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identity stuff (vent/update)
3 years ago
hey there! i haven't yet made a journal on this account since i created it, so i'm typing this as a way to kinda get to know where i'm at right now.
recently i've been coming into this weird bout of identity issues that i find to be almost cyclical. i'll be feeling very good and euphoric for a week or a few, and then comes the inevitable downswing of feeling not only intense dysphoria but also questioning who i even am entirely.
these types of feelings also have an adverse effect on how i portray myself online through my fursona. it has happened so many times where i design a brand new shiny fursona for myself, feeling over the moon about how cool the design is and how much i connect to it, only for it to spoil overtime and for me to lose interest in it. its not that i hate these previous iterations of my fursona, quite the contrary actually! i just rely way too much on fleeting emotional highs to change everything about myself, and always end up unsatisfied when what i have to fall back on is haphazard and rushed. i'm quite confident in my ability to design characters, but when it comes to making one to represent me, i always fall flat and don't know where to really go.
i try to include staple parts of my identity into my designs: my red curly hair, my love of the supernatural, magical abilites, connection to nature, but even these motifs dont end up holding weight. skelly is a perfectly good design, and i really like them a lot! maybe i could iterate on the skeletal bear a bit more to feel more happy with it. for now though, i just am getting towards this more despondent, unsatisfied, empty feeling again. and i hate that. i love skelly, and i know others really do too! but something about it feels too impulsive again. just like cherub, patch, chow, bug, and any fursona before them, i'm once again feeling like i didn't hit the mark quite yet. this could just be my self doubt talking, i won't do anything rash yet.
i just wish i knew how to feel satisfied with myself, and that i knew who i wanted to be without relying on momentary fleeting feelings. maybe i'm just too young to have myself figured out in that way yet, hell i can barely even keep a gender identity straight. i have a lot of growing to do, i just wish it wasn't so wasteful. my fursona is a thing thats deeply personal to me, like an extension of my soul that can speak for me when i feel that i can't. i want to do it justice, but i never can. i envy those who can know their perfect design so instantly and establish it.
thanks for reading, feel free to ask me about anything or offer advice, its welcome.
recently i've been coming into this weird bout of identity issues that i find to be almost cyclical. i'll be feeling very good and euphoric for a week or a few, and then comes the inevitable downswing of feeling not only intense dysphoria but also questioning who i even am entirely.
these types of feelings also have an adverse effect on how i portray myself online through my fursona. it has happened so many times where i design a brand new shiny fursona for myself, feeling over the moon about how cool the design is and how much i connect to it, only for it to spoil overtime and for me to lose interest in it. its not that i hate these previous iterations of my fursona, quite the contrary actually! i just rely way too much on fleeting emotional highs to change everything about myself, and always end up unsatisfied when what i have to fall back on is haphazard and rushed. i'm quite confident in my ability to design characters, but when it comes to making one to represent me, i always fall flat and don't know where to really go.
i try to include staple parts of my identity into my designs: my red curly hair, my love of the supernatural, magical abilites, connection to nature, but even these motifs dont end up holding weight. skelly is a perfectly good design, and i really like them a lot! maybe i could iterate on the skeletal bear a bit more to feel more happy with it. for now though, i just am getting towards this more despondent, unsatisfied, empty feeling again. and i hate that. i love skelly, and i know others really do too! but something about it feels too impulsive again. just like cherub, patch, chow, bug, and any fursona before them, i'm once again feeling like i didn't hit the mark quite yet. this could just be my self doubt talking, i won't do anything rash yet.
i just wish i knew how to feel satisfied with myself, and that i knew who i wanted to be without relying on momentary fleeting feelings. maybe i'm just too young to have myself figured out in that way yet, hell i can barely even keep a gender identity straight. i have a lot of growing to do, i just wish it wasn't so wasteful. my fursona is a thing thats deeply personal to me, like an extension of my soul that can speak for me when i feel that i can't. i want to do it justice, but i never can. i envy those who can know their perfect design so instantly and establish it.
thanks for reading, feel free to ask me about anything or offer advice, its welcome.
It can feel unfair that most other people have their own self figured out, and they have a single word to describe themselves that makes them proud.
I think you’re right in saying that maybe age might be playing a role here, but no one deserves to feel dysphoria, no matter their age or life experience.
I’m still very much figuring myself out as well, but I found it very helpful to let myself be more than one thing. To not have a single label associated to myself and trying to ride that kind of fluidity rather than fight against it!
I hope that you’ll be able to find some serenity soon, and that while you’re in search of it, that you’ll be kind to yourself and take it slow :)