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Absolution
2 years ago
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Hello,
I hope you've been well. It's been a week since the loss of my cat Nikki and I admit a month since I really wrote anything. First thank you for comforting me through this tough time. I've had an outpouring of support from Telegram, Twitter, and here on FA too. Some replies I didn't even expect to see and they were there, which only helped me to smile that bit more in a week of silence and reflection. If you didn't take the time to check on me, know that it's ok. I know you're busy, life happens or rather it must go on, and it's ok to check in now and then. I appreciate you all the same. If anything, what you're doing now is what I need to begin doing again.
I'm lucky at this point in my freelance writing journey. It's gotten the attention of other professional freelance writers. I leave a special shout out to Helix for this; thank you for taking the time and energy to look over my odd writing. In addition you've provided me resources to become a better writer, connections to other writers I can talk to, and just took the time to check in on me. It may be happening more often I admit; I imagine Uncle Helixstvan will be a regular of mine. But that's just the learning process I will have to make. At least there's some biscuits and drink in the fridge for guests, be it you or Helixstvan. I am already relearning how to write - I won't become a poor host in the process haha!
There are important lessons in past and present tense writing that I need to nail down. To do that I needed other lessons on the self. You're probably wondering why my last Free Writing Week post was over a month ago now. Where's the other writing gone? Well, it just went up and gone. I became afraid of writing knowing that I wasn't getting this past/present tense fixed. I could see it in my writing more and it discouraged me for a time. There was a time I fell back into my old habits of procrastination via perfectionism and lack of drive. Though there was always something going for me; an unnatural canny luck for stumbling into the right things that I need. Thanks to a friend of mine, Zessique (Yatasal), I got some of those lessons again. You can read them if you want. Especially you out there - the one I hope will find this journal post when he needs it most again. Even if you scroll past all this to speed read, remember these things:
- You don't think like others. They don't think like you. They are goal driven; the act of completing a task makes them happy. You are curiosity driven; the act of discovery makes you happy. You're not broken for thinking this way, you just need to think your way instead of how the world thinks. Not to say revolution - no put that pitchfork down! It's to say you need to ask different questions and give yourself different goals when completing the boring tasks and having self-doubt. Zessique taught you about sand castles. Remember that knowledge! But now I'm going to add to that.
- If it's your first time doing something, ask yourself: What would it feel like to accomplish this task?
- If you're doing this again or returning to it, ask yourself: Do you remember how good it felt to do this?
- If you feel a foggy mind - unsure of where to go or what to do, ask yourself: Where did I want to end before I began? Does this get me to that goal?
- Most importantly, should you fear about not being ready, remind yourself: It's ok to fail. You have permission to fail. Absolve yourself of guilt in failing if it was to do better next time.
That last one will hit the hardest. You can see it in my writing that I hold myself to high standards. Even my rough drafts must feel like final drafts. You're going to fail that's ok. It's what you do about it that matters. In this case get back up, dust yourself off, try again! At this moment that's exactly what I decided to do.
As soon as I post this journal entry, I'm going to go right back to writing. Write whatever comes to mind. Just begin. You're absolved of your past mistakes, you're forgiven, and you will be again and again so long as you're trying to get to that mountain peak you want to get to.
Now that I've talked to that person, I turn back to you the reader. Thank you for supporting me, for giving me a watch, a comment, a favorite, a follow. I am baffled that I am still getting more of those even with the month of silence I've put myself through. It's that final bullet point that I can add to this journal promising healing, moving forwards, and absolution from guilt:
- Stop holding yourself to higher standards than you hold for your friends. This doesn't mean don't hold yourself to a high standard, just not higher than your friends. If you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to yourself.
I promise to write and earn the watchers, followers, likes, and more that you've all given me. Be it that you've been here for years or just joining me now, thank you. My cat Nikki never liked staying in one spot for long. I'm getting tired of the same mentally. It's about time I honored her and her 15 years right by getting a move on now. Even if it's a blunder, just moving counts. Let's get to writing once again.
