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For the past few weeks I have been hesitant on uploading another one of my “entries,” such as this one, where I sit at my computer late into the night reflecting on my feelings towards whatever particular subject that troubles me. “What is stopping you now?” you may ask? One night I sat here preparing to transcribe my thoughts into writing when I asked myself, “Who cares? Who cares what I have to say? Who cares how I feel? Why am I wasting my time talking about my feelings online? No one cares.”

I believed that. I believed that no one cared what I had to say. No one wants to read my rambling nonsense. Here I am a few weeks later doing it anyway, but why? I have a strong belief that everyone on Earth has a purpose. It is never something that is immediately clear to you. It is hard to describe, but when you find it, you will know. When you find that purpose, you can feel it in your soul.

My purpose is to inspire. I want to show others that it can be done. That if you set your mind to something, you can do it. It is possible! Years from now when I am living my dream, I want people to know that it took a lot of hard work to get there and that my dreams were not simply handed to me on a silver platter.

I want people to know that I am not perfect. That I have my own flaws and hardships. I do not want people to feel like they are alone in their struggles, whatever it may be. The truth is that I struggle just like you. Everyone struggles and sometimes we just need to be reminded of that fact.

A few weeks ago, my heart was damaged. I had a friend who I had known for a few years that I have grown to love very much. Our relationship was confusing and uncertain at first, but over time, we made it work. In an effort to keep things clear, I will be referring to this friend as Thomas.

When I first met Thomas, I did not like him. His personality clashed with mine and it was often difficult to relate with him. Thomas never liked talking about himself. You could not have a passionate conversation with him, since he would either avoid the conversation altogether or would show disinterest. If the conversation was about him, he wanted nothing to do with it.

There are individuals that, for their own personal reasons, do not wish to be open about their feelings and personal troubles. There is nothing wrong with this, but at some point you have to realize that not everyone is out to hurt you. There are people who genuinely care for you, and would love nothing more than to help.

I never overstepped boundaries with Thomas. I respected their wish to not have their personal life pried into and left it at that. For years I knew little to nothing about Thomas, but Thomas knew a lot about me. There were nights where I stayed up with Thomas and I would ramble on about things that troubled me. He often never really cared about what I had to say. Despite that, his company was enough to make me feel better.

This weird relationship I had with Thomas began to change when last year, I found myself in one of the lowest points in my life. A time where I felt like my life was falling apart and nothing I did could fix it. A time where I was completely alone. A terrible time. One person in particular helped me get back on my feet. That person was Thomas. The very same Thomas that never seemed to care.

This is not to say that there were not others who helped me along the way. I did have friends who gave me their support, but Thomas was the one who had left the biggest impact. Once I got through that rough chapter of my life, my perspective of Thomas had changed. It just so turned out that I loved Thomas. Not in a romantic way, but in an appreciative sort of way.

He helped me get through a rough spot in my life and I loved him for it. His willingness to help me proved to me that, despite his mysterious ways, he cared about me. From then on, every chance that I had, I would remind him that I too cared about him and that I loved him very much. Overtime, Thomas would begin to tell me things about his life.

Remember, this is something that Thomas never does to anyone. Hearing him talk about his feelings for the first time made me feel special. It told me that he trusted me. One day he told me he loved me. I will never forget it. Our relationship continued to grow and grow and we became best friends.

This all changed a few weeks ago. I do not wish to get into the specific details, but I will summarize. One night Thomas got upset with me over something I consider to be minor. Despite me feeling like his emotions were uncalled for, I understood them. I understood that he was upset and I wanted to do my best to fix it.

Needless to say, things got out of hand and I myself ended up getting upset with him too. Thomas said things that were untrue and did not make any sense. Things that I did not agree with. When I attempted to reinforce this, he ignored me. The next day he would pretend as if nothing had happened.

One thing that I can not stand is when someone clearly has a problem with you and when you try to reason with them, they want nothing to do with it, and come the next day they pretend like nothing ever happened. My parents would do this to me all the time and it became something I despised. I have always been a strong believer in that if you ever have a problem with someone, you should speak to them directly and attempt to resolve it. There is no point in pretending like nothing happened because that only makes things worse.

This happened for a few days between me and Thomas and one night I had enough. Not having an explanation for why he was treating me this way was beginning to bother me and distract me from life. I needed to know what his deal was and I needed to know now. No more beating around the bush. I wanted to fix this once and for all.

That night, Thomas was spending time with some of his friends. I felt bad for having to send him such a serious message at a time where he clearly just wanted to relax, but I needed to get it off my chest. I sent him a message where I told him how I felt about the situation and that if things were going to get better, he needed to stop what he was doing and come speak to me.

In my mind I figured that if Thomas really cared about our relationship, he would stop what he was doing and come speak to me. Just as I began to think he would not reply back, he did. However his response was insincere, and it told me everything I needed to know. I got really upset and I ended up blocking him.

I thought Thomas loved me. How could he suddenly do a one-eighty and treat me differently? I was confused, mad, and sad. I did not know what to believe. Me and Thomas share a few friends. Since this whole incident began, a few of our friends have reached out to me and have told me that Thomas wants to speak to me and that he has been trying to get a hold of me with no success.

My friends tell me that Thomas can not speak to me since I have him blocked. This is true, yet it is also untrue. Thomas has not done all that he can do, and I am not going to make it easy for him. This is my way of knowing whether he is being sincere or not. I do not like it when a couple has an issue and again, instead of reaching out to the person they have trouble with, they start getting others involved.

These next words are for you, Thomas. I just want you to know that I love you. You mean a lot to me, but that night you really hurt my feelings. I am not upset with you anymore. Despite this, I am not going to bend myself backwards for you. If you really love me back, you will come to me and stop using our friends to speak for you.

You are a smart guy. Much smarter than I am. You know how to get a hold of me. You know where to find me. I will be here waiting for you.

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