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Way Too Much, Insanity and Nearly Destroyed
2 years ago
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Hey all.
In 2022, around my birthday, my mother died. My mental illness and depression became so bad, I became so desperate for help, AND was bullied by my father and sister AND therapist into seeing a psychiatrist at this "Family Counseling Center" that I finally went.
The psychiatrist has since used me as a guinea pig.
My psychiatrist almost killed me quite a few times with horrible interactions and allergic reactions. I was desperate for HELP and continued being screamed at to just keep going back. I didn't know what else to do.
Well, She did it again, but this time, the most severe it's ever been. She put me on a handful of drugs, but especially a "brand new one" that they were obviously ordered to push onto patients for monetary kickbacks.
This thing destroyed me. I'm barely regaining consciousness after... I seriously cannot remember how many days of being locked in hallucination, trying to get off it and not kill myself in the misery, trying to seal myself away from my evil family so they didn't lock me in a mental ward in a hospital AGAIN from this bitch's antics.... and trying to stay away from my friends and the people I care about so I couldn't hurt them.
I'm sorry for the things I've said and done. I was not in my right mind. I reread my Christmas journal and, while I didn't lie about the love I feel, that was absolutely... absurd. I would never be so freaking arrogant, the whole thing was insane. I can remember just wanting to tell everyone that they were important and Loved by God, and that I felt love for everyone, but *that mess* was not it, God only knows.
So here I am, finally, finally getting my senses back, left with the ripped and torn pieces of myself and my life, once again faced with picking up the pieces. The result of "trying to get help" here in the good ol' South.
That psychiatrist can go fuck herself and burn, she certainly annihilated me. I'm not going to try medication ever again. This has been the last straw.
I wanna make everything right. But giving an explanation for myself may be the best I can do. As for my depression and handling my mother's death? I am working on it, but it will never be healed, nor will the scars I have from being put through the psychiatric medicine wringer again.
This is a long-winded journal... but I had much I needed to say. You *are* loved beyond imagination, I at least got that one thing right in all this.
And, I am sorry.
--sincerely, what's left of HungotheNomster.
In 2022, around my birthday, my mother died. My mental illness and depression became so bad, I became so desperate for help, AND was bullied by my father and sister AND therapist into seeing a psychiatrist at this "Family Counseling Center" that I finally went.
The psychiatrist has since used me as a guinea pig.
My psychiatrist almost killed me quite a few times with horrible interactions and allergic reactions. I was desperate for HELP and continued being screamed at to just keep going back. I didn't know what else to do.
Well, She did it again, but this time, the most severe it's ever been. She put me on a handful of drugs, but especially a "brand new one" that they were obviously ordered to push onto patients for monetary kickbacks.
This thing destroyed me. I'm barely regaining consciousness after... I seriously cannot remember how many days of being locked in hallucination, trying to get off it and not kill myself in the misery, trying to seal myself away from my evil family so they didn't lock me in a mental ward in a hospital AGAIN from this bitch's antics.... and trying to stay away from my friends and the people I care about so I couldn't hurt them.
I'm sorry for the things I've said and done. I was not in my right mind. I reread my Christmas journal and, while I didn't lie about the love I feel, that was absolutely... absurd. I would never be so freaking arrogant, the whole thing was insane. I can remember just wanting to tell everyone that they were important and Loved by God, and that I felt love for everyone, but *that mess* was not it, God only knows.
So here I am, finally, finally getting my senses back, left with the ripped and torn pieces of myself and my life, once again faced with picking up the pieces. The result of "trying to get help" here in the good ol' South.
That psychiatrist can go fuck herself and burn, she certainly annihilated me. I'm not going to try medication ever again. This has been the last straw.
I wanna make everything right. But giving an explanation for myself may be the best I can do. As for my depression and handling my mother's death? I am working on it, but it will never be healed, nor will the scars I have from being put through the psychiatric medicine wringer again.
This is a long-winded journal... but I had much I needed to say. You *are* loved beyond imagination, I at least got that one thing right in all this.
And, I am sorry.
--sincerely, what's left of HungotheNomster.
Ife with medicines and therapy. It's just awful.
Please do what you can. If you cant, find a friend or loved one outside your family and ask for help.
I know that's what I did, when my own family couldn't help me and made things worse when I was younger.
My friends helped me find a really good therapist, and I couldn't thank them enough.
You'll get through this, my friend.
And yes unfortunately therapy in the south can be messy, I've had multiple other friends having to change them multiple times before finding one that would listen to them (and give them medicines in a NORMAL way instead of whatever yours did)
American doctors having kickbacks on experimental drugs does so much damage towards actually established people that actually want to help, hate it
I dont even know what to say...
