I thought bits and pieces was all a heart could be broken into but apparently I overlooked dust. A little while ago, I develouped a crush on a lovely girl who's name I won't meantion, but I thought I had finally done it, finally I had beat the odds and found a girl that would care for me in return, and what do ya know, she's furry, I could be myself. She showed promise, was sweet to me in the final week, and eventually she spent the night at my place. We... fooled around a bit, but probably for the better my virginity is still intact (I wouldn't want to lose it in these circumstances) and I finally released all doubts. Two days later: " Sorry, but he asked again, and I said yes." Is what I read.

Now what happened between these two days, is she came out and was honest that she was torn between me and another guy, which I can undestand, I think. Now the fun part of this story, is the guy that I can't beat, doesn't even live in the same fucking state. She knows him through Second life. What the hell is wrong with me when I can't outdo a guy over the internet? Do I have some sort of curse on me that after one date, I lose my appeal? So far evidence is leading up to that. She says she still wants to be friends though, and she feels deeply sorry for what she's put me through. I'm starting to feel my life is the same play over and over again with different supporting actors. A play where I am lead to believe I won't feel alone for a very long time, and high hopes are dropped like hot metal right as I remember what it's like to have a positive outlook on life, then expected to settle with less than what I worked and hoped for. I'm tired of the silver medal, I've got a closet full of the soul-rotting consolation prizes and I just can't accept another...

At this point, I'm worried what will go first, my heart or mind. The night this all took a dive, I laid in bed and talked to myself, trying to contemplate what the fuck is wrong with me and why am I not able to be happy with how I am. Now talking to myself is not what scared me, thats pretty normal for me, but what did is that I received responses... some degrading towards myself and others rather spineless. The damn things wouldn't flee until my thoughts were drowned in music. The following day, I felt my frustration and sorrow not as emotions, but as a state of mind, as if pain and misery were somehow nourishing my body. This was further supported when I felt not agony, but delight as I struck the granite kitchen countertops with my knuckles, hard. I've been in quite a funk since then, I hope that was a one-time event.