WARNING: this is a rant post, and this shit is going to get depressing, real fucking quick. I'd highly advise not reading if you are not in a proper mental state, thank you for understanding, thanks for clicking tho

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As you have read above, this is a bit of a depressing rant. i don't know how long it'll be, and i don't know where this will go. Sorry.

Sometimes i feel like trying to make art is just a pointless endeavor. Giving your all, just for it to not matter in the end. trying to make friends, and show kindness to big artist, and getting swept under the run for being a clout chasing cockroach in their precious domain of art and fans. It really just hurts. I want to draw other peoples characters, cause i want to explore other peoples ideas, and creations, even gaining a small bond with the owner of said sona over time. i love it. i love being friends with people. But when people get past a cerian point in growth, they just kinda stop being friendly to anyone. everyone is just out to ride their success, get big off of them, and their characters.

I am owed nothing, and i do what i do because i love it. but when wanting to do that thing makes me feel like a parasite, trying to leach off of someone else, it makes me not want to ask artist for permision to draw their characters. it makes me nervous that i will be blocked, and astracised by them and everyone else just cause i wanted to say hi, and just ask for permision to do something nice out of the kindness of my heart. As much as i do want to get big, and be popular, I would rather show kindness to someone, and let them know how much they mean to me, and maybe give them a gift.

When wanting to be nice can be construde and twisted into "Leaching" off someone else. it just blows. I understand artist are busy, and some don't have time for small fry who won't benefit them monetarily, or help them reach more people; but when i see large, multi thousand follower artist treating people who look up to them like trash, people who might be supporting them through patron or Kofi, getting lumped in with the reast of the people they consider filth. i get mad.

I'm not the biggest, or greatest artist, and i don't think i will be fore a long time. but seeing how people are, and how they treat others makes me really question what i want. i'm torn between wanting to be a true artist, who just draws and makes people happy, getting paid to make wonderful creations for everyone, and just being a nameless husk on the internet that no one even knows, and never recognizes.

I've had countless people tell me my style is "unique", and that i'm "skilled"(probly not the right word they used, but eh), But i just can't bring myself to feel like i've done a great job when the arts i LOVE, and think i've given my all, are just swept under the rug, and brushed off. And i'm not even allowed to be mad. the world's moved on. if i scream at the wall, break things, cry, the world dosen't care. time marches onwards. it'll be forgotten.

How sad, to have something you love, waste away so effortlessly, forgotten in moments.

It is greedy to want more, as i am just glad i got anything at all. I don't deserve more, but i still would like more.

I don't want to feel like a parasite sucking on someone elses fame every other day. I don't wanna be shooed away for just wanting to ask permision and be polite before i draw someone elses character. I refuse to stand in the shadow of a giant who abuses the people who built them. But what can i do?

No one cares unless you draw porn, have had a popular artist do work of your character, or got lucky, and graced by the algorithm.

I sometimes want to just delete my account, and start over. Bursting onto the scene as this "new talented artist who just came out of nowhere!" but i won't. i'll just cry about it, and watch the world burn.

I'm happy to have made the friends i have thus far. And i treasure the few who request art form me. I don't want pitty. i don't need to be told "everything is alright".

I just want to feel like i'm actually worth the worlds time. even for a second, i'd like to matter. But the clock is broken. It's not time yet. it'll never be time. I refuse to leach off other peoples fame. I just want to spread joy.

If anything, I want you, the person who read this, to spread joy to others who matter; Not me, People in your actual lives, people who need to be touched by lights. Show them joy on my behalf.

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"Remember to smile, Because life gose on; with or without you." - Viola Heartent, The Queen of Anything

(no, this is not a "unalive" journal... just some heavy thoughts.)