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Personal Welfare Journal - Part 2 / 2
3 years ago
hOI!
OVERVIEW:
With the biggest and longest running issue that has made me more distant due to ongoing battles with anxiety and depression covered in the previous post, I now will set the record straight for everyone to whom has found themselves stuck within the proverbial ‘Rumor Mill’ and ‘Drama Club’ in regard to me, myself, and I.
---
SOCIALLY AWKWARD / ODD DUCK:
Anyone who knows me certainly is more than aware that I have the personality of a ‘Human Cartoon’. I also associate myself with birds, most notably ducks, for how ‘verbal’ and ‘loud’ they can be.
Ducks and cartoons mentioned, I now move on to better explain my ‘Derpy’, yet determined, personality. The purpose here is to share that I am fully aware that I come off as a #1 Hyperactive Knuckleheaded Ninja. Anyone who may get this ‘Naruto’ reference should also know just how the protagonist of this long-running Anime has an approach for life that comes off very aloof, but he is always true to himself and what he believes in…
…I cannot say the same for myself for a large portion of my life. I seldom felt confident in the real me and did all I could to adapt myself in order to fit in. I did not choose to be born with a degenerative eye disorder, I did not choose to grow up in a backwater town that felt I belonged in Special Ed without even giving me a chance to fit in with my peers, and I did not choose to lack the ability to do what was expected of a male living in a very conservative / status quo community.
What really did not help is how I had managed to acquire a liking to cartoon animals who wear diapers. Through discussions with my therapists over the past eleven years, I have been able to track my socially-unacceptable interest to as far back to when I was four years old. I also used online resources, once I found them upon their availability, to learn how there are thousands of people all over the world who find wearing diapers along with drawing and writing about diapered cartoon animals therapeutic towards maintaining their mental health…
…However, a conservative town that had little interest in enabling a visually-impaired kid that never could, or was allowed to, be “One of the boys!”, like me, had no idea of how to understand how and why I came to find diapers cathartic. This lead to the same issue many others, who identify as ‘Littles’, ‘Babyfurs’, etc., to develop a fetish for diapers and diaper wearing.
By the time I started college, I had become extremely aware of how I would never be accepted as “One of the boys!”. I had good friends who were the best pals a cartoon-loving, card-flopping, video game playing dude could ever ask for, but the ability to succeed beyond being an ‘S Class Dork’ evaded me since I had come to believe my lack of masculine qualities, coupled with my low vision, would eternally prevent me from being more than a dweeb with a dream.
Another important thing that happened when I started college is that I, for the first time, tried to purge myself of my interest in diapers, diapered cartoon animals, and having a fetish for being back in diapers.
No matter how hard I tried, I could never get rid of the part of me that enjoyed cute, diapered animals. It wasn’t until I talked with my therapists that I came to learn about the concept of ‘Replacement Therapy’ and how it is only truly possible to let go of an unwanted part of yourself if there is something you can, well, replace it with. This aspect would prove to be my proverbial Akili’s Heel as I spent my twenties and a majority of my thirties consumed with shame and self-loathing for being socially-unacceptable, afraid that someone would do something terrible to me with the misbelief that I was a pedophile, and getting myself deeper-and-deeper into the world of diapered ducks and birds as I lost even more of what made me who I could reasonably live with.
Starting in November of 2006, my ability to read a physical book, magazine, etc. was lost from having to have a cataract removed. Reading was one of my favorite things to do for as long as I can even remember. Not being able to comfortably read, look at pictures, and play text-based games was just awful. However, this was only the tip of the proverbial iceberg as the cataract surgery did not heal properly. This created a corneal ulcer that, sparing gruesome details, left me with foggy eyesight that further obscured what I could process through my eye. (I mention ‘eye’ in singular form as my left eye stopped working when I was five years old.).
In 2008, I was exposed to my first dose of bullying in the workplace / toxic working environment. There is nothing that compares to having to apologize to your colleagues for how your disability inconvenienced them while learning how long they have held negative feelings towards me. Toss in getting told that you just bring people down, are always sad, and never show reciprocity and you have a big win for low self-esteem.
Needless to say, I kept losing eyesight, needing surgeries, and being treated like I had no positive impact in those places I could find work. When the stress would get too high, I’d find my desire to read, see, think, and be a part of the ‘Furry Community’ getting greater-and-greater. This was because, upon joining ‘Fur Affinity’ in September of 2008, I found people who actually helped me to start on the path of building self-esteem, self-acceptance, and finding value in more than what growing up in backwater Pennsylvania had lead me to believe…
…Unfortunately, this part of me was not anything I could share with anyone close to me in real life. This made things difficult for how I was being psychologically assaulted at work, losing more-and-more eyesight, having surgeries that temporarily blinded me in both 2011 and 2012, struggling to adapt to the ongoing loss of vision, and being reduced to useless as an employee as a result of the hardware and software I relied on to work in tandem with my colleagues not being supported by newer releases of software made by Microsoft and third party entities.
