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Christmas...
2 years ago
I really don't want to spoil anyones christmas celebrations. If you are having a good time, I am genuinely happy for you and I wish you and yours nothing but the most pleasant of days. Maybe give this a pass for now. But I just need to get a few things off my chest and I hope that maybe I can reach a few people who aren't feeling great during the holidays with this and let them know, you're not alone.
Christmas is always such an emotionally taxing season for me. I know that I am in a very privileged position, having a family that likes to celebrate in a small circle with only the closest of family members, and who are also very understanding of me if I have to isolate myself for a while and take some time for myself. I've never been good at social events. Having people around me is always immensely draining for me. My family knows that and they understand if I need to excuse myself early just to be alone for a bit.
Even knowing that, retreating from the celebrations feels like I am letting them down. Not being outwardly happy and cheerful feels like I am letting people down. Getting all these nice and honestly well-meant messages from friends and family makes me feel guilty, because I don't have the energy to reply with a thoughtful and cheerful message in kind, and being emotionally honest with them would feel like I'd be spoiling their festivities. Getting gifts from people who only mean the best always makes me feel guilty because I didn't have the energy to get everyone something in return. I don't like mandatory gift-giving holidays. I don't want to get any gifts because I am really bad at giving gifts. I keep saying that everytime I am asked about it, but people keep getting me gifts anyways. In the end I just always end up feeling guilty about it.
Christmas is a time where I don't feel I can be honest about my emotions. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am sad. I know how to deal with sadness, like most people I have my own ways of dealing with negative emotions. It's not a problem, just a normal part of life. Except that during this time, I don't feel like I am allowed to even admit that I am not feeling well. Normally I just have a deep sigh, retreat with a game that gives me comfort, or start drawing what's on my mind, and afterwards I feel better about everything. But that only works if I feel like I can be with myself for a few hours and just deal with my feelings, and doing that during christmas feels like I am letting everyone around me down.
I know I really can't complain too much. After all, I have a family who knows I sometimes need room to myself and who won't hold it against me. There's no fighting with family members, no "racist uncles", no drama whatsoever. I am well aware a lot of people out there don't even have that sort of luxury during the holidays. I really do appreciate my family and I am genuinely happy to see them again.
I just want to say to everyone else out there who is feeling similarly during the holidays, you're not alone with these conflicting feelings. It's hard to complain about people being nice to you and trying to involve you in what makes them happy. But feeling overwhelmed by it all is absolutely valid, and needing some time to yourselves is too. Feeling like you have to be happy for the sake of others is genuinely draining, and I hope you can find the space to be honest with your own feelings throughout the holidays. I will be here if you just need to stare at the wall with me and let the world pass by for a bit.
To anyone else, I hope you are having a great time and enjoying a couple of great days with your loved ones. Don't let my gloominess keep you from enjoying your own holidays, but please be kind and understanding towards those who find it hard to deal with emotional obligations christmas brings with it.
And to anyone who has sent me well-wishes, I truly do appreciate it, and I am thankful that you thought of me. And please be understanding if I need a few days to muster up the energy to send a reply.
I hope all of you out there are having a good time, one way or another.
Christmas is always such an emotionally taxing season for me. I know that I am in a very privileged position, having a family that likes to celebrate in a small circle with only the closest of family members, and who are also very understanding of me if I have to isolate myself for a while and take some time for myself. I've never been good at social events. Having people around me is always immensely draining for me. My family knows that and they understand if I need to excuse myself early just to be alone for a bit.
Even knowing that, retreating from the celebrations feels like I am letting them down. Not being outwardly happy and cheerful feels like I am letting people down. Getting all these nice and honestly well-meant messages from friends and family makes me feel guilty, because I don't have the energy to reply with a thoughtful and cheerful message in kind, and being emotionally honest with them would feel like I'd be spoiling their festivities. Getting gifts from people who only mean the best always makes me feel guilty because I didn't have the energy to get everyone something in return. I don't like mandatory gift-giving holidays. I don't want to get any gifts because I am really bad at giving gifts. I keep saying that everytime I am asked about it, but people keep getting me gifts anyways. In the end I just always end up feeling guilty about it.
Christmas is a time where I don't feel I can be honest about my emotions. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am sad. I know how to deal with sadness, like most people I have my own ways of dealing with negative emotions. It's not a problem, just a normal part of life. Except that during this time, I don't feel like I am allowed to even admit that I am not feeling well. Normally I just have a deep sigh, retreat with a game that gives me comfort, or start drawing what's on my mind, and afterwards I feel better about everything. But that only works if I feel like I can be with myself for a few hours and just deal with my feelings, and doing that during christmas feels like I am letting everyone around me down.
I know I really can't complain too much. After all, I have a family who knows I sometimes need room to myself and who won't hold it against me. There's no fighting with family members, no "racist uncles", no drama whatsoever. I am well aware a lot of people out there don't even have that sort of luxury during the holidays. I really do appreciate my family and I am genuinely happy to see them again.
I just want to say to everyone else out there who is feeling similarly during the holidays, you're not alone with these conflicting feelings. It's hard to complain about people being nice to you and trying to involve you in what makes them happy. But feeling overwhelmed by it all is absolutely valid, and needing some time to yourselves is too. Feeling like you have to be happy for the sake of others is genuinely draining, and I hope you can find the space to be honest with your own feelings throughout the holidays. I will be here if you just need to stare at the wall with me and let the world pass by for a bit.
