Hey everyone. So I’ve been thinking about getting things off my chest and to say things about how interacted with people and those online. I’ll be explaining step by step on what shaped me, my life, how I treated people, and what I’ll be doing in the future for FA. To my watchers and to anyone else, you can respond and say whatever you want about it, but I felt like saying all this so that I could move on and improve myself.
• My Mom
To some of you who read one of my old journals, I explained about my mom passing away three years ago. However in this journal I will explain my rough time I had with her. My mom has been an explosive person who rarely was ever nice to me and my other family members. She would lay on the couch or in bed all day and watch old movies and if we didn’t give her the attention because we didn’t want to lay in bed with her all day as well, she would go off and emotionally break either me, my sisters, or even my own dad just to make us feel like villains to her. After she would drink with her friends on nights she would get worse and made the rest of us very terrified of what she might do next. It had gotten so bad that my youngest sister was contemplating on well… you know. Having had enough my mom left us to go stay with her friends. My dad mostly thought that with her time away from us that she would better understand us and not treat us like crap anymore. But then a few weeks later, my mom died of a stroke. I think it was due to her being very unhealthy with eating and smoking. Then my dad came clean to us that she did cocaine, probably doing it before and after I was born. I don’t know if it was something else, but I felt that the woman that gave me life treated me and family so badly that it made me resentful and bitter towards her.
• My School Friends
In my school life I was diagnosed with autism that made it very hard to listen to others. While I did excelled at some parts of school, it was very difficult to say, listen, or even write that I had to go to principle’s office to think things over. Thinking back at it now it might have been excuses to not do the work I was supposed to. It was very hard to make friends at school because they said that they either were busy or had hokey practice, which made me create a bubble around myself. In my elementary years however that I met a true friend that also had autism. He was very passionate with groups and with video games and that he has a religious family. We’re still friends to this day but he’s currently staying in another city that’s hard for me to reach him, now we just contact each other with whatever Wi-Fi connection he has. Then there was another however didn’t last. I met her in a high school when she was drawing and that was something I had in common with. She seemed kind and willing to listen even if she was with her own group. After graduation though she became very distant till she ghosted me entirely, haven’t received a response since last year.
• My Fears
Like a lot of people I was afraid of certain things like spiders or stuff from films that can scar you from a young age. But as an adult there has been something that has had made me paranoid and terrified about. I would have nightmares where my entire town was nuked like with how Sarah Connor felt in Terminator 2. A lot of that stems from real life events and the fear of the entire world being destroyed by the 1% of mankind. The wars that are going on, these threats being made by powerful people have made me anxious and so scared for not just myself, but for the rest of the world that are being affected by this. See I don’t want to have kids having the same thoughts about this sort of thing happening. But there’s nothing that can be done and it’s made me feel depressed about it.
• My Life on FA
I believe I was 13 browsing through my computer, browsing through the internet until I came across a furry website which you all know what it was. I was fascinated that there was talented artists that drew these amazing and beautiful characters that I created an account to be just like them. I thought about drawing a furry character by the name of Valaring, a combination between a wolf and a fox that was edgy and on tribal planet. I wanted to make a comic series with more characters with my furry character like with Twokinds. However it was very difficult to accomplish because of how complex and hard it would be to make a comic, I wanted to gain help from other artists that could assist me. Over time though I realized that my dream of making this comic was getting harder to reach. So I shelved it till I could find someone who can help me. During my time on FA I learned about role-plays and that it helped express sexual fantasies. While it was fun to do this kind of thing with others that wanted to RP, I made a foolish mistake with one individual who didn’t want to roleplay. I wasn’t forcing or guilt tripping this person into it, but they felt like that was all I cared about. We got into a spat and after it made me feel like there was truth to what they said. A few weeks after I apologized to them about how I behaved and that I cared about what they were going through.
• In Conclusion
So to wrap things up I sometimes wished that things were different with my mom, I’ve been feeling very alone, I don’t want to have these awful feelings of what might happen to the world, and I want to apologize to how I treated people on FA with not conversing with them about their life and being mindful about it. I’m not exactly sure what I’ll do for the future on FA or with my life, but I felt like posting this so that everyone on here knows what I am and that I want to aim to be a better person.