Heya everyone. I'm sorry if I haven't been posting as much as I should be or doing much on FA and there's a few reasons for that. One being that I never really get the time to do so, the other is that I'm a bit self conscious about my sketches and just think they suck, another is because of something to do with someone, but the main one for me somewhat has to do with my mental health. I know I've made some journals in the past about this, but now... it's hitting hard and I feel completely isolated when dealing with it nowadays. For a while now, I've suffered from depression, anxiety, loneliness, and autophobia (A fear of being isolated and alone.) and it's been a uphill battle that's been getting steeper every time it comes up. I've been dealing with my loneliness for a long time now, having started after constant moving with my family with us moving every six months or so due to circumstances and me being forced to say goodbye to my friends. It's... it's happened so often that it got to the point of me just afraid to connect to others just to lose them all over again. For the past 10 years, it's been like that for me, and as to why I didn't keep contact with them, I didn't have much as I didn't get a functional phone till I was 18 and the only computer we had was a iMac that died in April of 2017. That and the internet around those parts was shit, with one company even going as far as to limiting us to 100 GB of data before throttling us. Then comes the fact that me and my family are at odds with each other. Don't get the wrong idea, they aren't abusive but that doesn't mean that we're on good relations. Me and my dad for the most part haven't been on the best terms. While he's still married to my mom, he hasn't always been there for me as a supportive figure somewhat. It has changed a bit more in recent years but we're still on separate ground. As for me and my siblings, I'm good with my only younger brother but my sisters are a another story entirely. For reference, I'm the oldest in my family but despite that and me having mild autism, it didn't stop my sisters from destroying my confidence and whatever self esteem I had left. Some of them dislike me and see me as a lazy asshole, the other ones see me as a ticking timebomb due to my arguments with my second oldest sister. Adding onto that is the fact that I never had anyone in my family to play games with. I'd get a fancy game or something that needs more players. Being a loner, I usually went to my siblings or parents but they never had the time for it... and it's been like that, even now. Despite being 22 years old and having some people I could rely on, there's times where I've been alone and wishing for a friend to talk to. To just get all the negativity built within me out. I mean I do have a few friends like that but... I fear that I might either accidentally drive them away or make it constant which is something I don't wish to do. And... it doesn't help that the one person I loved, a fellow I met a year ago now and had feelings for, went with someone else. Nothing against him, it was my fault in the end as I waited too long and wound up accidentally ruining it... but I still feel the pain from the night he told me that he went someone else... I remember that night with a disturbing accuracy and... it's one that I hate to remember... I remember my initial happiness as I entered the instance he was in as I was having a fun night... I remember the dread rising as he began to talk... and I remember the sorrow we both had as he told me... He did it with a very heavy heart and it's something that caused him to break down crying... It was the last thing he ever wanted to do to me, if not, never wanted to do as we cared deeply about each other somewhat. Though after that... I didn't get much sleep if any at all as my depression and broken heart just kept me up. Hell, even now, after compartmentalizing those feelings for him, I still have those feelings and a part of me just wishes that in the future, I hopefully get another chance with him... but for now, I need to try and fix myself. I was thinking of doing therapy to try and confront this along with the other trauma and demons I have stuck within me as well. I've been meaning to do so for a while now and I'll try to do my best to fix my mental state and to get past the pain and misery that's haunted me for the last few years. Yeah, this may have been a lot but I needed to vent and am feeling a bit better now because of it. I'll do my best to avoid doing this often if at all again in the future, and I do mean it when I say I'm going to get help for this. Depression is something that affects everyone and isn't some joke. I may not seem like it but... I had times where I was actually thinking of a world without me... but in the end, I managed to get past it. But... I know there's people who never got to make it. Bendor being one of them... he was a good guy who the world lost too soon. And it's something I don't want to see happen to others. I act as a emotional support person for my friends and have seen how depression can reduce someone to those horrible thoughts and just pray for those who suffer from depression. No one deserves to go through this, and I'd never wish it upon anyone.

(I'm sorry if I seemed pessimistic with this journal entry, I just needed to vent and now feel a bit better somewhat. But I mean it when I said depression can destroy someone mentally. If you suffer from depression, my heart goes out to you guys, gals, and non-binary pals along with everyone who's been there at some point in their lives. Just know your not alone and that there's someone out there willing to help you. I hope things are bound to get better as time goes on. I hope you're all having a good day and if not, that it gets so, so much better for you all.)