Signed,
Balans
I hope you've been well. It's been a week since the loss of my cat Nikki and I admit a month since I really wrote anything. First thank you for comforting me through this tough time. I've had an outpouring of support from Telegram, Twitter, and here on FA too. Some replies I didn't even expect to see and they were there, which only helped me to smile that bit more in a week of silence and reflection. If you didn't take the time to check on me, know that it's ok. I know you're busy, life happens or rather it must go on, and it's ok to check in now and then. I appreciate you all the same. If anything, what you're doing now is what I need to begin doing again.
I'm lucky at this point in my freelance writing journey. It's gotten the attention of other professional freelance writers. I leave a special shout out to Helix for this; thank you for taking the time and energy to look over my odd writing. In addition you've provided me resources to become a better writer, connections to other writers I can talk to, and just took the time to check in on me. It may be happening more often I admit; I imagine Uncle Helixstvan will be a regular of mine. But that's just the learning process I will have to make. At least there's some biscuits and drink in the fridge for guests, be it you or Helixstvan. I am already relearning how to write - I won't become a poor host in the process haha!
There are important lessons in past and present tense writing that I need to nail down. To do that I needed other lessons on the self. You're probably wondering why my last Free Writing Week post was over a month ago now. Where's the other writing gone? Well, it just went up and gone. I became afraid of writing knowing that I wasn't getting this past/present tense fixed. I could see it in my writing more and it discouraged me for a time. There was a time I fell back into my old habits of procrastination via perfectionism and lack of drive. Though there was always something going for me; an unnatural canny luck for stumbling into the right things that I need. Thanks to a friend of mine, Zessique (Yatasal), I got some of those lessons again. You can read them if you want. Especially you out there - the one I hope will find this journal post when he needs it most again. Even if you scroll past all this to speed read, remember these things:
- You don't think like others. They don't think like you. They are goal driven; the act of completing a task makes them happy. You are curiosity driven; the act of discovery makes you happy. You're not broken for thinking this way, you just need to think your way instead of how the world thinks. Not to say revolution - no put that pitchfork down! It's to say you need to ask different questions and give yourself different goals when completing the boring tasks and having self-doubt. Zessique taught you about sand castles. Remember that knowledge! But now I'm going to add to that.
- If it's your first time doing something, ask yourself: What would it feel like to accomplish this task?
- If you're doing this again or returning to it, ask yourself: Do you remember how good it felt to do this?
- If you feel a foggy mind - unsure of where to go or what to do, ask yourself: Where did I want to end before I began? Does this get me to that goal?
- Most importantly, should you fear about not being ready, remind yourself: It's ok to fail. You have permission to fail. Absolve yourself of guilt in failing if it was to do better next time.
That last one will hit the hardest. You can see it in my writing that I hold myself to high standards. Even my rough drafts must feel like final drafts. You're going to fail that's ok. It's what you do about it that matters. In this case get back up, dust yourself off, try again! At this moment that's exactly what I decided to do.
As soon as I post this journal entry, I'm going to go right back to writing. Write whatever comes to mind. Just begin. You're absolved of your past mistakes, you're forgiven, and you will be again and again so long as you're trying to get to that mountain peak you want to get to.
Now that I've talked to that person, I turn back to you the reader. Thank you for supporting me, for giving me a watch, a comment, a favorite, a follow. I am baffled that I am still getting more of those even with the month of silence I've put myself through. It's that final bullet point that I can add to this journal promising healing, moving forwards, and absolution from guilt:
- Stop holding yourself to higher standards than you hold for your friends. This doesn't mean don't hold yourself to a high standard, just not higher than your friends. If you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to yourself.
I promise to write and earn the watchers, followers, likes, and more that you've all given me. Be it that you've been here for years or just joining me now, thank you. My cat Nikki never liked staying in one spot for long. I'm getting tired of the same mentally. It's about time I honored her and her 15 years right by getting a move on now. Even if it's a blunder, just moving counts. Let's get to writing once again.
Signed,
Balans
All these are good life lessons. Pick yourself up and getting going is a strength.
Even this journal was good for me to read. I am not perfect. I had a high octane duel over my writing with someone I respect. I learned from it too and am improving. Picking yourself and caring on is important. Writing is an important job in the world, good writing is important.
Glad you found your courage.