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Star Day Follow-Up -- A New Journey Begins -- Part 1
2 years ago
‘Star Day’ has come and gone until March 17th, 2024. However, I am definitely not going to forget to discuss those most important aspects of what ‘Star Day’ / my birthday means to me.
First of all, as ‘Star Day’ is a very obscure reference to The Land Before Time television series, please take a moment to check out the link below to see the episode of the show that inspired this ongoing tradition.
THE GREAT STAR DAY ADVENTURE:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoN.....Q19w4&t=9s
Put simply, ‘Star Day’ is taken from how Ruby, a new character added in the TV series and appearing in the 14th installment of the movie franchise, ‘Journey of the Brave’., was told by her parents how to know the approximate date in which she hatched from her egg based on the positioning of the stars at night.
WHERE I’VE BEEN:
You are never too old to learn new things. You are also never too old to use the power of hindsight / looking back on your life so far to see certain ‘patterns’ that are good, bad, or of little consequence either way.
What I’ve come to realize is how I’ve been swimming around in circles like one of those duck toys you try to catch at a carnival’s gaming booth. The first lap around is unlikely to result in being plucked from the itty-bitty, lazy river you share with the other toy ducks. Even the second, third, and fourth laps are not likely to find yourself picked out of the other ducks who are stuck in an endless loop of going around-and-around until someone happily pulls you out to start a new adventure in life.
The ‘Duck Catching Carnival Game’ is the big, wide world in which we all hope to find our place in. The ‘Toy Ducks’ represent how there are a lot of people trying to find their place where they can live a happy and fulfilling life. The ‘Lazy River’ / Watery Racetrack serves as an analogy for time and how it never stops moving steadily forward despite how one’s life may continue to not change / seemingly repeat the same sequence of events that result in knowing others are seen as wanted while you are not.
Growing up, I was always told that “You are just like everyone else.”. This lead me to be stuck in the lazy river loop until I finally accepted that I was not like everyone else and, as a result, finally began to embrace those tools needed to help me appear as smart and desirable as those who do not have a disadvantage brought about by a disability…
…Or so I thought.
Every job I have had since earning my Masters Degree in Business Administration has started out with me being praised for what I was able to do despite my visual limitations. About a year later, I would begin noticing less and less interaction with my superiors as I became gradually isolated from my colleagues. Finally, after approximately two years, those who once said, “We are like a family here!” and “We really like what you’ve been able to do for the company!” start to ignore me, place me into assignments that are next to impossible for anyone else to do, inform me of how my disability is a burden to my peers, and/or put into ever-growing, toxic work settings that force me to quit the job.
Back to the ‘Ducky Carnival Game’, I see how I’ve been stuck in this unending cycle of finding a place, being welcomed by my coworkers, and praised for my abilities and achievements by colleagues and customers. However, after completing 50% of the watery loop, all that praise, kindness, and feeling of comradery dissipates and is replaced by belittlement, isolation, and off-record insults and threats that make it impossible for me to keep the job without falling so deep into depression that I start considering self-destruction.
This process has been going on since I turned 26 years old. What’s worse is how, as a result of this awful cycle, I came to blame myself for my family’s troubles and felt the reason my, now, ex-wife did what she did and said what she said to me for years was my fault. (I know better now, but boy did I miss a billion ‘red flags’ that should have had me more than ready for her to leave me in 2018 despite all I had done to show how determined I was to show how capable I was as a father, husband, and contributor to society.).
When Lucca came to live with me, he taught me quite quickly about all the ways in which I had let myself be treated like a lesser person. He did not put it so bluntly, but his background in coping with hardships and the cruelty of others made my acceptance to continue going in circles while watching others succeed where I failed become extremely obvious. This lead me to do a lot more to advocate for myself to build in me true self-esteem and self-acceptance.
***
Lucca’s arrival in March of 2022 was the first time I really got a good look at the vicious cycle of endlessly swimming in circles, being put down by others, and seeing others succeed where I continued to fail in being what social norms expected of me since the day I was born. It is for this reason that I have taken my own initiative to be the best I can be. Success will be judged solely by myself with the goals of using ‘Patreon’ to share different forms of content, which I will go into during my next journal, along with align myself in such a way that those around me feel that doing things with and/or for me is not a chore, burden, inconvenience, etc. (Becoming a chore / burden to others is likely what resulted in the endless loops in the ducky lazy river of life I’ve experienced up to this point. I also know my son, Peep, worries that he is obligated to me over just being his true a lovable self.).
THE PATREON LINK:
patreon.com/MatthewPalumbo
Your support of $3 per month helps me feel a sense of purpose beyond being browbeaten by society and those who serve it to continuously loop around the track of life and left behind and alone as a result of just how limiting having no eyesight is. (Seriously, DO NOT TAKE YOUR EYESIGHT FOR GRANTED and always do all you can to ANNUAL EYE EXAMS. To not do so will be asking for a life where the world perceives you as a bothersome toddler who wants to be just like the big kids, but cannot. Having to rely on others for nearly everything is depressing, annoying, and makes you despise your own humanity for how society makes little, to absolutely no, effort to bridge the gap between your actual abilities with its expectations.).
