FA+
Shop
Splatoon and boyfriend
2 years ago
Two quick notes:
I'm on Splatoon 3. If you ever want to play with me, my username is currently Arben Sear. When my competitive university team gets back together, I'll go by -CI> Ray. Either way, I'll be hanging out in the "Furry" pool. I play almost daily, so find me there!
Also, I now have a boyfriend! :) We're still in the early stages of our relationship, but it's shaping up to be good. He's an independent leatherworker that makes fetish gear, so I might have to model for y'all sometime soon ;3
*****
In general: university is going well. This is my spring break week of my second semester back at college. I'm currently taking Algorithms and Data Structures, which is fundamental to basically all of computer science. It's also a "weeder" class: it's incredibly difficult (or, rather, it takes a lot of work), and anyone who wants to properly become a computer science major at my college must get at least a B- in this class. I'm not worried, as I warped my whole schedule around this class to give me all the time in the world, but it's still been tough. I'll regularly spend 12-15 hours per week on the class's assignment.
Spring break was very welcome. Unfortunately, my boyfriend got sick (and I somehow didn't?!), so I haven't been able to spend tons of time with him like we hoped.
I feel like I'm more or less where I want to be socially. I've grown a strong sense of community by spending time with my friends. I've figured out how I want to approach friends with benefits and have made peace with most of my time commitments. There seems to be no limit to my social life -- I've started hosting my own activities, a good way to stay close to everyone when I can't meet with them individually.
I've started dating -- seriously dating, dating romantically, with guys (er, a guy) who could become my partner(s), not just hanging out with people I happen to have sex with -- which was another big aspiration of mine. [I think some of my earlier relationships were and still are somewhat romantic, but it's complicated. This is the first time it's been "okay, let's be in a relationship."]
I've also come out to my extended family, which was one of the last milestones I had left before I would call myself fully "out." It's not that I was scared of their response; the reason I waited so long was because I didn't want to upset my mother. My mom has early onset dementia and is in a care home. When I came out to the rest of my immediate family, I talked for a while with my father about whether I should tell my mother. He counseled that I avoid doing so, as it might upset her, it might become something she fixates on, and she didn't appear to have the capacity to understand. My parents are pretty devout Mormon, and while they're both open-minded, we had no way of knowing how my mom might react in her condition.
I'm very close with my family, my dad included, and I respected my father's advice. I didn't tell my mom I was gay. A side effect of this is I couldn't tell anyone tied to my childhood that I was gay, as I figured that news would travel faster and farther than the addendum "Oh, and don't tell my mom."
It took me years to realize, but one day I came to the conclusion that I should tell my mom. I realized that it's okay to be gay. Requiring me to be silent to not upset other people (even people who don't have a normal emotional capacity), while well-intentioned, is a toxic thing. It might keep the peace, but it has a side effect: it teaches me (and everyone else) that there's something wrong with being gay. That it's okay to be gay, but not around certain people.
I put the text I sent to my dad below. It's a wall of text, skip it if you want.
Hey dad, I’ve been thinking about how I haven’t told mom that I’m gay, or even that I’m a furry. I’m not sure it’s right to hold my tongue.
Honestly, the only thing that has kept me from telling my extended family that I’m gay or posting about it on social media* is mom. If our extended family or people from our home ward found out, then — as I have previously explained — I would expect the news that I’m gay would travel much faster than the rider “please don’t tell [my mom's name].” Furthermore, it feels a little strange to say such a thing, doesn’t it: “Hey, I’m gay, I’m okay with everyone in the world knowing except for my mother.”
(*Not that I’m on social media much at all, but there’s a bit of hidden internal conflict when it comes to relationships from my mission)
I understand the concern that me telling mom I’m gay or that I’m not active in the church could potentially upset her. I’m not saying I want to go tell her today or that I have concrete plans. I simply mean to state that I think we need to consider the drawbacks of me keeping quiet to me and to my relationship with mom. I don’t think you realize what affects it has on me. I don’t think *I* realize what affects it has on me — in a way, it’s like toxic positivity: well intentioned but harmful in reality. In a way, it’s also like “don’t ask don’t tell” or the defense of marriage law or things like that. I can see how I would look at my situation and think it’s okay, that it’s my responsibility to not disrupt mom.
But I don’t think should be put on me to deal with the consequences. I think it’s important to recognize that there is a deep psychological cost to me not telling mom. It isn’t just a matter of convenience, it’s not just that I’d like to be able to date a guy in public without worrying about the .01% chance that someone from our family sees me, it’s that me having to be quiet teaches me subconsciously that in some way, there is something wrong about being gay.
