All last week, school started late for WKCE standardized testing which only sophomores take. Because of this, I was able to sleep as late as I needed, usually from ten at night to eight in the morning. Ten hours of sleep. I'd wake up feeling great, with that general air of "this is going to be a good day". Before noon though - and always before noon - I'd feel like shit. I'd want to go back to sleep after not even four hours of being awake.

Keeping with the theme of being a mess, here's a bit of copypasta from a post I made on another webforum:

"Now see, this stuff about being unhappy about an inevitable breakup that I see after -every relationship I can think of- with little exception... it's why I've always been deterred from trying to have a personal relationship with anyone. Ever. I don't think I've ever, -ever- thought "I like that girl, I wouldn't mind dating her" (except one, who just wants to be friends) because I don't want to bother with the torturous pain everyone seems to experience after dating someone for a while. It's why I never really wanted to love anyone in particular. All this love shit seems to end badly, like a drug addiction that's fun at first but then just gets to be more and more pain."

I'm not just moping about with this. I want someone to prove me wrong, because if not, that would be really depressing. With the whole idea of entering a completely different society via this fandom, though, I might be able to abolish this notion and begin reconstructing my ideas of personal relationships.


Along those muddy lines, I'm going to switch fursonas. The reason for this is that my current/past (whichever, for varying grammatical interpretations) one is based off of my ideas of the real, functioning "IRL" society, in which I mostly try not to take part. Practically everyone I've met is some huge douche, so I stick to the sidelines and only make myself known to certain people when I want to be. That black canvas jacket I wear all the time has helped me a lot to this end, though that wasn't its original purpose (I just wanted to cover up my crippled arm that everyone kept pestering about), so it's an important personal symbol to me on the matter of not being noticed.

That's why I chose a wolf. I can apply whatever meaning I want (the wolf form is very strong, agile, and most importantly, expressible) but in the end the most important factor is that it's generic. A run-of-the-mill fursona in terms of appearance, one that lets me see without being seen.

But, if that's what I want, why make a fursona anyway? I've got an account, that's all I need to be able to see, and having an identity at all detracts from the "without being seen" part. So I reasoned, and you really don't want to bother reading my reasoning, that this site at least is one place where I -do- want to have an identity, where I -do- want to be seen. So a wolf is not for me, no matter how much meaning I apply to its figure.

So I switched, to a lynx. It has those features I admire in a wolf, and is even more slender in form, except it's not a run-of-the-mill character. In mythology, the lynx is a ghost-like creature that can be somewhere without its presence being known, so accordingly I can revert to the theme of "see without being seen" should I need to in the future.

So I'll have a drawing up sometime in the future. A good one, I promise.




END TL;DR WARNING