More uplifting content, along with more Snowdrop related fun will start as soon as I can sit and write the next journal. In the meantime, I thank you all for your patience, understanding, and support as I bravely head out on this new goal of giving my life more meaning than being a lost, little duckling who has to eternally tug at his Papa’s pants while being dismissed by others for being so different.
Your Pal,
---Yosh E. O’Ducky
Matthew S. Palumbo
First of all, as ‘Star Day’ is a very obscure reference to The Land Before Time television series, please take a moment to check out the link below to see the episode of the show that inspired this ongoing tradition.
THE GREAT STAR DAY ADVENTURE:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoN.....Q19w4&t=9s
Put simply, ‘Star Day’ is taken from how Ruby, a new character added in the TV series and appearing in the 14th installment of the movie franchise, ‘Journey of the Brave’., was told by her parents how to know the approximate date in which she hatched from her egg based on the positioning of the stars at night.
WHERE I’VE BEEN:
You are never too old to learn new things. You are also never too old to use the power of hindsight / looking back on your life so far to see certain ‘patterns’ that are good, bad, or of little consequence either way.
What I’ve come to realize is how I’ve been swimming around in circles like one of those duck toys you try to catch at a carnival’s gaming booth. The first lap around is unlikely to result in being plucked from the itty-bitty, lazy river you share with the other toy ducks. Even the second, third, and fourth laps are not likely to find yourself picked out of the other ducks who are stuck in an endless loop of going around-and-around until someone happily pulls you out to start a new adventure in life.
The ‘Duck Catching Carnival Game’ is the big, wide world in which we all hope to find our place in. The ‘Toy Ducks’ represent how there are a lot of people trying to find their place where they can live a happy and fulfilling life. The ‘Lazy River’ / Watery Racetrack serves as an analogy for time and how it never stops moving steadily forward despite how one’s life may continue to not change / seemingly repeat the same sequence of events that result in knowing others are seen as wanted while you are not.
Growing up, I was always told that “You are just like everyone else.”. This lead me to be stuck in the lazy river loop until I finally accepted that I was not like everyone else and, as a result, finally began to embrace those tools needed to help me appear as smart and desirable as those who do not have a disadvantage brought about by a disability…
…Or so I thought.
Every job I have had since earning my Masters Degree in Business Administration has started out with me being praised for what I was able to do despite my visual limitations. About a year later, I would begin noticing less and less interaction with my superiors as I became gradually isolated from my colleagues. Finally, after approximately two years, those who once said, “We are like a family here!” and “We really like what you’ve been able to do for the company!” start to ignore me, place me into assignments that are next to impossible for anyone else to do, inform me of how my disability is a burden to my peers, and/or put into ever-growing, toxic work settings that force me to quit the job.
Back to the ‘Ducky Carnival Game’, I see how I’ve been stuck in this unending cycle of finding a place, being welcomed by my coworkers, and praised for my abilities and achievements by colleagues and customers. However, after completing 50% of the watery loop, all that praise, kindness, and feeling of comradery dissipates and is replaced by belittlement, isolation, and off-record insults and threats that make it impossible for me to keep the job without falling so deep into depression that I start considering self-destruction.
This process has been going on since I turned 26 years old. What’s worse is how, as a result of this awful cycle, I came to blame myself for my family’s troubles and felt the reason my, now, ex-wife did what she did and said what she said to me for years was my fault. (I know better now, but boy did I miss a billion ‘red flags’ that should have had me more than ready for her to leave me in 2018 despite all I had done to show how determined I was to show how capable I was as a father, husband, and contributor to society.).
When Lucca came to live with me, he taught me quite quickly about all the ways in which I had let myself be treated like a lesser person. He did not put it so bluntly, but his background in coping with hardships and the cruelty of others made my acceptance to continue going in circles while watching others succeed where I failed become extremely obvious. This lead me to do a lot more to advocate for myself to build in me true self-esteem and self-acceptance.
***
Lucca’s arrival in March of 2022 was the first time I really got a good look at the vicious cycle of endlessly swimming in circles, being put down by others, and seeing others succeed where I continued to fail in being what social norms expected of me since the day I was born. It is for this reason that I have taken my own initiative to be the best I can be. Success will be judged solely by myself with the goals of using ‘Patreon’ to share different forms of content, which I will go into during my next journal, along with align myself in such a way that those around me feel that doing things with and/or for me is not a chore, burden, inconvenience, etc. (Becoming a chore / burden to others is likely what resulted in the endless loops in the ducky lazy river of life I’ve experienced up to this point. I also know my son, Peep, worries that he is obligated to me over just being his true a lovable self.).
