It’s been a while since I’ve written anything personal here.

Usually I am a lot more personal about certain things on a regular basis on discord and maybe a couple times on Twitter when it’s needed (or if I feel unwell in the head with my decisions) but I feel that I should say something here on Furaffinity after a decent while of me not really being informative on my circumstance. Of course this is a journal basically about myself so please only read if you want to, this isn’t really anything important in regards to my art or anything, it’s more so a life update I suppose.

How’s Life Going?

Life’s been doing a bit better since the last time I’ve written here. Of course it might be easier to say that now that time has passed from certain events, at least most of the time, and I will say that things have improved. They are not perfect by a long shot but they have improved. My main concern was my mental health which is what I’ll mainly delve into here.

For starters, I’ve been in outpatient therapy since the beginning of February, and my last day was around the end of March, and since I’ve been out of the 5-day a week program of mental health therapy for “self life-threatening circumstances”, I’ve definitely felt better about those thoughts I’d have for over a decade (I’m 24 now, had them off and on since I was 13). I’d been better about my coping skills with various challenges like conflicts, stressors, internal battles, etc. It’s not perfect and I feel it realistically never will be but I’m doing my best to get better with coping. Now that I don’t have this therapy, I’m currently still seeking personal 1-on-1 therapy, which is surprisingly harder than I ever expected but I’m sure I’ll find someone soon enough, at least I got a good psychologist now and am getting answers and good meds from him so that’s a plus too.

Now that I’m out of therapy though, admittedly I’ve…kinda been doing nothing special. I still have many days where I feel super demotivated and truly have no will to do the things I like, but it often comes and goes. This month has two birthdays of friends of mine, and shockingly I did their birthday gifts in a day each, which never happens for me because usually my art takes a few days per picture (at least in regards to my shaded stuff and things with more than one character….I know I’m slow). I was proud of those times but then there are times where I just sit in front of my drawing tablet and can’t draw anything because I….just can’t for some reason. I often resort to video games or sleeping, which has also hurt my social life too since, if you’ve known me on discord, I am barely active on the servers I am in. It’s nothing against any of y’all, I just am an anxious person. I’ll be friendly of course, I am just anxious.
My motivation can change from 0 to 60 in the span of a second sometimes, and I wish I knew why. It’s a big reason why I am still not open for commissions, which I’ll talk about here too. It’s a combination of things but I feel I should elaborate on that.

Why are you taking so long to open commissions?

Nobody’s asked me that way but this is pretty much my own internal conflict.
Lemme just Start out by saying I’m very appreciative of everyone who has and still is supporting me and my art that I make. I’m a very lucky person to have a lot of your guys’ support, it’s hard to say this without sounding possibly egotistical but thank you for following me and enjoying my art.
Now as for commissions. There are a few reasons I haven’t opened for a while, mainly since November of last year.
1. I still have commissions I scheduled to do in January, and they were given to folks back in November.
I didn’t accept any new comms since November (from what I recall) and I knew January was going to be a tough month since I have Commissions and School to prepare for (the upcoming spring semester). As you may know already, January was the time my mental state snapped and I almost did something irreversible to myself, and although I finished some comms I had January’s queue, which crept into February due to time constraints, I put my commissions on hold until further notice, because I was going through some serious mental issues and still sorta am right now. I am very grateful for everyone’s patience from the people who commissioned me and are waiting. Thank you.
2. I feel it would be wrong of me to accept commissions or trades while I still owe people, even if they haven’t paid me yet.
This is probably my anxiety getting the best of me more so here, but I’d feel guilty if I did a commission or trade with someone else before I already agreed on doing a project for someone else that I owe. I feel secure doing projects that would be simple and self-healing or birthday gifts on occasion, but I cannot accept more projects for more people to owe while I still owe people as is, I’m very sorry about that.
3. I still don’t feel too motivated in myself yet.
I stopped commissioned to give myself a small break, and truth be told I feel I’m just not ready for them yet either. I need to do better with my confidence and how I can do work when I set my mind to it, because I know I can, but I need to feel more secure with my mental state first. Again, I’m very grateful everybody that is in my waitlist is understanding but still, I apologize for making you all wait. I’m just happy none of you paid me yet because with my commissions, you don’t pay me until it is your turn in line.

Overall…

Circumstances are improving for me, they are not perfect, but they’re improving. I’m still doing my best to get my college situation dealt with because that’s a whole different can of worms, along with the various testing I need to go through for my mental complications that I’ve neglected for a long time now, and I’m just awaiting for the time I have to come closer to when I’ll finally get those results and answers I need. I’m doing the best I can, which I guess in some situations is all I can really do, but hopefully things just improve from here.