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My Troubled Past
3 years ago
For most of my life, I’ve been in schooling in one form or another. In 2019, after roughly 10 years, I dropped out of college. A large amount of stress had been accumulating for many years, and I came to the conclusion that for my own good I had to stop. A weight was partially lifted from my shoulders, (I say partially because my mother and grandmother continue to bug about when I’m going to finish my degree and finally graduate.) Oh lord, I can’t begin to describe how much I wanted just that, to graduate and finally earn my degree! For many of the years beforehand, that had been my main and arguably only drive to keep going. I felt like if I could just get my degree, then everything would be smooth sailing.
As far back as I can remember, I’ve always found the concept of being graded to be incredibly stressful! The thought of failing haunted my every waking moment. My parents never harshly punished me for failing, but still, despite all evidence to the contrary, I felt like if I did fail, I would be letting them and so many others down. This has been a hellish path that I’ve walked for many years now.
When I first started college, I was initially an art major. Throughout this time, I was constantly warned that art is a very competitive field, and that making a living at it is going to be very difficult. Still, I kept at it for a few years, and while I never did really bad, by no means did I ever really feel like I was excelling, and so, convinced that my chances of finding good work in this field were slim to none, I switched my major over to geology, (the study of the earth.) My reason, as a kid I was always a lover of prehistoric life and paleontology, (the study of prehistoric life,) was a subset of geology. For the first year or so everything went fine, the classes were fairly basic and simple, however as time went buy the classes got harder and harder, and I soon came to find that paleontology was not a huge part of the overall degree plan. I’m afraid to say, that outside of paleontology, geology was not the most exciting thing for me, and as time went by, I found it difficult to focus and maintain an interest. Still, I forced my way through, as I felt that once I successfully got a degree, I could get a job, and devote the rest of my free time to my actual interests. If only life was so kind.
The problem with not having an interest in the subject matter that you’re currently studying, is that it’s often very hard focus and retain key information. The classes also had a tendency to build upon one another, and when you don’t remember a whole lot from your previous classes, it can make things very difficult. I began to struggle with almost every assignment, constantly, I would go up to the professors and teacher assistants for help, and while I often got it, (not always,) I would also receive a heaping pile of grief in the form of, “you should know this stuff already!” Still, I was determined to see this through and pass each course, one way or another, I had to get that degree!
My grades began to decline, and I often found myself dangerously close to falling into the pit of failure, I was hanging in by a thread. What’s worse, as the subject matter got harder, more of my fellow students started going to the TAs (teacher assistants,) for help, and I would find it difficult to get the help I needed. It was around this time, that things took a turn for the worse.
All that stress that I had lived with years finally began to take it’s toll, and my health took a major drop. I started having constant episodes of vertigo, I would feel dizzy and struggled to even stand up, (to this day I still have balance issues and can relapse into vertigo if a situation gets too stressful.) Even with this, I tried to keep going, and managed to push through a few more classes, I was often given much extended time due to my health issues and a very kind professor, (during said extension I began to notice that my health issues wouldn’t really surface as much, except when I started trying to do college work.) With ‘supposedly’ just one class left before graduation, I felt that I might be able to just make it. That didn’t happen. I had a major relapse almost immediately upon starting the course, and continued to receive crap from the professor due to the fact that I didn’t understand the material. Thus, I was force to end my college career with only one class away from graduation.
Since, I’ve stopped, things have progressively gotten better and ironically, to my surprise, I actually managed to find an area of art that really suits me. Still, I find it heartbreaking that I was unable to find the love and support I needed at the time. However, I wish to end on a happy note, and say that in the years following, ever since I discovered and became part of the baby fur community, I have, in many ways, never been happier! ^^
As far back as I can remember, I’ve always found the concept of being graded to be incredibly stressful! The thought of failing haunted my every waking moment. My parents never harshly punished me for failing, but still, despite all evidence to the contrary, I felt like if I did fail, I would be letting them and so many others down. This has been a hellish path that I’ve walked for many years now.
When I first started college, I was initially an art major. Throughout this time, I was constantly warned that art is a very competitive field, and that making a living at it is going to be very difficult. Still, I kept at it for a few years, and while I never did really bad, by no means did I ever really feel like I was excelling, and so, convinced that my chances of finding good work in this field were slim to none, I switched my major over to geology, (the study of the earth.) My reason, as a kid I was always a lover of prehistoric life and paleontology, (the study of prehistoric life,) was a subset of geology. For the first year or so everything went fine, the classes were fairly basic and simple, however as time went buy the classes got harder and harder, and I soon came to find that paleontology was not a huge part of the overall degree plan. I’m afraid to say, that outside of paleontology, geology was not the most exciting thing for me, and as time went by, I found it difficult to focus and maintain an interest. Still, I forced my way through, as I felt that once I successfully got a degree, I could get a job, and devote the rest of my free time to my actual interests. If only life was so kind.
The problem with not having an interest in the subject matter that you’re currently studying, is that it’s often very hard focus and retain key information. The classes also had a tendency to build upon one another, and when you don’t remember a whole lot from your previous classes, it can make things very difficult. I began to struggle with almost every assignment, constantly, I would go up to the professors and teacher assistants for help, and while I often got it, (not always,) I would also receive a heaping pile of grief in the form of, “you should know this stuff already!” Still, I was determined to see this through and pass each course, one way or another, I had to get that degree!
My grades began to decline, and I often found myself dangerously close to falling into the pit of failure, I was hanging in by a thread. What’s worse, as the subject matter got harder, more of my fellow students started going to the TAs (teacher assistants,) for help, and I would find it difficult to get the help I needed. It was around this time, that things took a turn for the worse.
All that stress that I had lived with years finally began to take it’s toll, and my health took a major drop. I started having constant episodes of vertigo, I would feel dizzy and struggled to even stand up, (to this day I still have balance issues and can relapse into vertigo if a situation gets too stressful.) Even with this, I tried to keep going, and managed to push through a few more classes, I was often given much extended time due to my health issues and a very kind professor, (during said extension I began to notice that my health issues wouldn’t really surface as much, except when I started trying to do college work.) With ‘supposedly’ just one class left before graduation, I felt that I might be able to just make it. That didn’t happen. I had a major relapse almost immediately upon starting the course, and continued to receive crap from the professor due to the fact that I didn’t understand the material. Thus, I was force to end my college career with only one class away from graduation.
Since, I’ve stopped, things have progressively gotten better and ironically, to my surprise, I actually managed to find an area of art that really suits me. Still, I find it heartbreaking that I was unable to find the love and support I needed at the time. However, I wish to end on a happy note, and say that in the years following, ever since I discovered and became part of the baby fur community, I have, in many ways, never been happier! ^^
