So, I've been up all night, and I have work in about 2 hours.. I get to work a 9 hour day and miss Bowling for the first time in, 3 years. Then be up by 7am tomorrow morning and work another 9 hour day, have 2 hours in between then go to D&D.

But I've spent the last hour peruseing through LJ, kinda sorta catching up a little. And for some reason, I decided that I'll post and vent here.. as usual.

Yesterday when I was working, I came across the DVD set for Ugly Betty. It brought to mind a conversation I had with Woody several years ago. In this conversation, we were talking about the character, and How she was "ugly" but had a beautiful personality. By the context of the conversation, i felt like he was inferring that.. I had a bad personality.. It made me feel like I was a bad person. Granted, I've been called a bad person from time to time....

But It got me to thinking. I know I have low self-esteme. That's as obvious as Hugh Heffner's sexual orientation. But it seems this all makes me a bad person. I';m not mean to anybody, I won't take advantage of a person for my own gain, I won't hurt someone intentionally, I won't steal, go around begging for money than useing it all to pay for commissions... I don't see everyone out their as sexual objects to use then dump... I have a few flaws, I can be slightly posessive, jump to conclusions, and have a couple issues with jealousy. But.. Why does it seem that those 3 flaws, make me worse than anyone who does the things i mentioned before that?

But the thing that became most clear to me, in my train of thought.. Is that.. As a person, I'm broken. I feel like I'm crushed. Last night I was listening to KnotCast, and they talked about the way to counter low self esteme.. and it was suggested to Focus on your strengths. I look at myself, I see None. Nada... I recall a statement from a friend named Tsume.. he marvled at how much talent could be found in this fandom. I see no talent in myself. Every time I think there is something I'm good at.. I get shot down. Fursuiting, Drawing, Singing even.. It's sad that, while part of me wants to be a singer, I know NONE of my friends would ever listen to my stuff.

Positive Reinforcement has been rare to non-exsistant in the last 5 years of my life. It's almost always discouragement. It became more rewarding to just stop trying. Why draw, It's going to suck anyway, and nobody will care, not even enough to give you tips. Why Fursuit, nobody will notice you anyway, no matter how much effort I put into trying to be entertaining. Why Work out, most people will still think i'm ugly. Why be a good friend? They'll just find someone more talented, better looking, or whatever more valueable and worth their time.

Maybe it's why I like working at Walmart, the bar is so low, how can I not excel.