THE PATREON LINK:
patreon.com/MatthewPalumbo
Your support of $3 per month helps me feel a sense of purpose beyond being browbeaten by society and those who serve it to continuously loop around the track of life and left behind and alone as a result of just how limiting having no eyesight is. (Seriously, DO NOT TAKE YOUR EYESIGHT FOR GRANTED and always do all you can to ANNUAL EYE EXAMS. To not do so will be asking for a life where the world perceives you as a bothersome toddler who wants to be just like the big kids, but cannot. Having to rely on others for nearly everything is depressing, annoying, and makes you despise your own humanity for how society makes little, to absolutely no, effort to bridge the gap between your actual abilities with its expectations.).
More uplifting content, along with more Snowdrop related fun will start as soon as I can sit and write the next journal. In the meantime, I thank you all for your patience, understanding, and support as I bravely head out on this new goal of giving my life more meaning than being a lost, little duckling who has to eternally tug at his Papa’s pants while being dismissed by others for being so different.
Your Pal,
---Yosh E. O’Ducky
Matthew S. Palumbo
***
Please continue to do all you can to advocate for yourself. It took me far too long to realize the system is too slow, if not completely frozen in place, when it comes to truly being there for the advancement of individuals with special needs. I also tried over-and-over to show my family I was more than my disability and, well, my dad passed away believing I intentionally allowed a corneal ulcer to form on my only remaining eye, which lead into the final downfall of my physical eyesight. *Sigh*
Advocating for yourself is difficult. There are days that I wonder why I even bother to do what I can when it feels like I have to rely on someone else to do 95% of what most people with good eyesight can do with no thought at all about doing it. It is when I meet those, like yourself, that I realize why I need to keep trying and how it is going to take generations of us to make society stop holding on to the past by giving those with disabilities the ability to be truly "Just like veryone else.".
You know, what would you say in your day-to-day life with Lucca helped you get to this point? Just the fact you had some person irl to talk to at virtually any hour of the day? The fact you found love? Something else?
It is really usual to be swimming in circles without going anywhere. For most of the people it is easier to do that than stopping and realizing that they've been doing that more time that would have ever wanted. It is also common that people just follows like the patterns of the rest of the society in order to "jump to the next stage". So, you see people graduating from school, going to college, taking their first job, studying a post-grade, getting married, having a son... People usually don't stop thinking if this is really the path they want to follow, if they would wish to add some intermediate steps, to jump some others. There's simply not a unique path to reach a good life. Learning about your story through the years, I've realized that you've been forced to follow an standard path to reach your goal of being happy. You probably lived most of your life following a path that wasn't designed for you.
It is also pretty common as you mentioned, to blame yourself for not being happy. Sometimes, we are guilty of certain things, but most of the times we blame ourselves for external situations that we simply weren't be able to control at all.
Of course, you're not like anybody else. And that is indeed really really good. It means there are lots of things others can learn from you and you from them. Being different is what really worth of living next to others and being part of a society. The only trouble is that being different usually means that you cannot fit into the social structure so easy, so... It's a big inconvenient for the society. That phrase of the companies "We're like a family" is well known as emotional blackmail. That's simply a dirty way of making you feel blame of not doing stuff beyond from your contract. Companies are companies, public or private, and jobs are jobs. We always have to keep a focus on that. A job could be more or less enjoyable, but it is simply an interchange of your labor force for money. I don't know if you have already did that Yosh, but if not you should focus that all the previous times you were removed from your job position, it was just that the interchange I mentioned before wasn't good enough from one of the sides or both, that's all.
Finally. I have to say that fortunately, due to my sight condition, I usually visit doctors every one or two years, so I'm not too scared from that trouble.
I hope what I have just mentioned here helps you someway Yosh. Remember that your friends are always here to help you out!
Family, friends, colleagues, and people we may never get to ever meet over the course of our entire lives have a way of making us 'think' we have to be a certain way with the feeling of accomplishment being linked with the positive recognition of all those to whom I just mentioned. This, as I think more about it, results in so many people suffering from anxiety and depression as a result of not ever receiving the outside validation we are raised to get from others.
What is sad, to me, is how media that is targetted towards Toddlers, Preschoolers, and Early Education is designed around the development of 'self-confidence' along with embracing what makes you 'different' / 'unique' from those around you. The differences we all have, which we see great examples with shows like Dragon Tales and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, prove to be what helps us all in accomplishing things that we may not otherwise be able to do by ourselves. (Have you ever heard the phrase "Think outside the box."? I have, in more recent years, found that those who society deems to be 'successful' do not ever follow this overused and poorly implemented statement. The reason being that those of us who are 'different' and who try to share ideas for the betterment of those our efforts would impact are often perceived as 'troublemakers' who are out to disrupt the hiarchy. By the time I took my most recent job, my Vocational Rehabilitation Counselor told me to, "Just do your job without trying to think, or do, anything that goes beyond what you are told to do by the employer.". I know a lot of people are okay playing this awful game of Follow The Leader without question, but I cannot do so when I hear my colleagues struggling with something that I can help make easier through sharing what I know, hearing what they understand of a situation, and developing a plan to make sure everyone is able to complete tasks without feeling like they are being allowed to fail for no reason beyond appeasing the management.).
***
May you, I, and all our friends remain truly good people who exemplify what it truly is to live life "Outside of the box.".