By the time my marriage came to an end in 2018, I really did not know what to do to remain relevant in this world. The rest of my eyesight was lost at the end of 2016 and efforts to become an author never went beyond the handful of furry friends I had helping me to remain determined while aiding in publishing my original works. I had also lost my best coping mechanism for stress and anxiety, video games, with absolutely nothing to fill in yet another part of what made me who I was.
It hasn’t been until this year that I have made any real progress in being happy with myself. This is because, after a number of stressful events that went with the purchase of the house, I took it upon myself to invite a good friend of mine, Lucca, to live with me. Lucca and I are kindred spirits in how we have both endured a lot of trauma that put us in very unpleasant headspaces. It wasn’t until we talked over the phone for hours each night leading to her arrival from Washington State to Pennsylvania that we knew we were meant to be in a relationship.
Lucca and I both have disabilities. This does not negatively impact us as we continue to find ways to grow and learn from each other. Most notably is how, after months of effort and years of self-denial, I managed to work with the county to get Lucca paid for helping me with those things that I struggle to do, take a long time to do, was unsure of how well I did, etc. This was not easy as, for as long as I have lived, I had been programmed to not seek such help for it diminished who I was as a blind person within the overall blind community. This was ‘Gas Lighting’ at its best as, after nearly another massive panic attack in August, Lucca helped me to see how much of my internal suffering was brought on by my deep-seated beliefs that I cannot realistically do to the level needed to not be in a state of unending psychological pain.
Those who know Lucca also know she is a part of the Furry Community within the niche of Babyfur. So, to answer those pesky questions, I do wear diapers when I am alone with Lucca. They provide me something that I can ‘feel’, ‘hear’, and appreciate without having to have a “Sighted Friend”. By no longer feeling ashamed of a part of myself that I can still do despite all the losses in my life, I have really felt my self-esteem returning along with my confidence. I also, through Lucca, am FINALLY getting to mourn the loss of my life of sight to transition into making a new one filled with positivity that is not reliant on any of those things I could never get back from having gone 100% blind.
In summary, I am certainly one odd duck who does and enjoys very atypical things, but they make me happy without feeling so left out of life from losing my eyesight. Do I need outside approval? No! Do I worry about what sharing this will do? No! I only hope that you all realize that, if put in a similar situation yourselves, you would come to understand that any route that does not cause harm to yourself and/or others in which provides for good mental health is better than hoping you can hold yourself together enough to not want to commit the unthinkable.
If any of what I shared disagrees with you, I am okay with it. You may even choose to no longer engage in conversations with me, disown me, or whatever you wish. No action will change how, after over 42 years, I finally feel I can stop being trapped in the past, worried about things that are far beyond my control, and know that it is okay to be Lucca’s exclusive, flappy-happy, ever-chirping, ducky dork.
Your Pal,
---Yosh E. O'ducky ;)
OVERVIEW:
With the biggest and longest running issue that has made me more distant due to ongoing battles with anxiety and depression covered in the previous post, I now will set the record straight for everyone to whom has found themselves stuck within the proverbial ‘Rumor Mill’ and ‘Drama Club’ in regard to me, myself, and I.
---
SOCIALLY AWKWARD / ODD DUCK:
Anyone who knows me certainly is more than aware that I have the personality of a ‘Human Cartoon’. I also associate myself with birds, most notably ducks, for how ‘verbal’ and ‘loud’ they can be.
Ducks and cartoons mentioned, I now move on to better explain my ‘Derpy’, yet determined, personality. The purpose here is to share that I am fully aware that I come off as a #1 Hyperactive Knuckleheaded Ninja. Anyone who may get this ‘Naruto’ reference should also know just how the protagonist of this long-running Anime has an approach for life that comes off very aloof, but he is always true to himself and what he believes in…
…I cannot say the same for myself for a large portion of my life. I seldom felt confident in the real me and did all I could to adapt myself in order to fit in. I did not choose to be born with a degenerative eye disorder, I did not choose to grow up in a backwater town that felt I belonged in Special Ed without even giving me a chance to fit in with my peers, and I did not choose to lack the ability to do what was expected of a male living in a very conservative / status quo community.
What really did not help is how I had managed to acquire a liking to cartoon animals who wear diapers. Through discussions with my therapists over the past eleven years, I have been able to track my socially-unacceptable interest to as far back to when I was four years old. I also used online resources, once I found them upon their availability, to learn how there are thousands of people all over the world who find wearing diapers along with drawing and writing about diapered cartoon animals therapeutic towards maintaining their mental health…
…However, a conservative town that had little interest in enabling a visually-impaired kid that never could, or was allowed to, be “One of the boys!”, like me, had no idea of how to understand how and why I came to find diapers cathartic. This lead to the same issue many others, who identify as ‘Littles’, ‘Babyfurs’, etc., to develop a fetish for diapers and diaper wearing.
