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Finally ended the engagement but not out of the woods yet
3 years ago
A week and a half ago, I finally made the move to tell my parents I wanted out of the engagement, and of course as predicted, they didn't take it well at first. Some nasty words were said, not gonna bother with the details, but that night I slept in my sister-in-law's house (which just so happens to be almost next door to where I live). Bu the next day, my mom spoke to her brothers and sisters, my aunts and uncles, and after she told them about the stuff I said about my now-ex-fiance (mostly the money stuff she pulled with me), they all sided with me and knocked some sense into my mom that she was always a problematic woman and I did the right thing. My parents felt a lot better after that and I was able to move back into my normal room.
So how did my ex-fiance take it? She either didn't get the hint and thought it was just the relationship going through one of its downs (I included every reason I couldn't love her: the gold-digger problems, the control issues, the coerced sex, the lack of emotional support, the selfishness, etc., etc.), or she was just pretending not to hear because she kept on going about like nothing happened... She only realized it was over when I blocked her a couple of days later after still saying stuff like "good morning". She still of course tried to call my mom, who was very nervous trying to talk to her, but in the end, she accepted that it was over and that there was nothing she could do about it. My ex-fiance then went on a smear campaign to sully my reputation by telling as many people as she possibly could both in her social circle and mine about the fact that I take antidepressant drugs and see a psychiatrist and therapist, even posting screenshots of our conversations on Whatsapp to everyone. Says more about her than it does about me, really. She proved my suspicions about her character correct and I had realized that I dodged a bullet with her. She even said nasty things to my mom which my mom responded in kind and blocked her herself.
So, that's one major problem I've managed to cut out of my life and I'm very glad for it.
...With that now out of the way, I have to look to moving on with my life, and although I'm relieved, I still can't help but feel I still have other major problems I haven't been able to deal with in my life...mainly my mother... Yes, she did end up coming around to my decision and she still loves me, but that's also the problem: she loves me a little too much... She's still overprotective and treats me like a kid. She's one of those helicopter moms who still tries to control everything I do in order to protect me, even into my age...
...And that's another thing... In about 2 and a half weeks, I'll be turning 40... This makes me very sad that I'm hitting the 40 mark and I haven't really accomplished much in my life up until now...and while I would blame my mom for being largely the reason for that, I have to understand that it's mostly my fault for letting her intervene into my personal matters too much for too long... The main reason I'm too timid to do much about it is because I try to avoid unnecessary drama and because I care too much about how she feels... I care too much about the possibility of leaving her broken-hearted over my decisions and I'm the kind of person who tries so hard to avoid making others sad, even if it's at the expense of my own well-being... It's another one of those "stuck between a rock and a hard place" situations where I feel there's just no way I can do something without making one of us sad...
I can only do little things that can make us both happy, like watching something we both like, doing some shopping together, etc., but when it comes to life decisions, like who I want to be with, what makes her happy is someone or something that's terrible for me (like my ex-fiance), or if I go with someone who makes me happy (like Crystal, until things didn't work out anymore), then she's not happy. What I want and what she wants never really match up because of different ideals, values, beliefs, etc. There's just no way I can find a woman I'll be happy with because the kind of person I want, she detests... I know I have to go with my own heart regardless of what anyone thinks, but if my choices make her sad, then...I can't be happy either... I hate that my happiness has to be someone else's sadness... I can't control how she feels and thinks, but godammit I just...care too much about others... Sometimes I wish I was more of an unfeeling asshole sometimes...
And that's the one thing that I think bothers me most: the only way I can be happy is to be an asshole...and I don't want to be an asshole...
So how did my ex-fiance take it? She either didn't get the hint and thought it was just the relationship going through one of its downs (I included every reason I couldn't love her: the gold-digger problems, the control issues, the coerced sex, the lack of emotional support, the selfishness, etc., etc.), or she was just pretending not to hear because she kept on going about like nothing happened... She only realized it was over when I blocked her a couple of days later after still saying stuff like "good morning". She still of course tried to call my mom, who was very nervous trying to talk to her, but in the end, she accepted that it was over and that there was nothing she could do about it. My ex-fiance then went on a smear campaign to sully my reputation by telling as many people as she possibly could both in her social circle and mine about the fact that I take antidepressant drugs and see a psychiatrist and therapist, even posting screenshots of our conversations on Whatsapp to everyone. Says more about her than it does about me, really. She proved my suspicions about her character correct and I had realized that I dodged a bullet with her. She even said nasty things to my mom which my mom responded in kind and blocked her herself.
So, that's one major problem I've managed to cut out of my life and I'm very glad for it.
...With that now out of the way, I have to look to moving on with my life, and although I'm relieved, I still can't help but feel I still have other major problems I haven't been able to deal with in my life...mainly my mother... Yes, she did end up coming around to my decision and she still loves me, but that's also the problem: she loves me a little too much... She's still overprotective and treats me like a kid. She's one of those helicopter moms who still tries to control everything I do in order to protect me, even into my age...
...And that's another thing... In about 2 and a half weeks, I'll be turning 40... This makes me very sad that I'm hitting the 40 mark and I haven't really accomplished much in my life up until now...and while I would blame my mom for being largely the reason for that, I have to understand that it's mostly my fault for letting her intervene into my personal matters too much for too long... The main reason I'm too timid to do much about it is because I try to avoid unnecessary drama and because I care too much about how she feels... I care too much about the possibility of leaving her broken-hearted over my decisions and I'm the kind of person who tries so hard to avoid making others sad, even if it's at the expense of my own well-being... It's another one of those "stuck between a rock and a hard place" situations where I feel there's just no way I can do something without making one of us sad...
I can only do little things that can make us both happy, like watching something we both like, doing some shopping together, etc., but when it comes to life decisions, like who I want to be with, what makes her happy is someone or something that's terrible for me (like my ex-fiance), or if I go with someone who makes me happy (like Crystal, until things didn't work out anymore), then she's not happy. What I want and what she wants never really match up because of different ideals, values, beliefs, etc. There's just no way I can find a woman I'll be happy with because the kind of person I want, she detests... I know I have to go with my own heart regardless of what anyone thinks, but if my choices make her sad, then...I can't be happy either... I hate that my happiness has to be someone else's sadness... I can't control how she feels and thinks, but godammit I just...care too much about others... Sometimes I wish I was more of an unfeeling asshole sometimes...
And that's the one thing that I think bothers me most: the only way I can be happy is to be an asshole...and I don't want to be an asshole...
You need to explain to her that she should allow you to be happy, rather than her controlling you to accept what makes her happy. This includes your choice of who you partner up with. I get it, you love your mom, and you want her to be happy, but she is controlling you, almost being narcissistic. It's a difficult thing to do, but you do need to learn to stand up for yourself. The first step was ending the engagement.
Congratulations on that one!