To anyone else, I hope you are having a great time and enjoying a couple of great days with your loved ones. Don't let my gloominess keep you from enjoying your own holidays, but please be kind and understanding towards those who find it hard to deal with emotional obligations christmas brings with it.
And to anyone who has sent me well-wishes, I truly do appreciate it, and I am thankful that you thought of me. And please be understanding if I need a few days to muster up the energy to send a reply.
I hope all of you out there are having a good time, one way or another.
And no worries if you take a while to reply, or even if you don't. I always enjoy hearing from you, but I totally understand about just needing some time and some space away from people now and then.
And thank you so much for the reply. Just hearing that I am not alone with this does help a lot. Yeah, sometimes I honestly get into the spirit as well, but especially this month life has just been super overwhelming. Mostly in a good way, but that's still draining. I am really lucky to have a family like mine who knows I just need some distance now and then and doesn't take it personally. At the same time, I dread to imagine what people who's families don't understand what being an introvert can feel like are going through...
Thank you so much for taking the time to send your message though. I truly appreciate it <3
And I definitely understand about needing time to yourself sometimes. Like you, I'm lucky enough to have a family who understands, since both my Mom and my sister are almost as introverted as I am. When I was a kid, there were sometimes whole days when the three of us would stick to our own spaces and hardly say a word. But I've still had friends who didn't understand, and thought I was just being grumpy or selfish, and I wish more people could see that being an introvert isn't a bad thing and doesn't mean you're a bad person. It's just the way you are.
Anyway. I don't mean to ramble on at ya. Take care of yourself, and like Megan said, you're not alone and you don't have to feel guilty for anything. You're awesome just the way you are.
Oof, I really feel that too. I am lucky to have a family with lots of introverts in it too, so it's not weird if we all just spend most of our time for ourselves. But people en large definitely don't understand what that's like and what introverts need or how they express themselves. We truly live in an extrovert-centric world, don't we?
Thank you so much! I am happy to have you backing me up on this. I hope you have some wonderful holidays, however you decide to spend them <3
Children need Christmas presents. Adults really don't.
I won't wish you a merry Christmas, because I don't want you to feel you have to be happy for my sake. Instead, I will wish you a holy day; a time outside of time wherein you can leave your cares behind and reflect on whatever is most important to you. That's what Christmas means to me.
Thank you very much! I wish the same to you. However you end up spending your days, I hope you have a good time.
Christmas is a very hard time for me. And I always feel guilty I can't put on the same excitement for it as others. >~<
But ultimately... I do try and put on a good front for my loved ones. I do what I can to show my appreciation.
But then I absolutely take a weekend off work in the new year so I can give myself a proper reprieve from it all. And that's always been my strategy. Gove myself a holiday free holiday to properly decompress from all the Holiday stuff.
Absolutely take the time you need to recuperate for yourself. It really is important to get enough me-time.
I've always been a super energetic and outwardly happy person growing up, but in the recent years those energy levels drop even though the expectation is still there. It was tough trying to tell my family that I don't feel like dancing, or singing, or just not plastering a smile on my face because of the moment. (Thankfully, good communication with my family means they know my energy levels are low nowadays and that doesn't mean I'm unhappy with them or anything.) But Christmastime is a HUGE emotional beast for me because of the gift giving thing, so I feel that.
I have SO many people in my life who I want to give everything to, but I just... Can't. It takes so much energy for me to come up with a meaningful, thoughtful, tangible gift to give to just ONE person, because they deserve to know how much I care about them. But if I *don't* get then something, that means I don't really care and I don't want to communicate that, or leave anyone out because I couldn't think of anything meaningful for em. But I also realize that's a pressure I'm putting on myself, because the people who truly DO care are just okay with me *being.* Just, existing is already enough.
And that's enough for you too, Ink! So when I say Merry Christmas to you, just know that what I mean is I'm really happy that I know you, that you exist and that you're also feeling good, however you choose to. <3
The gift giving is such a thing, isn't it? It's so ingrained as a tradition that you feel like you have to, but it's takes s much energy to come up with something thoughtful. And let's not forget about the cost of it all. Sure, you can say family and loved ones are worth it... but it still shouldn't be necessary to give gifts to express that. It puts so much emotional stress on you, especially with the people that are more like distant relatives, or not-quite-friends with you. Should you get them a gift? Are they gonna get you one? What if one gets a gift but the other doesn't? That's gonna be awkward... It's just... I wish we just didn't even start with all of that and just have a nice dinner together ^^"
Thank you so much, and a merry christmas to you too! I always appreciate talking to you and am always happy to see you. I hope we can do more of that in the coming year, but also, no pressure :3
But yeah, on the other hand, I know a lot of people who LOVE giving gifts. It's their love language, and they are eager to sit down and think about what to give, and BOY am I jealous of that ability sometimes xD But yeah, I definitely advocate for appreciation during Christmas without the obligation of purchasing things for them!
Likewise to you!! I hope we get to share some more good moments!! <3
Stay sane and God bless.
Having Aspergers myself, I know the feeling of social draain all too well - we only got the energy that we do, and if we sometimes needs to just take 10min to just be by yourself, that is a-okay Lea :3