Really, I think that is the thing I’m getting at (a bit of an epiphany, if you will). I think our decision to remain silent — your advice*, and my acceptance — operates on the underlying assumption that being gay is in some way wrong. I wouldn’t be reserved about being gay simply because a stranger expressed disgust about my orientation. I wouldn’t hide it even if it might make someone uncomfortable. If or when I get a partner, or even just a boyfriend, I would expect to be able to take them to the same social functions that any straight person in a similar situation would. If there were someone in our extended family who would want to reject me, fine, let them deal with that, it’s their problem. I think in a similar way, even with mom’s situation, it’s her problem. I would of course do my best to not upset her, though the help I could offer is limited.
(*And I’m not seeking for approval, or permission, or I don’t think I am. I involve you in this almost internal dialog because I respect that you are an important authority figure to me, and in some ways I’m still a little uncertain, and so I am in a way reaching out to you for validation… But I think I want to tell mom, and if I do arrive at that conclusion when you would still tell me to be silent, I would disagree, and hope you would forgive me.)
I don’t mean to say that I want to cause problems or draw attention to myself or shake things up — (if I were invited to a relative’s house, but I knew their stance on homosexuality, I would have to weigh whether their company would be worth the scorn) — but that the well intentioned idea that some lifestyle choices are acceptable just so long as those choices don’t disturb others is old fashioned and unreasonable. The old lady sitting on a park bench might feel her day is soured when a gay couple walks by holding hands, but she won’t become suicidal over it. The same could be said for a belief in exclusively heterosexual marriage versus the legalizing gay marriage. I respect that you and others might hold different beliefs — the idea that it’s wrong for someone to believe something, or even to act on that belief, has dangers of its own! — but I still insist. The psychological toll is currently much stronger for sexual minorities than it is for the majority, at least per capita, as it is for women, ethnic minorities, and other repressed groups.
In any case, I’m ranting. Let me get back on topic.
I think I should tell mom that I’m gay. I don’t know exactly how yet. There is a risk it upsets or confuses her, but there is a known cost to me staying silent: the subconscious lesson that there is something wrong with being gay, which can have heavy consequences.
Two closing thoughts:
There is a risk that me telling mom I’m gay makes her suicidal or otherwise is a huge negative to her well-being. I haven’t begun to explore how I feel about that. What I wrote above was trying to call attention to the fact that me staying silent has a cost, though I know I state something stronger in my big text.
About being furry: I think that it’s an important part of myself that I shouldn’t hide from mom. I agree that telling her I’m a furry in the same way that I might tell her I’m gay would probably really confuse her, and I agree that I shouldn’t tell her in the same way, but I don’t think I should hide things like my fursuit from her. I think I should be able to post stuff like convention photos in chats with her in it. She’ll probably have questions at some point, but those are things I can explain. It doesn’t need to be a big thing.
Below is my dad's response.
Be true to yourself. If you’re ready for that conversation then tell her. That’s strictly between you and her.
I didn’t mean to imply that you should be ashamed (you should never be ashamed of who you are) or be untrue to yourself. At the time that we talked mom was highly anxious. She’s more even now - because of meds or disease progression - and you were less certain of how you would be presenting yourself. I wouldn’t worry about mom’s reaction. Honestly, I’m not sure if she’ll remember.
You don’t needs to share all the details, or show up wearing your fur suit (unless you really want to). (She might remember that!)
Live your life and your choices. You never know who will see your social media posts, but so what. I’ve blogged in excruciating detail how I agonized about pulling a Foley catheter through my penis, then did it, so I’m pretty blasé about it. Then again, I don’t read other people’s social media. The [family name] and [family name] do, as well as some people from our [my hometown name] community, and a few small-minded heads might explode, but that’s their problem. Haters gonna hate. Effem. Do what you think is right.
Love you!
...You might wonder why I'm so open, and on a porn site of all things. I think it's a few reasons. First, I figure there are people who would really benefit from hearing what I have to say on here. I'm not saying that everyone should take leaps of faith and put themselves out there, as not everyone has the family and community I do; rather, I do this because building a narrative of our stories is important (as LGBT+, as furries, as the social "others"). Second, I also figure that this is one of the safest spaces I could ever share in, at least online. My profile isn't big enough to draw haters, I don't think. If anyone is ever a dick, I'll give them a good what-for via site administration and about fifty thousand words in response. ...I really don't think it'll be worth their time to read everything I'd write ;P They'd probably move on, lol
*****
Jumping back: I think I'm where I want to be, socially. I'm doing well, professionally, too: my choice to go back to college feels right. Computer science is difficult, engaging, and rewarding. I've put everything else aside to study, cancelling plans, spending long hours in the computer lab with my coding partner, letting myself be wholly consumed by the task at hand, and it's good, it's right, there's nothing I'd rather be doing. I have a grasp on my progress -- I can see myself growing -- which is wild, as normally growth isn't so fast and so self-visible.
