2022... a very bizzare year honestly for me.

After a recent mental breakdown just now I feel it's more then important I express how much of a fucking rolling coaster this year was.

To start with some positives, because unlike last year. They were some really good things that did happen this year.

The biggest was that, finally after years of on me knees begging and work. I was granted the fortune of an affordable and mildly safe apartment complex to call 'home'. May be small as shit, but... Like it really is baffling to me to actually have a place to call home... and not a prison disguised as one. It's honestly the single greastest thing to ever happen in my 23 years of living honestly. To finally have a place to actually be able to spread my wings. (By that, wearing diapers around the house and living by my own rules.) That alone can pretty much ensure this was one of the better years in my entire life honestly. The fact that I'm doing 'okay' money wise really is nice too. So I can most likely keep the place for next year too.

Another is that while minor. I've noticed improvements in my creative passions. Drawlings look better and feel consistant. I don't really talk about my music. Music been turning out well too. Been greatful people been mostly supportive of my (Elfilin) obsession as well. (Kirby and the Forgotten Lands GOTW btw) But, he really been my precious beacon of life in this world lately to me and all I wanna do is give him love and more ways then 1 >//< but, that's besides the point.

The fact Pikmin 4 exists... like seriously thanks Nintendo... the ONE good thing beside Kirby this year you did...

But some REAL shit happened this year. Some lows to even rival my worst.

Work been ass lately, hate my fucking job atm and I want to leave.

Health been the worst it's ever been... really feel like I'm gonna die in my 40's at this rate.

One distant but good friend of mine and my brother's killed himself, and my mother (while not close...) got fucking severe mouth cancer. Still a really hard thing to think about due to how 'strange' it feels...

My IRL friend life has been horrid too and he's my only friend in physical proximity I can hang with... so it hits deeper.

I swear half my friends here online have had some real bad shit happen to them. Like dealing with severe depression and or having near death experiences... so that's fucking great... (not really)

On top of it, all the broken promises I made. The animation, the livestreams, my drawlings. Or even the goals I had set for my 'private' stuff? Cancelled, pushed away, and neglected. My work effic is so low it physically disgusts me. My thoughts/dreams harassing me on how much of a damn failure I am... My energy so drained, lifting a pencil for 30 minutes is enough to make me wanna sleep all damn day. My health and my mental energy so screwed... I just can't find the time or ENERGY to do it anymore or to find enjoyment from it.

The one great thing that would have instantly digged me out of the damn ditch I buried myself in, all dulled from the shear amount of rocks sending me back down to the underground.

It'a hard to figure out what to do anymore... I feel so distant, lonely, and a nobody. I know happiness is there, but why do I have climb a damn mountain of issues just to fucking find it?

2023 gonna hit in 3 hours for me and I REALLY have to make things right this year.

To stop wasting away like a corpse...
To feel like I'm doing the work which I feel proud of...
Maybe even feel happy.

I want to catch up to the goals I made rather then keep making new ones I'll never reach. That is my New Years resolution... if that all goes to waste again? I... I don't know anymore.

Probably need to talk to my therapist again, but what will they say? It's funny how simple the solution is... "just do it!" They all say... But for me? Why can't I get the energy to actually do that... like how do people do it?

But that is what a New Year is for right!? To change your life for the better... I just hope I... no I need to do it this year. For my sake...

Thanks for those reading, I know it's a fucking depressing read... but damn it I needed something to vent this out. Beside my own mind for the 200th time this year...

Everyone enjoy your 2023, we all need a little blessing in this horrid world.