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Depresh' Mode
2 years ago
Ever since I was a young 🐰, I've always been quick to slide into sadness, or just be more sensitive about things than others are/were.
As a child, I was called a cry-baby quite often, and that only made things worse. I didn't understand. I never voluntarily broke down into tears, it just happened - and it enraged me that I would do so, and it only made me even angrier to be told to stop crying. I didn't know how to do it, or I WOULD! I didn't understand how other people seemed to be able to just turn it off, like a faucet, or a light-switch. I only knew I wasn't like them. The more people told me to stop crying, or mocked me for doing so, the harder it became, and the angrier I got. Like, will you please let up for a second and let me try?!
It took me a long time to get beyond that, and I later found that at times, when I felt like it would be appropriate, or even that I should cry - I couldn't, anymore. In recent years, I've found that using acting techniques, I now can get myself to, with effort. Emotion no longer seems to start it, but I can use emotion to fuel it, once I do start.
But, clinical depression doesn't always manifest along with emotional causes. In fact, most days, if I feel Depressed, I can't explain what causes it, other than to just say, "Chemicals?" Or, "Reasons? When I'm Depressed, I don't need... 🥽 reasons. Being Depressed for a reason is for normies." Actually, my GP told me that it's because my brain doesn't produce (or recycle, or whatever) endorphins at the same rate as other people. She illustrated this by snapping her fingers at a high tempo for normies, and at a slower tempo for me.
Rainy Days and Mondays by The Carpenters does a fair job at explaining it.
...
What I've got they used to call the blues
Nothin' is really wrong
Feeling like I don't belong
Walking around
Some kind of lonely clown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down
...
What I feel has come and gone before
No need to talk it out
We know what it's all about
Hanging around
Nothin' to do but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down
...
It comes, and it goes, for any reason or no reason. I interpret rainy days and Mondays to be arbitrary examples of "causes" that aren't really causes, but rather convenient excuses, in that example. I could sarcastically answer, "Eh... well, you know, I just get like this on days ending in 'y', sometimes."
I often poke fun at the condition/myself by calling it silly things like Depresh' Mode, or differentiate between the passing kind of depressed that anybody can get, and Clinical Depression, by saying that I'm "legally sad" (as in, legally drunk/inebriated).
I don't have any desire to harm myself, or others. I have pretty sturdy mental blocks against those. Partly because while majoring in Administration of Justice and minoring in Sociology (Don't get too excited; it's just an Associates certificate in the former, and nothing official in the latter - more like "studied a fair bit of"), I learned more than most people want to know regarding death and dying (with full color photographs, as well as up-close, in-person study). I considered Mortuary Science for a moment - but wound up talking myself out of it. I saw the results of both violent and "non-violent" methods, and have come to the conclusion that there are no "good" ways to die.
I am also a pacifist. I think there is no good reason to start a physical fight. Sticks and stones... words are not violence. That's not to say that I won't fight in defense. I would just much rather not have to.
I have described myself as "High-Functioning", because most days, as long as I take my prescription (which I regularly do), I'm just fine. Legitimately just fine, not quote-unquote, "j u s t... f i n e". However, my definition of just fine can also be, "barely holding myself together, as long as almost everything goes okay".
I'm okay with being used to being disappointed. I've worked retail, and I understand what it's like to be yelled at for things that aren't my fault, -sometimes, just because I happen to be in uniform, and the customer-service face of The Company/customer's problem. So I usually find myself able to keep my emotions in check with other people, knowing that most of my problems aren't the fault of the person I'm complaining to.
I didn't know some type of Depression was actually called that, though! I've found that this video describes things pretty well, particularly #3.
Imposter Syndrome ✅
Subtle/masked symptoms, barely succeding ✅
Achieving normal success is a struggle✅✅✅
Failure is a tragedy✅
Emotional batteries drain rapidly✅ (I despise the spoons analogy. Seriously. Don't even get me started on "spoons".🙄)
Focus takes effort✅ (I don't get distracted all that often, but maintaining a normal amount of focus takes its toll.)
Exhaustion✅ (I feel like #7 is redundant or follows from the above. But I do judge myself, or experience feelings like things are especially unfair. And self-care becomes secondary to accomplishing Tasks and Timelines. Where I disagree, in my specific case, is in regard to "self harm", and a lot of the time I really do feel "just fine", but my "just fine" is 😐, rather than 🙂. 5-7/10, rather than 8-10/10.)
Needing help ⛔️ (#8 is a miss, because I generally just don't ask for help, or feel like I don't need any particular specific assistance, just... time and avoiding distractions.)
Anyway! I decided to give my character the same problem, so that I could express it through roleplaying, and I guess try to normalize it or try to take away the stigma, and perhaps ,helpfully, help others. Cecilia and I both enjoy performance, particularly humor (occasionally gallows-), as well as fake it til you make it approaches, as a manner of coping. (Turns out, faking it til you make it can actually work! If you act cheerful, it's possible to make yourself feel cheerful, and if you can make somebody else smile or laugh, that can give you the boost you need...) So that's... one of the rather large gears/levers that makes Cecilia tick, I suppose. #2 in an ongoing series...
