Happy Pride month everyone! I hope you are all enjoying this time of self-reflection, self-discovery and not least of all, celebration.

For this occasion I decided to share a story of my own, since I have been going through a bit of self-discovery myself over the past 1 or 2 years. During that time I came to identify as aromantic-asexual (or aro-ace for short). Before that, I never really knew what to identify as, since I saw it as something of a contradiction. After all, I make kink and fetish art as a hobby, and I really really really like erotica. Or rather... certain kinds of it. How can someone be asexual if they are heavily into that many fetishes?

In actuality, it isn't really a contradiction and I was simply operating on some misconceptions about what asexuality actually means. As I have experienced myself, it is an easily misunderstood term, which in big parts comes from how many different forms it can take and how people experience it in so many different ways. I won't pretend like I have a full grasp of it myself yet, I don't believe anyone really does, but I hope that sharing my own experience with it can shed some light on it and maybe clear up some of the misconceptions I used to hold myself.

So what is asexuality and probably even more important, what is it not?
The most common definition I have seen is “A lack of sexual attraction towards other people”. So that feeling of wanting to take someone you find attractive to bed that you get (or at least I've been told people get), that's what asexuals don't get. And... that's about it. Everything else is technically not a part of asexuality.
Asexuality by itself does NOT say anything about how you feel about looking at images or videos of sex, whether or not you like to fantasize or not, whether or not you find physical stimulation enjoyable or not, how much of a libido you have, whether or not you experience aesthetic attraction to people or not, and so much more. As you can see, this leaves room for so many different configurations and leads to why there are so many very different ace-experiences out there. And I think that is also a big part of why there is so much confusion around the subject. You can enjoy a lot of the things that are associated with sex, but still lack that attraction to other people.

For me personally, things started to make sense when I learned about that circa two years ago. I've always found depictions of plain sex just sort of boring, if not slightly off-putting. Porn with real life human actors is just kind of puzzling and weird in a bad way to me, and when the topic of real life sex ever comes up in conversation my first thought usually is “Well you'd have to clean the bedsheets afterwards, and those take up a whole washing-machine by themselves...”. Many times I experienced friends of mine looking at people that just passed us by and remarking things like “Damn, she was hot, wasn't she?” only to find me completely baffled since I really hadn't been paying attention.
However, what I found makes things more attractive to me is when you introduce a degree of separation from reality into it. Before discovering the wonderful world of the furry fandom, I mostly enjoyed Manga and Anime. The fact that these weren't really humans, they worked slightly differently on both an aesthetic and in-universe mechanics level, made it easier to enjoy for me. Then later introducing furry elements into the mix and making these characters into cute animals on top of that worked even better. Real life sex is kind of weird and a little scary to me, but make it somewhat abstract and things start being more enjoyable.
In that sense, all the kinks ans fetishes also start to make a lot more sense. If you break it down, a kink basically means you experience sexual gratification from something that is not inherently sexual. And well, that just fits like a glove for someone who does not like sex, but still seeks out sexual experiences like the majority of people do. I've once heard it said that asexuals are some of the most kinky people out there because in their minds, sexual experiences aren't coupled with any of the real life logistics, consequences or other concerns of actual sex. It doesn't have to be something that's practical or even possible, which frees their self-exploration from most constraints other people often have to consider. I can't speak for how true that actually is, but I think it helps illustrate a point.

And I think with all of that, I have finally found a label that actually fits with my own experiences (not that labels matter all that much, the only really important thing is that you feel comfortable with who you are, labels are just a useful tool to help communication, not something that defines a person, but that's a whole different tangent). For me, art is all I want and need to satisfy my sexual desires. To clarify, by art I don't just mean the pictures and stories I like to enjoy, it is also the entire implied meta-narrative and community surrounding and connecting those pieces of art. I am not at all interested in any real life explorations of sex or kink, I just want to hear and tell the stories about it. And when it comes to the content of those tales, I do have some rather telling preferences too.
As alluded to earlier, depictions of just plain simple sex do little-to-nothing for me. I always need a surrounding story to enjoy it. At the very least I need to know the characters and what led them to that moment, and what they feel throughout it all. Things are more enjoyable for me if you bring in some fantastical elements as well. Power dynamics are a big one, but just some interesting toys, a rare scenery, magical powers being involved... all of that can make a sex scene so much more interesting to me. Basically, I need the sex to tell a story for me to be interested, and I need to understand the characters emotions throughout.
Another sticking point (heh) for me are bodily fluids. They are sort of an unfortunate reality of the act for me. As I mentioned earlier, my first reaction to them is often “Yeah, we'll have to clean all that up later”. I can deal with whatever amount is needed for lubrication, but anything beyond that is a pretty big turn-off for me. Which I think expresses itself in my love for “clean” or “clinical” materials, like metal, plastic, and of course latex. More synthetic fluids like slime or bottled lubricants are also fine.
This is a very specific hang-up of mine, but I am actually quite turned off by gags that are made of cloth or similar materials. The thought of all the saliva absorbing into them is something that I just can't shake from my mind. Make a gag of rubber though and you have my undivided attention.
Sex toys and machines are themes that I like a lot too. They basically provide a clean shortcut to the physical stimulation aspect of sex without having to involve a partner. You can get really creative with them as well and spin all sorts of fun, out-there situations with them. And as someone who gets easily confused by social interactions, it can be rather freeing to separate that social aspect from the desired stimulation.
And then of course, the emotional experience of the characters is a really big part of what I find sexy about an erotic scene. I think that's part of the reason why I like to draw big expressions on my own characters, I want to clearly see what is going on in their heads and how they feel about the whole scene. Be it positive feelings, negative feelings or a confusing mix of both, they can all make for engaging stories, and at the end of the day, that is what I really enjoy about erotica. Of course, wilfully taking away that vector of expression with something like a gas-mask can be fun too...

Anyways, this is my experience, and one that I wanted to share with you all for pride month. Nothing has really fundamentally changed around my likes or dislikes through me discovering a label that actually fits me, it just gave me cause to self-reflect and understand a few things about myself a little better. If you are still questioning yourself, I hope this has given you a few interesting insights to consider. And no matter what flag you go with this month or any other time of the year, you are all valid!

Happy Pride month to all of you, no matter how you choose to celebrate it!

Yours truly,
The Inkwolf