Today officially marks the 5th anniversary of the surgery that removed my colon cancer and I have some things to say:

You think after five years I would have figured out how I'm supposed to feel about this. I still feel that my recovery is a fluke (I mean, I have been told several times that my recovery isn't how most recoveries go, and the surgeon himself said it was a 'miracle') and if I knew that my life was going to be in a rut like this, I probably wouldn't have fought that hard and had a more pessimistic attitude about the whole thing.

While I'm still thankful to be alive, but it's hard to be optimistic when you have your half-brother going on about "Hey! Didja know that river is going dry? The one the Bible said would kick off the end of the world!"

Yeah, I already know the world is going to shit in so many other ways... I did not want another one to add to the pile of things that make me think "I survived cancer for this?"

It's not easy to hold on there like nothing had happened. I was taken apart, I had parts removed, I had parts moved around, I was put back together, but I have to remind myself that I'm broken, incomplete, and will never be the same as I was before I went into all of this. What am I supposed to do now? Like I said earlier, I feel my life is currently in a rut. I have nothing to look forward to, and that drags down the experience even more.

Here's the thing, I just want a break from some of this, but I can't really do that at the moment. It's freaking cold outside, and there isn't really anything in my town to do anyway. Everything is out of town, and that costs money that I don't really have. Same goes for visiting any of my friends, since that requires a vacation in itself. I need to figure this kind of thing out.

Five years in, and I'm still getting used to everything afterwards... Here's hoping I finally figure things out in the next five.