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Daily Journal 23
2 years ago
(just noticed i missed count)
Tonight I finally finished FF9, and with it I am left with a hole of nothing to work towards. But there is something: I am going to undertake probably the most difficult piece of writing to nail there is: fanfiction.
Because the destruction of Burmecia and Cleyra was so impactful to me, and the rebuilding of these places is only ever implied to be possible and never actually done within the game's story, I want to take a shot at correcting that and write a piece detailing these events as they took place in the near future from the postgame.
My goal with this is absolute, I do not want this to become something where I write a page at most and then never touch it again, I'm setting a deadline at the end of March to have this done, if I can't do it nor can I give a valid excuse as to why it wasn't completed. I will consider dropping the creative endeavor of writing as a whole, for the reason being: If i can't commit to this, then I cannot commit to completing any creative work. It sound harsh, and maybe a bit too much for someone so amateurish, but this is something I feel I must do. Now would be a good time to discuss the pitfalls that I have with writing:
Obviously, the main problem I face is motivation. Writing is a very solitary activity, one that requires a sharp focus, and I have the misfortune of having a mental condition that specifically dampens my focus and provides no added bonus of hyperfixation. So I would write with something on in the background, and then get focused on said thing instead of my work. The solution isn't turn the distraction off, as my trailing mind needs something other than dead silence to work. Instead I need to pick the perfect thing to put on so that I am in a sweet spot of focus. These do exist in the form of art streams, long-form videos with little commentary, and music streams. The problem is that finding the right video within this genre is a challenge of itself.
The second hurdle I face when writing is my energy level. I don't know how a job where I sit all day and talk to people could leave me so tired in the evening, but the reality is that it does. I cannot do anything about this, I've tried every which way to stay awake without the use of consumable energy boosters, but these are the only thing that can keep me up consistently past 9pm. I might come up with more ideas, but the reality is that my body wants me to sleep. I can't deny it forever, doing so would be devastating for my health in the future, but I also detest the fact that I have to submit. I don't like the job I work, I don't like that I have to be there for so long, and i can't stand it taking even more time from me, be it from being tired or me actually worrying about the work I do and wishing I could do it better. In my mind, I know there is one definitive answer to this problem: Pure unending drive and willpower to accomplish my goal. I wish to the stars that I can find it within myself to push and struggle to finally start and finish something I want to do so badly. My greatest fear is that this passion simply doesn't exist in my personality. I hate this idea, it makes me feel like i'm broken and chronically lazy. I want so badly to be able to be passionate about something enough to have drive. But. It's. Just. Not. There. I have had the fortune of being able to function well with my condition and not have the need for medication, but if this is a hole, if this is my disability, then I will need to make an appointment with a doctor soon.
The bottom line to all of this is that I want to try. Not write a few paragraphs over the course of a week and then say I tried after giving up, I mean really try. I need to know if I can do this, I need to know if I can overcome my condition by adapting to it, I need to know if it's possible, because if it isn't then I need to do the necessary steps to make it possible. My life has not been one full of accomplishment, I have a six-year bachelor's in a major that I can't do anything with and with a GPA that is quite literally bare minimum. I have a job that I don't want and am ashamed to talk about, there's no future for me in that career, I know that and yet I'm stuck with it for who knows how long. The only thing I have, the only thing I want the most, is to pursue creativity. If this turns out to be impossible, then I need to reconsider everything. My online presence, my hobbies, my goals, my path to the future. If I can't write, then I should just work. Work all day and sleep to work all day again, repeat until I'm making a living, then work more to earn more, then own more, then work even more after that, until I'm retired, then maybe I could give writing another try. That's not a life I want, but it's one I may be forced to have.
So that's that, I didn't want this to end on a sad note, this post was meant to motivate me, and there are parts of it that have, but I have a terrible feeling of doubt in my gut. The odds are stacked against me, I might fail and I don't want to. I wish it were that easy to simply refuse to give up, but my brain doesn't work that way.
