Howdy ya'll. For the people that have talked with me in the last few days, I am okay physically. I'm living, breathing, everything. Mentally is another story, but more on that later.

My dad is an asshole, put simply. He's a bully, and has never been even a decent excuse for a father. Growing up, he was physically and emotionally abusive. The little things like getting spanked and stuff wasn't so bad, but too often he crossed the line. Choking a kid is never okay, no matter the circumstances. He was the type of "father" that wanted everyone to make sure we heard what he had to say. If you back talked, you got hit, kicked, choked, thrown, pushed, etc. If you couldn't get up, whether out of shock or fear, he would MAKE you stand up. By your hair or neck, it didn't matter. Of course he yelled, and yelled, and yelled. It was as if that was the only way he thought he could get his point across, if his face was half an inch from your own, the putrid stank of beer on his breath.

I can remember too many incidents than I'd like to, but he's punished me for remembering as well. Some of his phrases for me included "Child Memory, and "Keeping Score". Child memory means that because I was younger, I'm making up parts of the story, not remembering it correctly, which means that I can always be discounted. "Keeping Score" was his way of telling me that I kept a tally sheet of bad things he's done, and would hold grudges for things for too long. Who's fault is it that I remember his abuse? Apparently he thought it was mine.

I was always the problem child, for being "over-emotional". He's always ripped on me for being too emotional, not a football player, not a real macho guy. Things turned even worse when I came out as Gay to him. He didn't he take me seriously on it until he found and read some messages. My Mom has been supportive of me, and has put up with my Dad's shit for too long.

Fast forward to today.

Today, I'm living at my Grandma's house, about 30 minutes from school and work. I just came here a few days ago, to get away from my dad. Living with him was just too much. I've been seeing a therapist for 2 months, and been on medication for depression for 1 month. Telling your own mother about wanting to kill yourself was just about the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm her own flesh and blood, and I was at the point where I couldn't stand it anymore.

Of course my dad blames me right now. It's all my fault, I'm the gay problem child. He's got a 80k car in the garage, and I've got 1k in my college fund, really nice, ain't it? He's blown money on a boat (he had to sell it later), partying, going to concerts, all this fun shit. His fun is more important than my education.

I'm not okay, I'm pretty messed up emotionally. Nobody can fix this situation I'm in. I can't turn back time and get a new dad, one the actually loved me. The only thing I can do right now is go to work, do my homework, chat with friends, and hope for a better tomorrow.

My current education plans are: Finish this year of school, then apply to a few colleges. If I get enough financial aid, scholarships, and child support (from my father, who might be forced by the courts to help pay for my college), I may be able to go to a 4 year. If not, I'll finish out my AA at my current college, and then re-evaluate. Either go to a bigger college then, or find some friends to move in with.

Karizma, you've been a great help to me emotionally, and I'm sure I wouldn't be here without your support.