By the time I started college, I had become extremely aware of how I would never be accepted as “One of the boys!”. I had good friends who were the best pals a cartoon-loving, card-flopping, video game playing dude could ever ask for, but the ability to succeed beyond being an ‘S Class Dork’ evaded me since I had come to believe my lack of masculine qualities, coupled with my low vision, would eternally prevent me from being more than a dweeb with a dream.
Another important thing that happened when I started college is that I, for the first time, tried to purge myself of my interest in diapers, diapered cartoon animals, and having a fetish for being back in diapers.
No matter how hard I tried, I could never get rid of the part of me that enjoyed cute, diapered animals. It wasn’t until I talked with my therapists that I came to learn about the concept of ‘Replacement Therapy’ and how it is only truly possible to let go of an unwanted part of yourself if there is something you can, well, replace it with. This aspect would prove to be my proverbial Akili’s Heel as I spent my twenties and a majority of my thirties consumed with shame and self-loathing for being socially-unacceptable, afraid that someone would do something terrible to me with the misbelief that I was a pedophile, and getting myself deeper-and-deeper into the world of diapered ducks and birds as I lost even more of what made me who I could reasonably live with.
Starting in November of 2006, my ability to read a physical book, magazine, etc. was lost from having to have a cataract removed. Reading was one of my favorite things to do for as long as I can even remember. Not being able to comfortably read, look at pictures, and play text-based games was just awful. However, this was only the tip of the proverbial iceberg as the cataract surgery did not heal properly. This created a corneal ulcer that, sparing gruesome details, left me with foggy eyesight that further obscured what I could process through my eye. (I mention ‘eye’ in singular form as my left eye stopped working when I was five years old.).
In 2008, I was exposed to my first dose of bullying in the workplace / toxic working environment. There is nothing that compares to having to apologize to your colleagues for how your disability inconvenienced them while learning how long they have held negative feelings towards me. Toss in getting told that you just bring people down, are always sad, and never show reciprocity and you have a big win for low self-esteem.
Needless to say, I kept losing eyesight, needing surgeries, and being treated like I had no positive impact in those places I could find work. When the stress would get too high, I’d find my desire to read, see, think, and be a part of the ‘Furry Community’ getting greater-and-greater. This was because, upon joining ‘Fur Affinity’ in September of 2008, I found people who actually helped me to start on the path of building self-esteem, self-acceptance, and finding value in more than what growing up in backwater Pennsylvania had lead me to believe…
…Unfortunately, this part of me was not anything I could share with anyone close to me in real life. This made things difficult for how I was being psychologically assaulted at work, losing more-and-more eyesight, having surgeries that temporarily blinded me in both 2011 and 2012, struggling to adapt to the ongoing loss of vision, and being reduced to useless as an employee as a result of the hardware and software I relied on to work in tandem with my colleagues not being supported by newer releases of software made by Microsoft and third party entities.
By the time my marriage came to an end in 2018, I really did not know what to do to remain relevant in this world. The rest of my eyesight was lost at the end of 2016 and efforts to become an author never went beyond the handful of furry friends I had helping me to remain determined while aiding in publishing my original works. I had also lost my best coping mechanism for stress and anxiety, video games, with absolutely nothing to fill in yet another part of what made me who I was.
It hasn’t been until this year that I have made any real progress in being happy with myself. This is because, after a number of stressful events that went with the purchase of the house, I took it upon myself to invite a good friend of mine, Lucca, to live with me. Lucca and I are kindred spirits in how we have both endured a lot of trauma that put us in very unpleasant headspaces. It wasn’t until we talked over the phone for hours each night leading to her arrival from Washington State to Pennsylvania that we knew we were meant to be in a relationship.
Lucca and I both have disabilities. This does not negatively impact us as we continue to find ways to grow and learn from each other. Most notably is how, after months of effort and years of self-denial, I managed to work with the county to get Lucca paid for helping me with those things that I struggle to do, take a long time to do, was unsure of how well I did, etc. This was not easy as, for as long as I have lived, I had been programmed to not seek such help for it diminished who I was as a blind person within the overall blind community. This was ‘Gas Lighting’ at its best as, after nearly another massive panic attack in August, Lucca helped me to see how much of my internal suffering was brought on by my deep-seated beliefs that I cannot realistically do to the level needed to not be in a state of unending psychological pain.