I want to try. Try, and whether I fail or succeed, I will know what comes next
Tonight I finally finished FF9, and with it I am left with a hole of nothing to work towards. But there is something: I am going to undertake probably the most difficult piece of writing to nail there is: fanfiction.
Because the destruction of Burmecia and Cleyra was so impactful to me, and the rebuilding of these places is only ever implied to be possible and never actually done within the game's story, I want to take a shot at correcting that and write a piece detailing these events as they took place in the near future from the postgame.
My goal with this is absolute, I do not want this to become something where I write a page at most and then never touch it again, I'm setting a deadline at the end of March to have this done, if I can't do it nor can I give a valid excuse as to why it wasn't completed. I will consider dropping the creative endeavor of writing as a whole, for the reason being: If i can't commit to this, then I cannot commit to completing any creative work. It sound harsh, and maybe a bit too much for someone so amateurish, but this is something I feel I must do. Now would be a good time to discuss the pitfalls that I have with writing:
Obviously, the main problem I face is motivation. Writing is a very solitary activity, one that requires a sharp focus, and I have the misfortune of having a mental condition that specifically dampens my focus and provides no added bonus of hyperfixation. So I would write with something on in the background, and then get focused on said thing instead of my work. The solution isn't turn the distraction off, as my trailing mind needs something other than dead silence to work. Instead I need to pick the perfect thing to put on so that I am in a sweet spot of focus. These do exist in the form of art streams, long-form videos with little commentary, and music streams. The problem is that finding the right video within this genre is a challenge of itself.
The second hurdle I face when writing is my energy level. I don't know how a job where I sit all day and talk to people could leave me so tired in the evening, but the reality is that it does. I cannot do anything about this, I've tried every which way to stay awake without the use of consumable energy boosters, but these are the only thing that can keep me up consistently past 9pm. I might come up with more ideas, but the reality is that my body wants me to sleep. I can't deny it forever, doing so would be devastating for my health in the future, but I also detest the fact that I have to submit. I don't like the job I work, I don't like that I have to be there for so long, and i can't stand it taking even more time from me, be it from being tired or me actually worrying about the work I do and wishing I could do it better. In my mind, I know there is one definitive answer to this problem: Pure unending drive and willpower to accomplish my goal. I wish to the stars that I can find it within myself to push and struggle to finally start and finish something I want to do so badly. My greatest fear is that this passion simply doesn't exist in my personality. I hate this idea, it makes me feel like i'm broken and chronically lazy. I want so badly to be able to be passionate about something enough to have drive. But. It's. Just. Not. There. I have had the fortune of being able to function well with my condition and not have the need for medication, but if this is a hole, if this is my disability, then I will need to make an appointment with a doctor soon.
The bottom line to all of this is that I want to try. Not write a few paragraphs over the course of a week and then say I tried after giving up, I mean really try. I need to know if I can do this, I need to know if I can overcome my condition by adapting to it, I need to know if it's possible, because if it isn't then I need to do the necessary steps to make it possible. My life has not been one full of accomplishment, I have a six-year bachelor's in a major that I can't do anything with and with a GPA that is quite literally bare minimum. I have a job that I don't want and am ashamed to talk about, there's no future for me in that career, I know that and yet I'm stuck with it for who knows how long. The only thing I have, the only thing I want the most, is to pursue creativity. If this turns out to be impossible, then I need to reconsider everything. My online presence, my hobbies, my goals, my path to the future. If I can't write, then I should just work. Work all day and sleep to work all day again, repeat until I'm making a living, then work more to earn more, then own more, then work even more after that, until I'm retired, then maybe I could give writing another try. That's not a life I want, but it's one I may be forced to have.
So that's that, I didn't want this to end on a sad note, this post was meant to motivate me, and there are parts of it that have, but I have a terrible feeling of doubt in my gut. The odds are stacked against me, I might fail and I don't want to. I wish it were that easy to simply refuse to give up, but my brain doesn't work that way.
I want to try. Try, and whether I fail or succeed, I will know what comes next