If you need anything, ill get it for you, or rely on your friends for aid, you know they love you
I hope you can get the help you actually, not being used as a damn guinea pig!
Please be safe!
I am here as always if you need some support. Sorry that you have had to go through all this suffering my friend.
Its so messed up when the very people you should be able to rely on and trust are so awful, ugh. Professionals that do this should be publiy shamed and have their liscensing taken away permanently as far as Im concerned. I couldnt even imagine being so crappy of a person to do that to such vulnerable individuals...
This is so NOT OKAY!!! Im so sorry that you’re going through this, like seriously, just...words cant even describe how angry this kind of treatment makes me. I know we’ve probably never communicated with eqch other ever, but man....how I wish I were able to drive or fly over to pick you up, and take you somewhere that these particular people in your life couldnt find you and treat you so horribly.
Like, I just cant even, you deserve to be safe, loved, and treated well by these people above all others, and especially a medical professional in this field...just, grrrrr, I hope she gets what she deserves for using you like some guinea pig and treating you so terribly. I eo believe in ‘You reap what you sow’, especially when it comes to treating people like this wih such malicious intent.
Ill be praying for you!!!
And like, while I dont know how else I can help you from so far away, at least feel free to message me privately if you need someone to talk with or vent to. We Christians really need to be looking out for each other, regardless of whether our brothers and sisters in Christ are in good or bad situations...
I do hope that you’ll be able to get out of this situation, cut off all contact with those who’ve treated you so cruelly, and find people who will give you genuine love and grace.
I'll be rooting for you as you find a way forward.
Its sounds as if you would be better off without this 'family'. I really hope you can getthe proper help, that you need and want. Feel hugged!
Focus in developing a skills for career like the trades, accounting, IT or job stuff. Best to cut all ties of unhealthy family and move out of that area to a new home. Self supportive and try to save the money for a new chapter of life.
I hope you get the help you need and if you need anything I'm here for ya. We all are here for you, dude. :(
Im sorry all this has happened and I can only pray your year is better this year.
I know I may not be much help in any of this but I am trying to comfort you the best way I can, even though it's extremely hard for me. What I'm trying to say is this: That is the worst help imaginable, and if you have a steady income, move out and block them all! I hope you get better, man. I'm really concerned about you!
I don't know what to say...I really hope that things get better
medications can certainly help people, but it seems like she didn't take into account what it would do to you. i already find it bad enough that i get nauseous when i try new ones.
i hope the new year is kinder on you, i wish you all the best.
You're around plenty who adore and love you Hungo even if you can't reach, see, or be close to them unless you move to where they are. But even with such a great distance, there's still just as grand love and care. Way more than what your family is providing at least, probably even a thousand-fold more. I've met plenty of people who have been in your shoes with the medications and I absolutely hate it that people prescribe medications like it's gonna help, that only makes it worse, makes them feel like they need to rely on it to be "normal" like other people.
I know you've heard this and said it to yourself plenty, but hang on and push, get away from what is making you depressed, what is making you feel like your life is just torment. Cut yourself off from them and find others who will respect you, what you have going on and will care. Probably not meaning a lot form someone you just met but, I saw this Journal and felt anger and sorrow at the same time. I'm sorry that this has happened to you, hungo.
And that evil psychiatrist can go to hell! I'm surprised she's not been reported yet, she needs to go to fucking prison for this BS!
First and foremost.
Family are just the folks you're related to. They are no different than the everyday person you meet and should not hold special considerations. If they are being terrible, they are being terrible. Don't feel guilt for that if it's there.
Unfortunately, I understand the Psychiatry bit slightly. Got stuck on an anti- depressant as a child for eight years that dulled all emotions until I was "acceptable" enough to not actively consider darker things. Coupled with misguided faith, It's simply left me giving everything I make away, just to stave off the hopeless with a shallow sense of being worth what I give.
I'm still working on breaking that down into something healthy. And I wish you luck as it sounds like you've been in it far longer and deeper and held better than I have. You have a strength and resilience. You'll make it. I'm between jobs right now, so I've not got much to give, but if some aid is needed, let me know. I can't guarantee anything, but I'll give a look on what I might have available.
Oh, and don't worry too much about the other journal, the venting may have been helpful in getting some of that off the chest. If you happen to need someone to listen, just lemme know and I'll be happy to, whether by discord or telegram. I can't guarantee a response, but having someone to tell can sometimes help.
Better luck to ya in the meantime.
God has not left you. He was with you before, he is with you now, and he will remain with you. Continue to trust him and lean on his strength and he will carry you through this.
Keeping you in my prayers.