Anyway, I'm sure I've about talked your ear off. Go find something to fap to or whatever, haha
I'm on Splatoon 3. If you ever want to play with me, my username is currently Arben Sear. When my competitive university team gets back together, I'll go by -CI> Ray. Either way, I'll be hanging out in the "Furry" pool. I play almost daily, so find me there!
Also, I now have a boyfriend! :) We're still in the early stages of our relationship, but it's shaping up to be good. He's an independent leatherworker that makes fetish gear, so I might have to model for y'all sometime soon ;3
*****
In general: university is going well. This is my spring break week of my second semester back at college. I'm currently taking Algorithms and Data Structures, which is fundamental to basically all of computer science. It's also a "weeder" class: it's incredibly difficult (or, rather, it takes a lot of work), and anyone who wants to properly become a computer science major at my college must get at least a B- in this class. I'm not worried, as I warped my whole schedule around this class to give me all the time in the world, but it's still been tough. I'll regularly spend 12-15 hours per week on the class's assignment.
Spring break was very welcome. Unfortunately, my boyfriend got sick (and I somehow didn't?!), so I haven't been able to spend tons of time with him like we hoped.
I feel like I'm more or less where I want to be socially. I've grown a strong sense of community by spending time with my friends. I've figured out how I want to approach friends with benefits and have made peace with most of my time commitments. There seems to be no limit to my social life -- I've started hosting my own activities, a good way to stay close to everyone when I can't meet with them individually.
I've started dating -- seriously dating, dating romantically, with guys (er, a guy) who could become my partner(s), not just hanging out with people I happen to have sex with -- which was another big aspiration of mine. [I think some of my earlier relationships were and still are somewhat romantic, but it's complicated. This is the first time it's been "okay, let's be in a relationship."]
I've also come out to my extended family, which was one of the last milestones I had left before I would call myself fully "out." It's not that I was scared of their response; the reason I waited so long was because I didn't want to upset my mother. My mom has early onset dementia and is in a care home. When I came out to the rest of my immediate family, I talked for a while with my father about whether I should tell my mother. He counseled that I avoid doing so, as it might upset her, it might become something she fixates on, and she didn't appear to have the capacity to understand. My parents are pretty devout Mormon, and while they're both open-minded, we had no way of knowing how my mom might react in her condition.
I'm very close with my family, my dad included, and I respected my father's advice. I didn't tell my mom I was gay. A side effect of this is I couldn't tell anyone tied to my childhood that I was gay, as I figured that news would travel faster and farther than the addendum "Oh, and don't tell my mom."
It took me years to realize, but one day I came to the conclusion that I should tell my mom. I realized that it's okay to be gay. Requiring me to be silent to not upset other people (even people who don't have a normal emotional capacity), while well-intentioned, is a toxic thing. It might keep the peace, but it has a side effect: it teaches me (and everyone else) that there's something wrong with being gay. That it's okay to be gay, but not around certain people.
I put the text I sent to my dad below. It's a wall of text, skip it if you want.
Hey dad, I’ve been thinking about how I haven’t told mom that I’m gay, or even that I’m a furry. I’m not sure it’s right to hold my tongue.
Honestly, the only thing that has kept me from telling my extended family that I’m gay or posting about it on social media* is mom. If our extended family or people from our home ward found out, then — as I have previously explained — I would expect the news that I’m gay would travel much faster than the rider “please don’t tell [my mom's name].” Furthermore, it feels a little strange to say such a thing, doesn’t it: “Hey, I’m gay, I’m okay with everyone in the world knowing except for my mother.”
(*Not that I’m on social media much at all, but there’s a bit of hidden internal conflict when it comes to relationships from my mission)
I understand the concern that me telling mom I’m gay or that I’m not active in the church could potentially upset her. I’m not saying I want to go tell her today or that I have concrete plans. I simply mean to state that I think we need to consider the drawbacks of me keeping quiet to me and to my relationship with mom. I don’t think you realize what affects it has on me. I don’t think *I* realize what affects it has on me — in a way, it’s like toxic positivity: well intentioned but harmful in reality. In a way, it’s also like “don’t ask don’t tell” or the defense of marriage law or things like that. I can see how I would look at my situation and think it’s okay, that it’s my responsibility to not disrupt mom.
But I don’t think should be put on me to deal with the consequences. I think it’s important to recognize that there is a deep psychological cost to me not telling mom. It isn’t just a matter of convenience, it’s not just that I’d like to be able to date a guy in public without worrying about the .01% chance that someone from our family sees me, it’s that me having to be quiet teaches me subconsciously that in some way, there is something wrong about being gay.