As a child, I was called a cry-baby quite often, and that only made things worse. I didn't understand. I never voluntarily broke down into tears, it just happened - and it enraged me that I would do so, and it only made me even angrier to be told to stop crying. I didn't know how to do it, or I WOULD! I didn't understand how other people seemed to be able to just turn it off, like a faucet, or a light-switch. I only knew I wasn't like them. The more people told me to stop crying, or mocked me for doing so, the harder it became, and the angrier I got. Like, will you please let up for a second and let me try?!
It took me a long time to get beyond that, and I later found that at times, when I felt like it would be appropriate, or even that I should cry - I couldn't, anymore. In recent years, I've found that using acting techniques, I now can get myself to, with effort. Emotion no longer seems to start it, but I can use emotion to fuel it, once I do start.
But, clinical depression doesn't always manifest along with emotional causes. In fact, most days, if I feel Depressed, I can't explain what causes it, other than to just say, "Chemicals?" Or, "Reasons? When I'm Depressed, I don't need... 🥽 reasons. Being Depressed for a reason is for normies." Actually, my GP told me that it's because my brain doesn't produce (or recycle, or whatever) endorphins at the same rate as other people. She illustrated this by snapping her fingers at a high tempo for normies, and at a slower tempo for me.
Rainy Days and Mondays by The Carpenters does a fair job at explaining it.
...
What I've got they used to call the blues
Nothin' is really wrong
Feeling like I don't belong
Walking around
Some kind of lonely clown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down
...
What I feel has come and gone before
No need to talk it out
We know what it's all about
Hanging around
Nothin' to do but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down
...
It comes, and it goes, for any reason or no reason. I interpret rainy days and Mondays to be arbitrary examples of "causes" that aren't really causes, but rather convenient excuses, in that example. I could sarcastically answer, "Eh... well, you know, I just get like this on days ending in 'y', sometimes."
I often poke fun at the condition/myself by calling it silly things like Depresh' Mode, or differentiate between the passing kind of depressed that anybody can get, and Clinical Depression, by saying that I'm "legally sad" (as in, legally drunk/inebriated).
I don't have any desire to harm myself, or others. I have pretty sturdy mental blocks against those. Partly because while majoring in Administration of Justice and minoring in Sociology (Don't get too excited; it's just an Associates certificate in the former, and nothing official in the latter - more like "studied a fair bit of"), I learned more than most people want to know regarding death and dying (with full color photographs, as well as up-close, in-person study). I considered Mortuary Science for a moment - but wound up talking myself out of it. I saw the results of both violent and "non-violent" methods, and have come to the conclusion that there are no "good" ways to die.
I am also a pacifist. I think there is no good reason to start a physical fight. Sticks and stones... words are not violence. That's not to say that I won't fight in defense. I would just much rather not have to.
I have described myself as "High-Functioning", because most days, as long as I take my prescription (which I regularly do), I'm just fine. Legitimately just fine, not quote-unquote, "j u s t... f i n e". However, my definition of just fine can also be, "barely holding myself together, as long as almost everything goes okay".
I'm okay with being used to being disappointed. I've worked retail, and I understand what it's like to be yelled at for things that aren't my fault, -sometimes, just because I happen to be in uniform, and the customer-service face of The Company/customer's problem. So I usually find myself able to keep my emotions in check with other people, knowing that most of my problems aren't the fault of the person I'm complaining to.
I didn't know some type of Depression was actually called that, though! I've found that this video describes things pretty well, particularly #3.
Imposter Syndrome ✅
Subtle/masked symptoms, barely succeding ✅
Achieving normal success is a struggle✅✅✅
Failure is a tragedy✅
Emotional batteries drain rapidly✅ (I despise the spoons analogy. Seriously. Don't even get me started on "spoons".🙄)
Focus takes effort✅ (I don't get distracted all that often, but maintaining a normal amount of focus takes its toll.)
Exhaustion✅ (I feel like #7 is redundant or follows from the above. But I do judge myself, or experience feelings like things are especially unfair. And self-care becomes secondary to accomplishing Tasks and Timelines. Where I disagree, in my specific case, is in regard to "self harm", and a lot of the time I really do feel "just fine", but my "just fine" is 😐, rather than 🙂. 5-7/10, rather than 8-10/10.)
Needing help ⛔️ (#8 is a miss, because I generally just don't ask for help, or feel like I don't need any particular specific assistance, just... time and avoiding distractions.)
Anyway! I decided to give my character the same problem, so that I could express it through roleplaying, and I guess try to normalize it or try to take away the stigma, and perhaps ,helpfully, help others. Cecilia and I both enjoy performance, particularly humor (occasionally gallows-), as well as fake it til you make it approaches, as a manner of coping. (Turns out, faking it til you make it can actually work! If you act cheerful, it's possible to make yourself feel cheerful, and if you can make somebody else smile or laugh, that can give you the boost you need...) So that's... one of the rather large gears/levers that makes Cecilia tick, I suppose. #2 in an ongoing series...
