slowly deteriorate until their final breath, but we chose to handle it this way despite the stress we endured.

Dementia is just the worst. A disease that slowly robs us of our loved ones, and of ourselves if we have it, taking us before we die.

One of the greatest fears in life is to lose your memories.
Because you are losing everything that defines you, including your own identity, while you are still alive.

I grew up with a Grandmother who suffered from Dementia-- this was brought on by Syphilis she had contracted at a young age from a horrific incident.

I cared for her for most of my young and adult life: feeding, bathing, everything else. The hardest part was when she was finally taken into a nursing home and just-- forgot us. She would talk about me or my mom, but if she ever looked at either of us, she was talking to someone from a distant memory and became a ghost. Up until then, I was almost always out of work and stayed home as her nurse: my Granny was Incontinent, so I could never be at work for more than 4 hours before coming home to clean and dress her. She finally passed-- I am grateful she can finally be at peace, and happy.

I wish you the best, Kaa and Hamakei, in all of this struggle!

It's never easy. I hope everything goes as best it can!

My grandmother was in a similar situation. It's really hard to see people you know and love act so different and being tasked with having to help them in a way that makes you feel like you're forcing them to do something that they don't want to do. Neither your nor your brother did anything wrong and I sincerely hope neither of you beat yourselves up over making a painful choice like that. All I can really say is I hope for the best for you all.

Love and strength. Life pushes situations like these on all of us.

Hope you're all handling it well -- transitioning to a nursing home gave me mixed feelings. It was crucially important for my grandmother who was in no condition to take care of herself -- but it's also sad realizing I've had your last home-cooked thanksgiving dinner, my last big christmas with 15-20 of your relatives crammed into one house.

My grandma was the lynchpin that held our family together for holidays and after she got moved into a nursing home it's more like "Why don't the four of us come visit you on Thursday" "Let's all go to a buffet together" "Sorry we can't make it this Christmas, but we'll definitely come by for your birthday."

Hopefully it's not offensive to compare my experiences to yours since it's your mother which is of course a much stronger connection. But, I hope you're doing well and that you can feel assured that you selflessly made the best choice for your mom.