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A Thanksgiving tradition, plus an update
3 years ago
If you're reading this, I'm thankful for you. I try to post that every year, and even if I don't expand on the details, it feels like I mean it a little more every year. Knowing there's at least someone there paying attention means a lot, and I wish I were better at earning that attention.
Which leads into an overdue update on general stuff. It hasn't actually been that long since the last one, and yet it feels like it's been far too long at the same time, because some unpleasant Stuff has happened and is going to take a while to sort out. And unfortunately, it's Stuff that I can't really get into here. I don't just mean that in the way people usually mean it when they don't want to talk about what's bothering them, but there are actual reasons why I can't/shouldn't get into it. And I hate to be vague, especially since I'm trying to be better about that these days, but it's possible even being this vague is saying too much. As much as I'd legitimately rather not talk about it at all, I'd rather not have to dance around it. Just rest assured that it's being handled as best as it can be, there are people I can talk to about it, and I will say more when it's appropriate to do so (even if I don't share every detail).
(And if you haven't heard anything from me privately about it, don't take that personally. The list of people who know anything at all is extremely short, and very few of those know any details. So please don't read into things, and I respectfully request you not ask until I can talk about it.)
Emotionally I'm in a solid enough place, but I'm sure that anyone who knows me has noticed I've been a little more withdrawn than usual even if they don't know why. Social interaction has been a little harder than usual, as even at the best of times I just don't have the spoons for even my usual online presence, such as it is, even when otherwise I'm good. And there are a lot of days where I'm the great clown Pagliacci. I kinda hate having to put on that mask, but the alternative is silence and people either notice that and it upsets them, or they don't and it upsets me. But for the moment, I'm fine. Not great, but I could be worse.
Putting that aside, I do want to address that for months now I've been meaning to upload some scanned artwork and post those old stories of mine, and for a long time I've just been distracted and kept forgetting to put in the time to do it. Then I had my burnout and arm problems, and just when the former was clearing up and I had recovered from the worst of the latter, the Stuff happened and among other ripple effects it's led to some technical issues that have made it impossible to do any scanning or editing for the moment. I'm trying to get functional again in that regard, but there are some factors that have to go into that.
In the meantime, I am finding time and energy to write when I can. I want to finish the denouement of Conversion sooner rather than later, as well as the rewrite of Let Sleeping Foxes Lie, just to have them in a completed state before anything else falls out of the sky on me. And so far that's coming along well enough -- again, could be better, could be worse -- but that's nothing new at this point. These last couple months have shown me just how far I can push myself writing-wise without causing problems, and for better or worse that line is about where I thought it would be. (Better in that I haven't been holding myself back as much as I'd feared, worse in that it means right now I can't really work faster than I have been.) However, in the name of staying positive I'm also taking that as a challenge to still find ways to improve my process, to find ways around those barriers. I'm still being careful with my limits, but I'm confident that I can find a way to surpass or at least expand them in time.
Shit, that feels like a good line to leave off on but I feel like there's more I want to say. But I can't think of anything else useful to talk about here, so I'll just say that I hope those of you who celebrate Thanksgiving had a pleasant holiday, and those of you who celebrate upcoming holidays have a pleasant season. As usual, if anyone has any questions (about anything but the aforementioned Stuff), feel free to ask and I'll answer as best I can.
Which leads into an overdue update on general stuff. It hasn't actually been that long since the last one, and yet it feels like it's been far too long at the same time, because some unpleasant Stuff has happened and is going to take a while to sort out. And unfortunately, it's Stuff that I can't really get into here. I don't just mean that in the way people usually mean it when they don't want to talk about what's bothering them, but there are actual reasons why I can't/shouldn't get into it. And I hate to be vague, especially since I'm trying to be better about that these days, but it's possible even being this vague is saying too much. As much as I'd legitimately rather not talk about it at all, I'd rather not have to dance around it. Just rest assured that it's being handled as best as it can be, there are people I can talk to about it, and I will say more when it's appropriate to do so (even if I don't share every detail).
(And if you haven't heard anything from me privately about it, don't take that personally. The list of people who know anything at all is extremely short, and very few of those know any details. So please don't read into things, and I respectfully request you not ask until I can talk about it.)
Emotionally I'm in a solid enough place, but I'm sure that anyone who knows me has noticed I've been a little more withdrawn than usual even if they don't know why. Social interaction has been a little harder than usual, as even at the best of times I just don't have the spoons for even my usual online presence, such as it is, even when otherwise I'm good. And there are a lot of days where I'm the great clown Pagliacci. I kinda hate having to put on that mask, but the alternative is silence and people either notice that and it upsets them, or they don't and it upsets me. But for the moment, I'm fine. Not great, but I could be worse.
Putting that aside, I do want to address that for months now I've been meaning to upload some scanned artwork and post those old stories of mine, and for a long time I've just been distracted and kept forgetting to put in the time to do it. Then I had my burnout and arm problems, and just when the former was clearing up and I had recovered from the worst of the latter, the Stuff happened and among other ripple effects it's led to some technical issues that have made it impossible to do any scanning or editing for the moment. I'm trying to get functional again in that regard, but there are some factors that have to go into that.
In the meantime, I am finding time and energy to write when I can. I want to finish the denouement of Conversion sooner rather than later, as well as the rewrite of Let Sleeping Foxes Lie, just to have them in a completed state before anything else falls out of the sky on me. And so far that's coming along well enough -- again, could be better, could be worse -- but that's nothing new at this point. These last couple months have shown me just how far I can push myself writing-wise without causing problems, and for better or worse that line is about where I thought it would be. (Better in that I haven't been holding myself back as much as I'd feared, worse in that it means right now I can't really work faster than I have been.) However, in the name of staying positive I'm also taking that as a challenge to still find ways to improve my process, to find ways around those barriers. I'm still being careful with my limits, but I'm confident that I can find a way to surpass or at least expand them in time.
Shit, that feels like a good line to leave off on but I feel like there's more I want to say. But I can't think of anything else useful to talk about here, so I'll just say that I hope those of you who celebrate Thanksgiving had a pleasant holiday, and those of you who celebrate upcoming holidays have a pleasant season. As usual, if anyone has any questions (about anything but the aforementioned Stuff), feel free to ask and I'll answer as best I can.
