I've been chewing on this thought for a while. Those who have been around before I went silent on here years ago know that I just wanted to take a large step away from the fandom for various reasons, namely bad relationships and other negative effects. As such, I haven't really looked much into things for a good bit. I tried just simply working on focusing on myself. I realized quickly that I prefer helping others to make myself feel better and didn't really do much for myself alone. Getting and losing a few relationships along the way causes you to just sit back and start wondering why you can't be happy for you just being. Then I realized something. I wasn't happy because I wasn't being me. I was just being what others always wanted. Trying to 'better' myself wasn't really for me. It was for those that wanted me to do so. Change this, do that. It's not that I was unhappy in doing so, I was more focused on them. It's just that I didn't get that sense of fulfillment that someone normally would for changing things because they wanted to in the first place.

This is already really wordy and I'm sorry. I just don't have anywhere else to post this because it doesn't fit anywhere else. For the last few months I've kept wondering why I go into a routine that did little to lift my mood. I tried various things, of course. Talking to others was the closest thing to keep my mind from wandering too far. I didn't have the time for trips or the motivation. Spending money only gave small bursts of that supposed upbeat feeling. Short lived, clearly. My writing even slowed down to a stop and to a point where I just haven't wanted to even take physical notes. Suffice to say, I was in a slump.

Only recently have I found somewhat of a muse again and began to take notes and look inward and outward for myself. I still want to help others and all but I know that there are times I just need to focus on me and only me, as selfish as it sounds. I hadn't done so in a long while. I wasn't even being myself. It's why I'm here. I think I realized that I rather be around mostly like minded others and express myself in ways I feel or at least just feel comfortable in what provided that comfort instead of worried of what others thought. It's nothing grand in statement but it means a lot to me, I guess. Venting. That's a thing everyone needs to do from time to time and I figure this must be that or at least some form of acceptance. It's a rough world out there and everyone just strives to at least get by. You can't blame them. Having a form of solace is essentially required.

I want to be back. I want to be part of the fandom again, I guess. This journal isn't really meant for anyone in particular but just myself. Writing things out helps. Whether I take a giant leap back into it or some cautious steps is uncertain but I'm lingering on a hopefully nice pace. Depression still exists but I want to break free of it as much as possible. I deeply apologize for having such a long winded statement that could be boiled down to merely a sentence or two, yet I feel it wouldn't have had the same impact. I wouldn't feel satisfied until I just put it all out there to a degree.

For the few of you that may happen to stumble across this, thank you for reading. I don't really know what else to say about that other than it means a lot to have my voice heard, even if just one soul gives it a glance. I don't have a lot of information about here like interests and so on, but I'm not even sure where to begin either. I guess I could let anyone in the replies ask some things if they desire. Also considering making a new fursona. I don't know of what yet. I just know I want one created as a signature. A staple. Something to feel as though I'm not stuck in a terrible routine. I guess suggestions would be welcome? I wouldn't mind getting to know more of you out there too. Sorry to ramble on. I don't ever mean to yet here I am still trying to find my voice for just one thing to say. I'm back. I should leave it here though. Thank you for reading/listening to me. I'll frequently check and reply if there are any and such. If not, no harm. I think this is a better way to heal some scars. Take care out there.