Really, I think that is the thing I’m getting at (a bit of an epiphany, if you will). I think our decision to remain silent — your advice*, and my acceptance — operates on the underlying assumption that being gay is in some way wrong. I wouldn’t be reserved about being gay simply because a stranger expressed disgust about my orientation. I wouldn’t hide it even if it might make someone uncomfortable. If or when I get a partner, or even just a boyfriend, I would expect to be able to take them to the same social functions that any straight person in a similar situation would. If there were someone in our extended family who would want to reject me, fine, let them deal with that, it’s their problem. I think in a similar way, even with mom’s situation, it’s her problem. I would of course do my best to not upset her, though the help I could offer is limited.
(*And I’m not seeking for approval, or permission, or I don’t think I am. I involve you in this almost internal dialog because I respect that you are an important authority figure to me, and in some ways I’m still a little uncertain, and so I am in a way reaching out to you for validation… But I think I want to tell mom, and if I do arrive at that conclusion when you would still tell me to be silent, I would disagree, and hope you would forgive me.)
I don’t mean to say that I want to cause problems or draw attention to myself or shake things up — (if I were invited to a relative’s house, but I knew their stance on homosexuality, I would have to weigh whether their company would be worth the scorn) — but that the well intentioned idea that some lifestyle choices are acceptable just so long as those choices don’t disturb others is old fashioned and unreasonable. The old lady sitting on a park bench might feel her day is soured when a gay couple walks by holding hands, but she won’t become suicidal over it. The same could be said for a belief in exclusively heterosexual marriage versus the legalizing gay marriage. I respect that you and others might hold different beliefs — the idea that it’s wrong for someone to believe something, or even to act on that belief, has dangers of its own! — but I still insist. The psychological toll is currently much stronger for sexual minorities than it is for the majority, at least per capita, as it is for women, ethnic minorities, and other repressed groups.
In any case, I’m ranting. Let me get back on topic.
I think I should tell mom that I’m gay. I don’t know exactly how yet. There is a risk it upsets or confuses her, but there is a known cost to me staying silent: the subconscious lesson that there is something wrong with being gay, which can have heavy consequences.
Two closing thoughts:
There is a risk that me telling mom I’m gay makes her suicidal or otherwise is a huge negative to her well-being. I haven’t begun to explore how I feel about that. What I wrote above was trying to call attention to the fact that me staying silent has a cost, though I know I state something stronger in my big text.
About being furry: I think that it’s an important part of myself that I shouldn’t hide from mom. I agree that telling her I’m a furry in the same way that I might tell her I’m gay would probably really confuse her, and I agree that I shouldn’t tell her in the same way, but I don’t think I should hide things like my fursuit from her. I think I should be able to post stuff like convention photos in chats with her in it. She’ll probably have questions at some point, but those are things I can explain. It doesn’t need to be a big thing.
Below is my dad's response.
Be true to yourself. If you’re ready for that conversation then tell her. That’s strictly between you and her.
I didn’t mean to imply that you should be ashamed (you should never be ashamed of who you are) or be untrue to yourself. At the time that we talked mom was highly anxious. She’s more even now - because of meds or disease progression - and you were less certain of how you would be presenting yourself. I wouldn’t worry about mom’s reaction. Honestly, I’m not sure if she’ll remember.
You don’t needs to share all the details, or show up wearing your fur suit (unless you really want to). (She might remember that!)
Live your life and your choices. You never know who will see your social media posts, but so what. I’ve blogged in excruciating detail how I agonized about pulling a Foley catheter through my penis, then did it, so I’m pretty blasé about it. Then again, I don’t read other people’s social media. The [family name] and [family name] do, as well as some people from our [my hometown name] community, and a few small-minded heads might explode, but that’s their problem. Haters gonna hate. Effem. Do what you think is right.
Love you!
...You might wonder why I'm so open, and on a porn site of all things. I think it's a few reasons. First, I figure there are people who would really benefit from hearing what I have to say on here. I'm not saying that everyone should take leaps of faith and put themselves out there, as not everyone has the family and community I do; rather, I do this because building a narrative of our stories is important (as LGBT+, as furries, as the social "others"). Second, I also figure that this is one of the safest spaces I could ever share in, at least online. My profile isn't big enough to draw haters, I don't think. If anyone is ever a dick, I'll give them a good what-for via site administration and about fifty thousand words in response. ...I really don't think it'll be worth their time to read everything I'd write ;P They'd probably move on, lol
*****
Jumping back: I think I'm where I want to be, socially. I'm doing well, professionally, too: my choice to go back to college feels right. Computer science is difficult, engaging, and rewarding. I've put everything else aside to study, cancelling plans, spending long hours in the computer lab with my coding partner, letting myself be wholly consumed by the task at hand, and it's good, it's right, there's nothing I'd rather be doing. I have a grasp on my progress -- I can see myself growing -- which is wild, as normally growth isn't so fast and so self-visible.
Anyway, I'm sure I've about talked your ear off. Go find something to fap to or whatever, haha