Those who know Lucca also know she is a part of the Furry Community within the niche of Babyfur. So, to answer those pesky questions, I do wear diapers when I am alone with Lucca. They provide me something that I can ‘feel’, ‘hear’, and appreciate without having to have a “Sighted Friend”. By no longer feeling ashamed of a part of myself that I can still do despite all the losses in my life, I have really felt my self-esteem returning along with my confidence. I also, through Lucca, am FINALLY getting to mourn the loss of my life of sight to transition into making a new one filled with positivity that is not reliant on any of those things I could never get back from having gone 100% blind.
In summary, I am certainly one odd duck who does and enjoys very atypical things, but they make me happy without feeling so left out of life from losing my eyesight. Do I need outside approval? No! Do I worry about what sharing this will do? No! I only hope that you all realize that, if put in a similar situation yourselves, you would come to understand that any route that does not cause harm to yourself and/or others in which provides for good mental health is better than hoping you can hold yourself together enough to not want to commit the unthinkable.
If any of what I shared disagrees with you, I am okay with it. You may even choose to no longer engage in conversations with me, disown me, or whatever you wish. No action will change how, after over 42 years, I finally feel I can stop being trapped in the past, worried about things that are far beyond my control, and know that it is okay to be Lucca’s exclusive, flappy-happy, ever-chirping, ducky dork.
Your Pal,
---Yosh E. O'ducky ;)
***
I really, REALLY want to just do some fun writing for you, me, and our pals. The story with Aro, Avril, Poppy, and Re being at the forefront of my quacktacularly-cutesy way of thinking. ;)
I think many, many appreciate having a happy-flappy, ever-chirping, ducky dork like you being here to share your life.
***
There was a time where I sought out attention through these posts. However, in recent times, I have really tried to make them into personal therapy sessions where what I type serves to allow my mind a chance to better process my thoughts.
After all I have been through during my descent into total blindness, I genuinely hope that someone reading what I have to share can use what happened to me to better their own lives. What would make it even better is being able to knowingly, or unknowingly, positively influence someone so that they can start on a path of self-esteem before having to experience their lives being torn apart by people that openly choose to be inconsiderate.
***
I've been told I "Overshare". However, after having so many things being used against me for so many years, I have just gotten to a point where I want people to know about me and who I am online and offline.
*Sighs* It just starts to really ruin your spirit when it feels like nothing you do is right as you are pressured to be something that, even if you try your best, you cannot be.
Looks like I have to update my pronoun rolodex though-- shame on me for not keeping up.
***
*More Crinklesnugs* thanks for all of your support, Toroth. Lucca and I are oh-so close to having our things & stuff in order. Once we do, I will delight in returning all the kindness you've shown while paying it forward to others.
So... That's what I have to say Yosh. For me you're a super hero. It seems simply nothing can bring you down completely, and that's truly impressive. Please keep being a padded super hero Yosh, that's the best version of you, probably the only one indeed!
***
When we first met, I remember having done something inconsiderate that made you, rightfully, question if I was a true friend. When this happened, I knew I had to do something to make things better between us. This is when I commissioned
I then did something to hurt your feelings that had you, again, questioning if I was a worthwhile friend. This inspired me to take an even deeper look at myself and how I share thoughts and feelings with others. The time I reflected on what I had done to hurt you, this time, allowed me to become far better at communicating to not only you, but everyone else I share thoughts and creative ideas with. :)
***
What should be seen as most special from what I just wrote is how you gave me a chance to show I could be a good friend despite my talent for miscommunication not just once, but twice.
You allowing me to prove my worth as a friend really meant a lot to me. Your friendship is very important to me and I never want to lose you, or any good friend, as a result of something I never intended to do in a harmful way.
*Snugs* Being able to share creative stories and our real life adventures has been one of the few good parts of 'My Life After Sight'. By being who you are and sharing what you feel worth sharing, I have been able to discover that I can still see new things that I never had an opportunity to notice prior to going blind. Making stories based on your heartfelt 'Submission Descriptions' became a highlight to me that, once I get everything working well for Lucca and I, will become a fun part of my more frequent adventures here on this site. (I have been working on a story to go with your picture of Gabby Griffon and Sunburst for a few weeks and cannot wait to write it without feeling guilty about something that I still need to take care of in real life.).
***
*Snugs* Thanks for being my friend and helping me to become a better person and dino-duckling, sweetie. I am eager to just enjoy sharing stories and letters with you soon.
There are many times I find myself sighing out loud when I think of how things were before I had to leave to start my post-collegiate life. It was such fun to encourage people to get together to hang out, make food, play video games, etc...
...And then it just all kind of dissipated after I was not able to be around those I grew up with. My sister, brother-in-law, and others just started to get set in their ways, drift apart, and take 'adulting' far too seriously.
*Sighs* I miss the "Good old days", but I am glad that I have continued to grow as a person despite all the struggles that have been put in my way of being happy.