I feel like I should leave a bit of a monthly update on things that have been going on with me over the past couple months (March barely even started so far) and thankfully things have gotten better since this month has begun.
I appreciate everyone who gave me support throughout this whole process of me being mentally unable to get through certain challenges I was facing. I hope to be able to word things as best as I can without getting into too much graphic detail and possibly raising any eyebrows too high.

~CONTEXT~

This past January are you might know was most certainly the darkest time in my life. I was working on art with practically all my time, I was stressed about my next semester in college starting, my friends was going through a few issues of their own that I had the need to comfort them with in regards to drama/family/financial issues/etc, I secluded myself to an unhealthy degree unless it were for folks I was working for or discord groups they were in where I can work on their art with them there if I could, my personal health was dwindling (I wasn't sleeping, I was overeating to keep myself awake at points, I neglected personal hygiene, etc.), and it eventually led to me reaching a breaking point that has built up in me for over a decade (these "lifelong irreversible" thoughts were there since I was 13).

I've already talked about this before but I was on the brink of being ready for "my time to go", and thankfully my mom, being the angel that she is, took me to an E.R. at the right time because she came home for lunch during her break and got me some urgent help that I desperately needed. I got put in an in-patient therapeutic care unit, stayed there a few nights, got home, and put my commission queue I had on hold until further notice, I didn't worry about work, school, any form of art, avoided outside drama as much as possible, and things just started looking up for the better from there.

~FAST FORWARD A WEEK~

I start going into out-patient therapeutic care, which for me was a 5-day program every week (Monday-Friday) where I would be taken to a mental hospital to learn/act on coping skills and get the care I needed for me to be "fixed" for a lack of a better term. The first week I felt no different, but that was after I was just starting my new medication after I left my in-patient care unit when they diagnosed me with bipolar disorder (there's other things too but I don't want to speak of them too heavily other than that). These past few weeks I've been in the program (I started the Program on the last week of January, and am still in it and will be in it for another 3 more weeks, but now that I have been in this program for this long, things are looking up for the better I think.

~FINALLY SOME GOOD THINGS TO SAY~

Today is March 4th. It's a Saturday, don't have any form of therapy today, but even right now, as I am writing this, I feel pretty uplifted. I've been thinking about my accomplishments more rather than discounting them (which actually is a Cognitive Distortion, I learned that in therapy, it's called "Discounting the Positives"). I've brought a journal to these sessions every day since I've started and wrote a lot and I think I've took in a lot of what there was to learn. Sure things are not perfect and they probably will never be but I am making good steps to help myself the best I can.

I am also trying to think about myself more. It sounds selfish writing it out to some degree but I have neglected my own issues for too long now, I can't do that anymore. If something frustrates or upsets me, or if there is something bothering me, I will express it somehow rather than hold it in, because that would be a failure to invoke Boundaries (which was something else I've learned about in therapy too).

I have taken myself away from problematic people, problematic groups, folks who give me stress or make me uncomfortable, and have drawn things I've wanted and have enjoyed making. Again, this isn't perfect, I have had moments where I have felt pressured into doing certain things for folks I know and there have been people who have tried to push drama on me, but I do my best to not get involved, and at this rate, I think it's best to disassociate myself with people who don't bring me happiness of any kind, because I wouldn't want to condone their behavior and I don't want to be someone on the receiving end of their issues.

I have been doing better about thinking about me. I am able to give myself credit where credit is due and I am able to see the good I have. This takes time and that is obvious, but things are looking better now. Sure I am still not going to open comms for a little while, but I have been doing my best to get back in the swing of things with art as I've been making doodles on my iPad and little drawings for friends for fun, that's been very nice to get to do that.

I do have some flaws I need to fix though. My anxiety is there but it tends to not be sadness that brings me down, I am noticing my anger is getting higher, which is not great but it is a form of expressing myself, but I need to work on that. I don't want to lash out at people and I do not want to do anything I'd regret, ya know. Been on the receiving end of that enough times to know that's not fun. I also need to work on not caring too hard on what others think of me. That is a hard one, I have to admit, it still is. It's that strange thought I tell myself of "Pfft, my life, I am happy doing it", then I look at twitter or FA thinking "darn it nobody else did though". Of course I don't say any of it out loud but you know what I mean. That also sparks from online dramas too, mainly that, that probably would've been a better example but again, point is there.

~FINAL THOUGHTS~

There is a lot I need to improve on still but for an update's concerns, things are looking up for the better, and I am very excited to see how this improving will continue.
Thank you everybody who's supported me throughout these couple months and beyond. It's been super rough but a lot of you kept me going. Thank you.